fml. i went to have a drink, and i missed my mouth completley, and poured it straight down my cleavage. i am completley sober (Y) (: sometimes we just have to laugh why am i so tired? i slept, i think. 8/9 hours a night. arghhaghrhrhrgrhhrhr. fuck. maybe its time to go and do some yoga? in the sunshine. i hate waiting for emails you know aren't gonna come. i think, i might make this private. i dont mind people i dont know reading it, coz chances are ill never meet you. but j read it the other day. for some reason i feel violated. i feel like i have to censor what i write. anyway. speaking of j. he had a bit of a go at me last night. went alone the lines of 'i know you dont like me, but dont ignore me" oooppss. and then he went on to tell me he only wanted sex after sayng he thought WE were all good. mmm. there was never a WE. i think thats the problem. but iv never seen him angry. i dont like it. i was lying there. making myself stay so so still, so i wouldnt get up and get a blade. it worked. aand i kinda realised, that if i had cut nothing would have changed. wow. profond. i think thats what they call a breakthrough (: work later. i get lots of $$$$ which is always nice. have to remind myself to put it in the bank. i cant get p outta my head. i dont really know him at all. iv been at school with him for 6 years. and i have two memories of him: one: erin liked him in yr 6. whenn he was the pirate king. mm, i may have had a crush then too >.< two: one day luke fucked me over real bad, and he just held me while i cried. i wonder, how many hours of my life has been spent crying in guys arms? i REALLY dont wanna know. we'll see what friday brings i guess.

^ and im addcited to this song trouble by nevershoutnever. dat boi is hottttt i want to play that song to e. to let her know how much i love her. my heads a lil everyywhere at the moment. i want to be back at victor. everythings just nicer and sleepier down there. i saw danny yesterday, well the back of hi head. couldnt quite bring myself to actually seee him. was gonna meett up with p. but then i left. hopefully ill see him onfriday. but it maybe awkward, there probs wont be any vodka. he tasted like bubllegum and smoke. best fuckign taste EVER. somehow, i have to tell j i cant do anything anymore. its just not right. the whole, eilidh thing, plus you know when your with people and he whole time your brain is screaming NO! but your bodys going yes? i cant do it anymore. for me, it was just another hookup. but i know he kinda likes me, and that just wont do. looking forward to next week, hopefully see sallyyy. which means beer, and lots of beer. (Y) mm. slightly wierded out i keep on geeting strange/nice/sexual compliments from people id nevr expect, like, gould turned down sex to talk to me (this is a phenomenemn if ya know him) then i was talking to jaydan tonight n he was saying something about how im one of the few girls in the school he'd do, therefore, he'd like to lose his virginity to me. plus lian wrote that song. so maybe people don't hate me? maybe it just hate myself so much i cant see people like me? though, i hate myself so fucking much. i cant look at myself, im covered in stretchmarks and scars and cellulite. its terrrrible. my minds in a complete mess too plus. the whole not eating much/excersing thing. it just makes me tired. and im not feeling any skinnier at all. i know i havnt lost weight. but. i can go to a party, hook up with however many guys, get drunk etc etc, make a fool of myself, and not regret it fuck all this shit

when I saw her today my mother was crying. there’s something wrong. my mother doesn’t cry. she is the heartless bitch that assumes that I sleep with every guy I lay my eyes on. she is so strong, in her glare, her opinions. WHY DID SHE CRY? I feel guilty. while my mother was crying I was pressed into the wall against the church. hooking up with j. my lips are raw now and my mother’s eyes are rimmed red. its getting to the stage where I cant look myself in the mirror anymore. I hate what I see so much. its easy to starve yourself, for a few days. its harder to keep it up. its hard because our bodies make us eat without knowing. cookies offered here, just that one piece of bread there. im not determined enough. plus I don’t excersise. why am I expecting myself to be thin? so. its all shitty now. I was happy yesterday, wasn’t i? lying in bed, forsaking homework for watching fight club. its time to start cutting again. maybe. but I cant remember if that actually made me happy. did it? burning works too. fuck it works. even a match, just put out. against my wrists. pain. sharp clean pain. right now I have to write 1200 words on the role of women in Sparta. right now I want to sleep it all away right now i just cant be bothered.

