i'll do a line. you do a line. i have to make you mine. and we draw fine lines. in the sand. i take your hand. but only for a second. because you want it back. and you forget to hold the slack. and together they call us clever. friends for ever. if you said things would be worth trying, why are you crying, while i'm dying, and sighing. i told you i was trying. told you i was dying. to tell you i'm dying. i knew you were lying. humans are complete on their own. boys just want to get blown. and girls like us, have never been known. we fuck your brains. leave imprinted burned, coffee stains. you dont know what this means. to end. means to and end. and we bend. tell you to get bent. and you never got the hint. we missed last months rent. i always come over. and i miss you always all over. so when were you going to tell me what happened late lastnight? never told me if she was loose or tight. she was easy like level one. didnt even put up a fight. did it for fun. and this is what you do for fun, these days? damn kid, you're going to have to teach me your ways. too. i put you to the test. make you puck up the rest. of the cans. as you empty them down your throat i glance at you and youre just too wasted so you smile. and i'm just blind. and by 6 it'll be time to unwind. again. i'll lift up your chin. you'll find that stupid grin. and we'll dance and get dizzy. dizzy sick, and spinning. fall on the couch. and fall asleep. the house will be quiet. and the music with be louder than our next riot. and everyone who was asleep before us, doesnt know they're brain just got fucked. they're out of luck. always in a hurry. to get nowhere. just worthy enough. for our imprinted, burned, coffee stains we sat on their brains, while we fucked them quietly. it was completely loose, slipping through the noose. and this is what we do for fun. i'll show you my technique, but in itself you'll be getting fucked, again, because i'll know your every move. lets admit. you were never so smooth.

safe keeps for the keeps. keeps for the sake. keep these for sakes keep. not keeping me so safe. taking them all with me. in a big keep safe box. safe keeping. keeping them safe. box. one. big safe. box. but, saftey pins, aren't so. safe either. and all these exes and ohs. and "what rhymes with joes" you say slow. i knew you would. so you say hoe. and what do you know know joe. slow hoes wrapped and tied perfectly with pretty pink skirts. never any bows. and you said great. and the bottle-cap, empty packed, already packed. never packed back packs. are in the back. seat. we;re never hungry. so we never have to eat. and we dot and dsah our maps on the way. not before. never knew where we were going. we just went. got bent. and out of shape. you folded. and they didnt show. took a drag. went into the store with a few shirts that printed the american flag. our bags will never be full unpacked. because we're always ready to go. and did you ever grow into those clothes. in five minutes this store is going to close. and in the air port you find the most interesting people. the biggest fuck ups in a steeple. and the happiest are always later traveling. seeing things before. they. kick the. bucket. fuck it. and do you get it? and what is yours will soon be mine. and all my safe keeps that keeps me safe. will keep you safe. too. whats mine is yours. nothing comes in fours. just twos. even the blues. and ceven clues. but the beauty of it all is. ill have you. and he'll have him. and in any case that works out perfectly. and we'll wait for the morning while we're still waiting for today. and in twenty years. you'll be my aunt dawn. you'll pul up the clean white sheet and pull out the dusty shoe box from under your bed. and we'll both try to figure out what kind of cloud was hung over our head. it will be distant and we wont be waiting for the instant where everything comes running back. so instead of burning all the picutres, and used post cards we start to make a stack. and a list. and laugh at the stupid cat who always used to hiss. and the boys we always used to kiss. we'll wonder where they've been all these years. and still nothing comes back. just kids being kids. now looking for all the right lids. for all the bowls in the cabinent. and all the lables. for the kids. that you take. care of. and atleast we know we wont die ion the small town we grew up in. or tell kids about the yards we threw up in. and now. they measure us in metaphored lines. sum us up in one pathetic word. just because we'd rahter take the subway than pay for our gas. and instead of watching the clock pass. in a cubicle. or office. we'll be two kids living. and did you know im terrfied of the ozone layer. and deep water. like drowning in pools. or getting in cars with drunk fools. and im in love with. movies that make you think. boys that stink. and im in love with us. and this bus. and whats all the fuss. about growing up. we still have the rest of our lives. and i dont know if you knew. but this is a life plan. did you know? this is a life plan. and this is it. but hey, kiah i think if we're staying put here for a while. we need to get a fan. we can work at the coffee shop up the street. it might take a few years to get back on our feet again, but id do it again. ill do it again. ill do it. we'll do it. its not forever now. but we;ll do it.

