hi darling. thank you so much for coming to the airport today, i know it would've been so hard seeing me cry, knowing that it may be like that a year from now. and thankyou, for seeing me today. it was so lovely, to set eyes on you after it being so long. chilling in ikea, that was so much fun, and i do so hope you had as much fun as i did. it's looking like tommorow is fine with my family, so i'll see you when you come to pick me up i guess. sunday seems fine too. today, while watching the l word, i was trying to say, and very badly at that, that baby, tell me if i'm being too touchy, if you'd like me to not touch you at all, i don't mind, really. so hey, thanks for today, it was just so beautiful. i love you, i'll see you soon. and i'm sorry i'm such a shit writer, i can never seem to get the right words out, but i try, i hope this makes sense. i love you lu.

i've been so good, for so long. and now i'm a little not so good for a little while. i'm hatin hating on my body again with its scars and cellulite and ick non perfect, no uglyness. and i'm hating it, hating it, and i'm so convinced that W will too. and i don't even wanna think about that, coz look how long it took me to be comfortable around you. and i'm feeling so fem all the time, so fucking feminine, and i can't strike a balance between fem and butch, and i can't feel comfortable in myself, in the way i look and the way i dress. i figure, maybe, the only way i will, maybe, is to shave my head and bind my breasts. maybe maybe. but then i put on my floor length hippy skirts and look like a girl and feel good and pretty, same as i do in a waistcoat and shirt. i'm so confused. always so confused and tired. so tired. and i can't decide whether to txt you and tell you i'm writing on here. and i hope you had funwith wallis (: she's so cool, but i'm so shy around other people, and she's just so cool that she kinda intimidates me. i want to change myself and become good. but i don't know how. i don't knw how to change. and the bruise on my arm has almost faded, but the horror, the terrible feeling of that, that time, that insanity is burnt into my mind.