three posts in a day. oh dear. i should be sleeping, but im mindlessly googling, swapping between three blogs: http://teenagemisanthropy.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2009-07-02T12%3A03%3A00%2B01%3A00&max-results=7

It’s a dream I’ve had a million times before so I know it’s a dream. This tower is familiar, I visit it every night and I know what’s going to happen. The tight rope’s way too thin. My feet slip, I start to fall, fall. In a futile attempt to stop I reach out and grab at the blue and white china that adorns the walls around me. But I keep on falling, falling now with shards of blue to keep me company. I’ve been falling forever, I swear. Then black. I’m awake, as usual. I roll over and push my head back into my pillow, moaning “sleep”. It’s dark and dreary, the rain outside is seeping through the cracks; the TV’s flickering in the background. Groggily, shakily I stand up. Bottles crunch under my feet, stumbling to the bathroom. There’s a pine tree growing out of the bath, up through the roof. A line of dolls are propped up against the windows. Staring, staring. WHERE AM I? “Jenny, Jenny, Jennnn-eeeeeee. Where are you? I want to see you, please? I promise I’ll be nice.” WHO IS THAT? And who’s Jenny? And WHERE AM I? I’m starting to get a little scared; it’s so dark outside, and cold and rainy. I think I’m alone here, except for the screaming man. Where did Tommy go? WHERE AM I? So, I walk out of the house, down the road, on my way. To somewhere. The rain is cold. Dark trees line the streets; a single streetlight shines in the distance. I can just about make out the skater up ahead. He’s coming closer. “Hi” I mutter as he comes to a stop in front of me. “Hey Jenny.” “Who’s Jenny?” “Don’t you know? YOUR’E Jenny.” “No, no, NO. I’m not. I’m me.” “And who exactly is that?” “Me. I’m ME! Girl, sixteen. Going Somewhere” “Are you sure? Jenny? Where are you going?” “I don’t know, I’m not sure. Somewhere! Ok? Who are YOU? Just go away, leave me alone!” “Can’t you see, it’s me, I’m you, Jenny. And you’re not going anywhere” “You’re not me, you can’t be. I’m me, and I’m not Jenny! Prove it, show me!” The skater takes off their hood. It isn’t a he, it’s me, or I think it is. She looks like me. Same hair, same eyes, even the same freckle near my mouth. But there’s something a little wrong with this picture. What, I couldn’t say. And who is Jenny anyway? She sure as hell isn’t me. This is scary. This isn’t real. Is it? Please, no, it can’t be. I turn around and start running, back to that house, with the pine tree in the bathroom. The broken bottles next to my bed. Behind me, I hear the sound of wheels. And the road is falling beneath me. Falling, falling. She’s coming. I can hear her. The sound of wheels, the ragged breathing. Then black. I’m awake. Again.

today, i kissed ten guys. no, i'm not a slut am i? today, it rained, and it poured. it was dark when school finished. the morning was sunny and warm. dots was nice. i managed to take the most beautiful photo of her. then we lay in bed all night watching skins. flirting with joshie boi. danny rang, which was wierd, id kind of forgotten my own boyfriend.oops. we had waffles for breakfast. and we sunbaked.it was warm then. only notsogreat thing is ellie was in hospital. stupid epilepsy. four days till holiays. and theyr starting with a party. im excited. all good with my art final too. she likes my idea (Y). just need to find an old tv. hardrubbishingtime :) the only problem in the whole world is i dont own a tshirt, oh. and that i can't stand who i am. but who gives a fuck? its raining :)

it a beautiful night. balmy. sitting at home, good musixx: dresden dolls, jack johnson, kev carmody, regina spektor, marleyy. starting to read i am charlotte simmons again. the weekends looking good. with dot tommorow "drinking till our pjamas start talking :)" im not worrying today :)

i'v got another acount on here, ilovehoratio, but its being annoying and not working. So heres a new one. new me, I suppose. So. Me. Lulu/Lucinda/sixteen/resteles/yeah i self harm, so fucking what?/ my head is screwed on upside down and back to front i like: music, movies, friends, making memories, dancing, photographs, skateparks, nighttime, alcohol, guys who taste like ciggies, skinny jeans && eyeliner, whatever, just add me: myspace.com/andfishes as long as you nice but i don't think you really have to know me at all they say i'm not a slut, i disagree today has been a bitch, someone come take me away feed me alcohol. lets get fucked up. lets die.