baby. what will we do about this? the me affecting you too much? i guess, i can try and not tell you so much, try and support you more, i don't know. and i don't want to drag you down, but right now it's weighing on my mind. and really it's my fault. and i'm sorry about last night, i didn't mean to make you mad, or sad, i didn't even expect you to reply, and i figured out early on that your phone was out of battery. i just needed to tell someone, and it was horrible, the most brutal, honest, heartwrenching conversation i have had, think about the one when told you about ell, it was worse, i'm sorry. maybe we're just gonna have to take it as it comes, talk it out? i'm sorry i couldn't come to that party, you looked amazing, and honestly, you telling that killed me, i don't have to tell you everything, i can talk to lian more, if it's easier, or just tell me if it's a bad time, and know i'm always here sorr. this will make no sense and yeah, tday was wierd, but it was good too ( it was, and i loved holding you, and being there for you, and just being with you, and in taylors room, i can't explain it, looking into your eyes, holding you like that, it was lovely and that goodbye, just XD yeah, today has been, interesting, anyway. i'm sure you'll read this sometime and lian, well baby, i'm not too good with words right now, but that song, it explains everything,

That was the second time, in so many visits to Jay that I’ve left crying and I don’t know why. It would have been nice if you would have told me Edie was going to be there. I didn’t mind so much, but. Fuck I don’t even know. I love you so, yet I never see you, when I do I just break down, you get so busy, and we don’t talk so often. I’m sure it’s just all the year twelve pressure, but is it? And the paranoia kicks in. I just don’t fucking know, why, on those rare rare occasions I get to see you do I get so sad that I want to be alone? What’s going on? I don’t want us to end, I don’t want us to break up, and I don’t know why but it’s in my mind. I guess, maybe it was a larger part than I care to admit, that it was Edie, you guys are so close, you’re almost like a different person around her, you basically speak in a secret code of inside jokes. I’m not jealous, not at all. I just guess, I kind of feel that I’m not so important, I don’t really remember what last summer was like, you being so busy and all. I DON’T KNOW I JUST DON’T FUCKING KNOW AND I WANT TO, OR MAYBE I DON’T. I JUST FEEL LIKE I’VE LOST MY GRIP ON EVERYTHING, SCHOOL, FAMILY, AND YOU, THE MOST IMPORTANT CONSTANT IN MY LIFE, AND I FEEL LIKE I’M LOSING YOU AND I DON’T KNOW WHY, THERE’S NO REASON, IS THERE? I hate that I am constantly on the verge of tears, paranoid, always questioning. And the sex thing, don’t worry about it, today definitely wouldn’t have happened, not with Edie there, and your fingernails so long. This wave of tiredness just hit, and I want to give up. I just want to surrender myself fully to the tears and the sadness, but you aren’t here to hold me, and bring me back, and my ‘knight in shining armour’, well, he has no credit. I’m going to sleep now. Then wake in darkness, go and post this, research for my long overdue draft, and I’ll tell you I’ve written this, but you’ll be busy doing your photography. And, I have a feeling, that all I’ve just written is an excuse, an excuse for some fear that’s hidden so deep down that I can’t vocalise it, even access it.

i got 3 bs and 2 As. NOT FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY LAST REPORT. i don't know what else i was expecting, becuase i haven't been working, i got my first B in Indo EVER, i am so so fucking disapointed, now i have to study reallreally hard for the exam, but i can't be fucked the last week has been spent in anger pain and tears, i cut two nights ago and i still haven't done enugh work, not at all but tonight, the bonfire tonight, staying with jay no matter what, the picnic the next day and good sir, we are so indebted to each other aren't we, thank you again, again, again. and remember, i'm ALWAYS fucking here, never not, even if i'm swarmed by bats i'll be there to help, so remember to tell me stuff, kay?