i dont believe in heaven. a boy at a bar once asked me if i'd believed in God. With a capital G. I told him "no." He asked me why. I told him that if he were real, bad things wouldn't happen and he wouldn't make it so hard for people to be as good as he plans them to be. He took it with thought and didn't have a reply. And we work for a living. And we die for a living. My dad told a million stories in one. We used to have a lot of fun. They used to tell me milk made my bones strong. And when I grew up, I found they were wrong all along. I started taking hits from the bong. My brother told me I broke my fathers heart. My mom told me herself I broke her heart. And for a year now, everyday I look for a new start. My bestfriend is onyx. Sometimes, I'd like to give her hooked on phonics. I only seems ironic. This was when she told me that her and her boyfriends relationship was comletely platonic. I wonder if she knows that bleeding means losing. And everything is breaking my heart. I pin down the wrinkles. I was so afraid of creases. Except in my note passing. My bestfriend back then got best note passer. I got best note writer. And we used to have a lot of fun. I remember meeting you. It was so different then. It was so much the same. I dont think all of that needs to be explained. It was cold, just like it is now. And we have alot of fun, don't we? Did we? Do we? You always 'think' you wish you could be the reason I laugh. I know it's important to you, but I keep all emotions to myself, for myself. And we never talk about your dad health. But I know this is face to face. And I know he's shitty, and maybe you say theres no ounce of love in him, but i'll say theres an inch. maybe a centemeter. And in between the saddest nights and the happiest, we'll laugh hard, we'll laugh a sober hard, and talk about how we hated never being able to do this. And we won't realize these are the moments until they've actually passed. So when I realize it when it's there I'll be screaming. "THIS IS IT, dont you understand this is it?" You'll smile. But you'll still realize after. You'll stand behind my caked up face in the mirror and tell me you've always been jealous. But I bet you didn't know I think you're the most beautiful girl i've ever met. And it's hard because you always forget. I lied when you said you didn't dissappoint me. I was just making repetitive selfish statements. You dissappoint me for dissappointing yourself. I know you want to die. and I know you haven't have a perfect day, much less an hour. But I know if you stopped doing that thing you do, you're days will be less timed, and you're talks will be less planned. things will fall into place, and you'll always have my hand. you'll always have my hand. And don't you realize. this is it?

never tell a soul. you're missing him. for good. and all the thoughts you never told. are they lies? or just untold? are you strong? or bold? do you belong, or do things always get old? and when the backseats of cars tracing eachothers hands become a routine, and not set plans. the four of us will celebrate with 30 or more cans. i never wanna let you down. we'll hang out of the windows of other people driving. pass the joints, that other people have been buying. and this time, i might give in. im starting to believe. im starting to believe in, you. too. you get so worked up. i get so choked up. cliche things are now, real things. we'll have real songs, and real talks. and everything that was planned in our heads will be stressed and happening. we'll have nothing but the past to write about because the future is such a predictable chaos, a predictable feeling. it'll be funny because the only thing written, will be songs about never being caught stealing. just feeling. feeling. feeling. and i've give in. becuase im, starting to believe. believe. believe. in you. too.

