looking back, on the back pack, nap sack, rap trap, past blast. where do i want to be? where will i be. looked outside. brain told me it'd be cold. gave my eyes seperate black coats. stepped outside to find that i believed a rumor i made up. i feel like a crisp magazine cutout. it's cold and the trees aren't embarassed. and i miss the way it feels when it's cold out. or don't feel. heart was already keeping me cold, even through the summer. you taught me that. you never talked back. and just because im a talker doesn;t mean just listen. but thank you. for that. listening to the ramble that will always be nothing. even to you. kiah, i finally found that book i was missing. in that bestfriends car, i was missing. in those things i was missing. out on. seperately cheating my own life. blaming everyone else, but always letting them take me for granted before i could even snatch their breath. away. and if i had heard the story earlier, i would have probably burned the book, the missing. bestfriend. memories. that can never be replaced. and hey you, it's been a while. but i hope that trip to california next summer, and the plans afterward treat you well. if they follow through. fall through. why don't we ever talk about anything but, being alone and scared? i know it's too soon, but i know that trip will never treat you right. just keep holding that bottle close than you hold your friends. your. girlfriend. so hey, k i know you've been up late these past few nights. whens the world going to give you your big break? these tongue twisters will get old. whent hey get bold and dont keep their hold. and they'll begin to fold, crack the gold. and the onyx will always stay. and i think i've been shaking since i realized i was shaking in the first place. whats the use in big dreams. dream. dreamy green eyes. we're all just the causalties of modern science, and history repitition. but i still dream. and sometimes i smile. and its not that bad. but i never have a grip on myself. or my self. maybe i just a stencil. to outline my life and color in the black perfection. little girl youre gonna hafta putta smile on every once in while. or you're never gonna getta a goin' in the life you think you're livin'. we're all so busy repeating history, and what happened in thomas jefferesons shed yesterday. nothing because you have to pay to see these things that mean nothing to us anyways. maybe oneday ill be important enough so people will pay. for their way into. my house. too busy covering up the time so we don't think of attempt #22 of killing ourselves with caugh medicine. sleep medicine. nyquil is my bestfriend medicine. phone rings postpones nyquils lullaby. "hey, blahblahblahblah, are you listening?" yes, but i can never hear you anyways. inconvenience comes with possibilities of circumstances. lighteing is the only thing brigthening this room. thinking that this stinking phone should be changed so that maybe you will call instead of people that wont allow my ear to tolerate their complaints. maybe all you slutty, shitty, leftover ex friends boyfriends girlfriends, should all get together and have a letsjumpoffaroof sesh. get together with your polished hair just to get all dressed up again so people can see your poorly put together theme by the person putting you in your coffin. and me and my friends will continue to bum ciggerettes, and kill ourselves slowly, because we were never dumb enough to follow the leader off that roof on third street. see you next fall, bitches. and we'll think about all the money we've spent on pubs, tshirts, and dr.pepper and say "damn we could be rich." good thing we get two free teeth cleanings a year. going to experiment with LSD get those 40 personalities i wanted. ill even connect the dots for you. 1998 california, sitting in a hotel hallway. never supervision. talked to my stuffed animals. my sister was my bestfriend, and i ws too young to have secrets. too young to pay for things besides soda pop and potatoe chips on the first floor. thought the green from the chlorine, morhphine, was pretty cool. until. mom called me a fool because she made a new rule.