I went to the library today to return some movies and i went through the books. I walked up and down every isle and as i did this i began to think deeper than i had in a very long time. The books they have here are very outdated and very old. Each one with its own personality, not the personality we see in todays books with the computerized covers. No the personality in these books is the individual personality of the writer and the personality of the words inside. I realized this as i walked by Edgar Allan Poe and by Walt Whitmore, as i touched the aged books i felt a different feeling with each one. Poe has always made me feel a sadness, though he writes about horror and nightmarish things, i know a little of his background and can feel his identity printed in his words forever. This idea that what we write down can be felt, seen, and thought about forever after we die is something that is so wonderfully amazingly impossible to me. I realized today that i have been given a gift. A gift from God. I may not be the most talented writer, i may not be the most handy at analyzing literature, alot of times it may need to be explained to me. And i do not have the patience to sit and read just any book. But when i understand what it is i am looking at, poems, books, any writing, or learning about an authors life, I feel it so deeply and completely. I am sure no one else walks through an old library and feels overwhelmed by the different emotions each book carries to the point where they may need to leave. This is what i am blessed with. I am blessed with deep emotion. It comes out in my most intimate relationship, along with my obsession with romantic beauty. Ive realized that the negative aspects of this talent ive been blessed with could be put to use in much better ways, such as this, writing, writing more frequently and deeper than i ever have. searching to the core about where my passion lies. and putting it all out in words. maybe then one day i will finally gain the talent that i can use to move even one persons life with only my words. Words ...... something so simple, so man-made. the meaning of words is the most powerful tool ever created in this world. One could move nations if he could only say the right words with a combination of... emotions..... there is no better way to me to paint emotions then by painting them with words. there is nothing more beautiful than reading a phrase or line that so completely identifies with your soul you are frozen in time for a minute. and that little bit of emotion the words locked onto in your soul is freed for just a moment. This is why humans search for that song or that book that frees their soul that makes them feel alive. How brilliant to be the one to put those words down to change a human life. How beautiful to be able to describe leaves rustling in the wind to the point where they seem to be the most beautiful peaceful thing on the earth How beautiful to be able to paint the image of the wind on ones face, where the reader actually believes for a second he is there. How beautiful to be able to enjoy the wonders that surround us from day to day that often go unnoticed because we are so inspired by the descripions... that we actually take the time to notice. Blessed are the writers reaching out to the world to share the beauty of the inner soul. Blessed are those who see the miracles surrounding them. My one big wish is to be a writer remembered for all eterity. One whose works are passed down forever and admired but most of all inspiring. To inspire is what i crave most. How perfect would it be to be seeen as a genious in the world of words. This dream of mine has often been shot down. Corrupted by amounts of money and the lack their of in the career of writing. Feer has managed to make it seem a ridiculous task, when i see the talent that lies out in the world. But when i am left to nothing else the passion then rises again. The passion that i had lost in sports, in life... manages to surface again when i least expect it. Maybe this is why i am here at cochise. Not for soccer, not for school, but to realize what my purpose is. to realize what makes my soul shine with joy. Writing so overwhelms me with a peace that nothing else can achieve. In this moment i have no will to leave this place righthere right now. The wind blowing my hair back,so perfectly carressing my face, so comforting and warming. The leaves gently brushing one another in a fashion so comforting one would only want to close their eyes and listen. The sun barely showing through the trees and warming me only a little but enough to sit here for days. The far away cars on the highway allowing me to feel society is there but just far enough away that i have escaped. The birds chirping here and there so softly and happily reminding me their is peace in this world. How much i would pay to be able to hold onto this feeling forever. When i know as i end this my emotions of insecurity, longing for love, longing for someone will just re-emerge. But right now is so perfect. Such an amazing place in time. I think i will just sit here a minute and enjoy it.

Today started pretty good. I went to clubbig in mexico. I went with the boys baseball team. Bubba invited me over to hangout with Gabe, Marcus, Jason, Justin one of the canadians and his girlfriend. I was exctited i felt like maybe i could finally have friends besides the soccer team. I just realied i do not trust anyone. I caught bubba with another girl. It made me sick and made me automatically think of mario and wonder if he had done the exact same thing. Bubba justified it by saying that they just watched a movie. I would not be okay if mario did that. And i could see him thinking its okay because he was just watching a movie so he wouldnt tell me. I am so glad i happened to find this website again. It really helps get my feelings out by analyzing songs and talking about how they relate to me. Even though im not really telling anyone it helps to have somewhere safe where i can put my feelings out and know people are reading it and that they are seeing how i feel and yet they have no idea who i am. i LOVE that it really helps. im just so conused with mario i dont know what to do. explaining bring me down really helped me. i feel alot calmer. Also reading someones explanation of more like her. One girl said that its about the same person. And that he was in love with the girl she was at the beginnin and began to lose it as she changed. That is exactly what mario has said. I am constantly striving to be that same girl and am constantly failing.