Last year this time, sitting in girls living room. Trying to make sense of teenage lovers end. Trying to sound smart in my sleep. Trying to gain courage from coffee. My eyelids were always stronger than. the caffeine. Background information on myself, will have to go un announced. There are only four people to these papers. A few dead to the world fucks might trickle in, but they always evaporate. Look at it as flashbacks. And maybe some Flashforwards. I know i'm throwing these at you from all directions, but I never told you, you had to catch them. Just read. And maybe you can relate. If you can't. I am assuming that you are perfect, or really fucking dumb. Whichever, congratulations. I'd really like to meet either of you.

I am driving, all the time. It's always the grey Honda we named Hondisha. I am never looking at anything. Only thinking, and making the turns second nature. I only catch girl hitting ceiling. It's quick. But it's there. Even in the new white, unstained no cigarette smell 13,000$ P O S. We're driving for a while. I'm taking her to the mall so her aunt can pick her up. I turn on Dashboard Confessional. And not on purpose, but coinsidense, i pour my confessions on the dashboard. I hope she is listening to them. I hope "shes talking to the dashboard" is not the case. I know I was talking about him again. Him is just a dead to world fuck who will evaporate soon. Or maybe he will stay, but in no means is he part of the script that is as important as the four on these papers. I was always talking about him. Girl might hit the ceiling. but nothing ever changes. the ceiling doesn't shake some magic dust and turn everything to gold. But I am golden. and she is onyx. A beautiful onyx. Laced with silver. Now.
She thanks me for the ride. I welcome her. She gets out. she's gone.

We;re in the back of a car. I am Bonde girl. she is Girl. He is Boy1. Girl is on the left. Boy1 is in the middle. Two boys in front are there. Boy1 wasn't "boy1" then. But is now. For now. They roll it quick. We smoke it faster. My life is over the fastest. She inhales. stares blankly. I laugh. Boy1 laughs. Girls stares. Girl has crazy hair. Wearing all black. Bookbag. Little make up. Clear skin. Full face. Not beautiful. But scary to look at because it's the kind of look you want, but can never have. Nothing you would describe if you'd never seen it. But something you knew you would never want to lose if you had. And thats where I am. Sitting there laughing. Me. Blonde girl. Has crush on Boy1. Girl knows. Girl isn't bestfriends with boy1 just yet. They are now. Girl is walking with boy1. Blonde girl. I am walking alone. I search my phone for someone to. text. call? maybe. They don't pick up anyways. But they call right back. I walk back to socialization. Girl and Boy1 are holding hands and swinging. Blonde girl. I get more distant. Girl doesn't understand. The rest of the night as we knew it Blonde girl and Girl didn't talk. Girl is trying to sleep on couch. Blonde girl is thinking about Boy1 and Girl. Girls mom calls. Girl ignores. Girls mom calls blonde girls mom. Blonde girl doesnt know. Blonde girl gets phone call. Blonde girl ignores. Heartbeat quickens. Time gets slower. Blonde girls sister calls. Blonde girl ignores. New voicemail. "youre in trouble. youre not where you're supposed to be."
"william can you take me home. my mom is freaking out."
"yeah, whats up. whats wrong."
"idk shes freraking out. she always does this. idk"
Blonde girl. I rush him out of his own house. I dont say goodbye to anyone.
I look through the compartments in the car. I find axe. I spray.
"got any eye drops?"
"no, id ont think so. dude it's okay chill"
"no it's not. mom is going to freak we need a plan"
I thought of something clever.
I'm leaving things out.
I call my sister and tell her my and my friend got into a fight. My sister picks me up from down the street. I'm hoping for a few breezes. I climb in. Sister smells it. And tells it.
"dont go up stairs. mom wants to talk to you."
"i know im just putting my bookbag down" I walk into my moms room. It's dark. she's still under her covers. Thank god. Heart is still pounding. Drugs still in me. Nothing matters. Long story short. I tell her everything, because I am caught and trapped. and Lying was a good way to do things. But not if youre going to get caught. Telling the truth the first time would still mean you'd only see her hit the ceiling one more time. Or one more time since the last. But only once when it could have been millions. Girl was my bestfriend. She hit ceilings, and slept on floors. Smoked menthols. Not drugs. She hated them actually. Well the kind you smoke. Still does. So do I. But she only knows.

