i miss being about to pour my soul out on here, knowing that you'll read it and that you'll do something about it. it's horrible, so horrible not seeing you, it just hurts, worse that not talking to you for a week, worse than everything. and school atm, i just can't be bothered, i dont want anything but to see you, i don't know, i just don't all this fucking apathy hhaa, my clothes for nick's are already laid out, i know excatly what 'm wearing, it's sitting on my cupboard waiting for saturaday you know what, it basically comes down to: i miss you it hurts, alot and i'm sad and i neeed you.

have gone and checked your sm and i read that, and i don't know why, but it kinda broke my heart i guess i alreday knew, and you'd just come to the realisation, but to see it written its all i can do not to cry at the moment. i mss you. 3 days left of school for the term, if i can get through them, which juding by todays effort i won't i need to see you, i got the invite for nicks, but its got no info on it, mum wants an invite with details, bout parents and stuff, can you give me deails, or lie to me, so i can tell her ohs, on that saturday, iv gt art at schoool, i thought, maybe i could come to yours after that. probs around four or 5 i unno i just feel like crap.

59 kilos. I weighed myself just before. It’s been awhile since I’d done that and I have no idea what possessed me, usually those sorts of numbers don’t get a second glance. Its not about the number, its about how tight my clothes are, how prominent that curve of my stomach is, how much my hips bulge over my jeans. I’m sorry darling, that I got so shitty at you the other day, for offering to help me. I don’t know if you read that in the message, but I was raging. You have to understand, I’m not angry at you, Im angry at me. It’s that summer all over again, a couple of summer’s ago I put on 8 kilos, in 6 weeks. Since then, I haven’t lost that. I just got a little used to it, I pull my stomach in tighter, bought slightly bigger clothes. I hate it, I hate myself, I used to be thin, I used to have hipbones that you could grab onto, not too protruding but enough. My stomach used to be almost flat. It was never as disgusting as it is now. Even my face was thinner. I know you say you love my body, but I cannot even begin to comprehend how. It is disgusting. And the reason darling, that I got so mad, is that it won’t change. I’ll continue to put on weight. I won’t exercise; I won’t stop eating too much. It doesn’t change. Something happened, I lost all my motivation. I can’t seem to do it anymore. I used to be able to run, to do 200 sit ups if I put my mind to it. I was okay at yoga. And now I’ve stopped, somewhere, somehow in the last couple of years I stopped. I was never very strong, but now, now I have no strength. I’m not playing sport now, and I don’t exercise. If I kid myself, I can maybe say that walking is my exercise. But it’s not. I used to have days spent, of activity, of doing stuff. And now, I don’t really do much. I don’t care so much about being a stick anymore; I just want those numbers back down towards 50, below 55, sitting on 52, even 53. I want be less disgusting. And baby, you can’t offer to help me, well you can. Just I won’t take you up on it. I’m too ashamed to let you see how unfit, how weak I am. And you’ll say you won’t care, but I do. So much. Im just being stupid and pround, of something that there is nothing to be proud about. I’m just hoping, that maybe something will change and that I can get that bit of motivation back, the motivation that pushed my asthma riddled lungs to play centre, to try and keep up with my brother as he ran the city to bay, to be able to do 200 pushups. Maybe, I’ll start trying. See I started, on the weekend, I forced myself to not go in the car, to walk, to do some yoga, to not binge. Then I get back to here, to this shed. To the charged emotions, the hills around me, and the full pantry. And I lose it all again. And now I’m making excuses. I’m out for now. I can’t see to type anymore for the tears.

I’m so sick of the noise. Wellie has been banished to the bedroom and he will not stop running his feet along the iron. The dogs whimpering. That bloody alarm. The scuffing sound of her uggboots. The violence in all their actions. In this place, there is no way of hiding, no privacy from their arguments, and the noise, the noise. Lately it has been unbearable. I crave silence, but even in silence there is that ringing. It’s so bad now. So loud. My ears are killing me, always. Music one of my favourite things, and I know that I’m taking it away from myself but I have to have my ipod loudish, otherwise I can’t hear it for the ringing. It’s a vicious circle, starting with my metal phase so many years ago, when I first started being angry at the world. I cranked those tunes so loud to block it out, and now, I’m paying for it. I hate how we think we are invincible, or that what we do today on’t matter because we’ll be gone in a few years. How wrong we are when we believe in that. We are such fragile broken things, living out our lives withering slowly one day at a time. The world is breaking. We are broken. I cut the other night, the first time in so long. Not deep though, twenty times. The satisfaction of seeing the blood roll over my side and onto the sheets. I guess, I really didn’t have to. But I decided to, I wanted to, and I was so worked up that nothing else seemed that it would work to put me down. As soon as I put that blade to my skin the adrenalin began to kick in, and I was calm, I stopped shaking. I hurt, and bled and I still worried but it was easier. I don’t know why. Just is that way. It was lovely being with you today, by the way dearest. Our ‘walk’ lying on my bed, being sneaky behind the art book (; I wish you hadn’t had to leave. I’m alone now. Stuck in this fucking hell hole. anndd i feel horrible. so huge and fat and disgusting >__

um. so. yeah i see you tommorow (: yayy! i have to say though, i'm a tad aprehensive about having my picture taken, but ill guess ill have to deal, umm weekend plans have been shot to hell i cannotdonotreally want to have to lie to the parents honeeslty im not even sure i wanna go anymore movies is out too, i have no money, i spent it on art stuff and im only working two hours this week what else? i unno i want to saeeyou though. movies at yours again???