captain chaos makes me happy. in the mornings i make coffee. sometimes it has a weird texture. you sit in my car with one hand on the roof. and realize that there. the texture is different too. and were sitting in this room thats too small for allofus. but i realized thats where it was happening. or wasn't. time is never on our side. and we're wasting so much of it. get home and waste another conversation. waiting for things to slowly stay the same. i can taste anorexia in the back of my throat. can you? never thought i was right. just though i had a right to have a point. and we're all motion. so unmoving. so motionless. it makes us. emotionless. and sometimes you need change. to work the machine. and sometimes. you need. change. to work. the machine. and you are a human. machine. and your actions are acceptable because you're you. but mine are unacceptable because, she's her. and i'm so scared. but what are allofyou doing about it besides complaining. you're all just ask scared. as. i am. you'll pretend to write about this, and it'll all be a metaphore, simile, whatever the literal term for, "like" is. but it'll never even come close. don't have a bit of comfort in my head. but gotta lotta hope in my chest. and when i get thirsty i drink. and later you'll hand me that mixtape you made. and it'll sound all empty. and i dont want to look back on her. thats it. i dont. want. to. look. back. on. this. i want it to be there when i am there. sappy songs about moving on, and futuristic drama bullshit won't be our theme. it'll be the same ones we have today. in the back seat of someone elses car. and the people driving will be the look back ons. back look ons. on look back. might as well look back. now. and back when we were 7 we never forgot to eat dinner. and were never taught the meaning of progression. and we've spent our lives waiting. spent most of our lives dreaming. and i realized how different they are as the people change. and the stories you ask me to tell. i whisper them in my head until i fall asleep. you try to make a list of all the people you could give a fuck about. and i never thought. i would. give. a fuck. about. allofyou. thefourofyou. you. but you've become all my fucks. you'll never start writing because the list is too long. and you were never good at lists. unless it was the length. just a waste of time. this one. you've forgotten all the names. we won't have to send postcards. we'll just have to pick them out. or make our own. and we are made of everything we regret. and only our wants. because those are the things we talk about. like the urges of our atoms. or our. organs. or the want for our fourth ciggarette in the first hour. and we'll all forgive eachother. because we're all we've got. you fell in love with the sunshine. and i fell in love with the night. you left with a boy. i left with my drink. spent 6 years on the verge of tears. and soon i'll be built up enough to provide africa with sea of fears. and i understand that you're all bitter. with me. but i wish you'd just come with. me. i've got lots of problems. but i've got no freedom to force them. out. but i forgive. you. all. and you'll all be as beautiful as when we first met. because i realized that i love you. i love you. i love you. and i'm not scared of that anymore. and what scares me the most is, that im not scared of it. and i know im not crazy for thinking it. or saying it back. sabatoge the mind. i dont want to regret. i just want to forget. you'll all be done outside because it's too cold to feel. you'll beg me to come inside. and i'll tell you, just a few more. i'll be okay. and she said. i love you. and i always forget to. say it. but i love you. i love. you. i love you. you know that sunken feeling that happens when you look down and for the first second all your feelings drop and it all rushes back at once? i feel that way. now. all the time. we'll have our favorite rooftop and look at the city and realize how much its changed. how the people never go. but the only thing that stays the same. is. i love you i love you i love you. we're all awestruck by the things that we are. youre never wrong. but we're always right. it just gets sad when you begin to ask why. or where. when things have always been the same. you all keep me sane. but next time. i'm. here. i hope. you. grow. a pair. and keep me company. because the room thats too small for allofus. is all we've got. and if theres not excuse. then will you please join? and if i forgot to mention it. i thought you should know. i love you. i love you. i love you.