I just went to the halloween store to look for costumes. I wasn't really going to get one but I thought, hey why not just try it on. So i did. I felt so unbelievably fat. I mean I know I am, and it sucks. No matter what I do I can't manage it. I need to do something. I hate this.

Tonight was a great night. I went out with a bunch of people, saw Saw 6 and went to the mall. I got home at 9:30 but if I had stayed any later with them we would have gotten in so much trouble. Driving illegally. They got pulled over afterwards, I am glad I made it home. I am listening to Mayday Parade, for they are my favorite band. I can't sleep, no surprise there. I really have nothing to talk about. Just thought I would make a little note here. I bought 2 new shirts, one is just a nice tshirt but the other is a button down plaid one, its green, I like it. Well thats it. I'm bruised and scarred, save me from this broken heart.

I am on the verge of crying, nothing new about that. I am so wrapped up in school and work that I don't have time for anything else. My mom is being a bitch to me because she feels like it. I got my phone taken away and I am grounded for being at school and going to work. My room isn't clean to her liking and it never will be. There is a girl going around telling everybody in my school what happened to me when I was younger. I am not even mad about it but since when is it anybodies place to tell anybody anything? I think that people need to grow up. I hate everybody. Why can't I just do everything right? I never do anything right. I am lost.

i hate everything. people make me so angry. they are blind and stupid. they all deserve what is going to come to them, every last one of them.

I'm breaking. At this very moment I am falling apart. Somebody please catch me. Did you lose yourself somewhere out there?

I was sitting down eating my bagel chips and my Nana comes over and frankly just says how fat I am. She says all I do is eat. I don't eat a lot. I eat just as much as the next person. Yeah, I am not the skinniest thing on earth but I am sure as hell not the fattest. I am trying to lose weight, I am trying. Granted I am not able to go around running everywhere to lose all of my weight, but when I have time I do run. I have lost weight in the past few months, but obviously you don't care about it. Just love me for who and how I am, or don't love me at all.

I am going to try this new thing, called introspection. I am going to write down everything that comes to mind within a certain amount of time. This will help me if I am stressed out or upset because it will release my inner most feelings, even surpressed feelings. The first will be right now. To the song: Into Your Arms- The Maine and Apologize- Silverstein Sometimes I feel like you love me. Sometimes I don’t. I know you love me, you say it every day. There are three men in my life, who mean absolutely everything to me. I want them to be around foreer, and hopefully they will. I love them all but with him, he asks me to do things that I really should not be doing. I shouldn’t be the only reason keeping you out of jail. I shouldn’t be the only one around to help you. I should be the person you turn to for help, but only for help. He is so important to me. Building a relationship with him is a top priority now that he’s going to be around again. I am going to college the summer after next and I will not be around, I will be gone. Oh and He, he is amazing. He is my everything. My world. He is everything that has ever meant anything to me. I don’t want him to ever leave, not ever. The only thing that I can’t stand is when we argue. Every day. I try not to. With school it is even more difficult to control my anger. I know things would be so much easier if he were just around. I wouldn’t be so tempted. I wouldn’t do the things I do. I wouldn’t fight as much as I do. I feel depressed. I am carrying the weight of the earth and the moon on my shoulders, and it’s taking its toll on me. My family life is going down, even more than I hoped for. My relationship with family is going down. My friends are thankfully going up. My best friends will always be there for me. Always. As I am for the. Let me run with you tonight, I’ll take you on a moonlight ride.

Lately I've been hard to reach I've been too long on my own Everybody has their private world Where they can be alone Are you calling me? Are you trying to get through? Are you reaching out for me? I'm reaching out for you I'm just so fucking depressed I just can't seem to get out this slump If I could just get over this hump But I need something to pull me out this dump I took my bruises, took my lumps Fell down and I got right back up But I need that spark to get psyched back up And in order for me to pick the mic back up I don't know how or why or when I ended up this position I'm in I'm starting to feel dissin' again So I decided just to pick this pen Up and try to make an attempt to vent But I just can't admit Or come to grips with the fact that I may be done with rap I need a new outlet And I know some shit's so hard to swallow But I can't just sit back and wallow In my own sorrow but I know one fact I'll be one tough act to follow One tough act to follow I'll be one tough act to follow Here today, gone tomorrow But you'd have to walk a thousand miles In my shoes, just to see What it's like, to be me I'll be you, let's trade shoes Just to see what it'd be like To feel your pain, you feel mine Go inside each others' minds Just to see what we'd find Look at shit through each others' eyes Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful They can all get fucked, just stay true to you So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful They can all get fucked, just stay true to you I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor Everything's so tense and gloom I almost feel like I gotta check The temperature of the room Just as soon as I walk in, it's like all eyes on me And so I try to avoid any eye contact 'Cause if I do that then it opens the door For conversation, like I want that I'm not looking for extra attention I just wanna be just like you Blend in with the rest of the room Maybe just point me to the closest restroom I don't need no fucking man servant Trying to follow me around and wipe my ass Laugh at every single joke I crack And half of 'em ain't even funny like Ha! Marshall you're so funny man You should be a comedian, god damn!" Unfortunately I am I just hide behind the tears of a clown So why don't you all sit down Listen to the tale I'm about to tell Hell, we don't gotta trade our shoes And you ain't gotta walk no thousand miles In my shoes, just to see What it's like, to be me I'll be you, let's trade shoes Just to see what it'd be like To feel your pain, you feel mine Go inside each others minds Just to see what we'd find Look at shit through each others eyes Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful They can all get fucked, just stay true to you So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful They can all get fucked, just stay true to you Nobody asked for life to deal us With these bullshit hands we're dealt We gotta take these cards ourselves And flip 'em, don't expect no help Now I could've either just sat on my ass And pissed and moaned Or take this situation in which I'm placed in And get up and get my own I was never the type of kid To wait by the door and pack his bags I sat on the porch and hoped and prayed For a dad to show up who never did I just wanted to fit in Every single place, every school I went I dreamed of being that cool kid Even if it meant acting stupid And Edna always told me Keep making that face and it'll get stuck like that Meanwhile I'm just standing there Holding my tongue tryna talk like that 'Til I stuck my tongue on that frozen stop sign pole At 8 years old I learned my lesson then 'Cause I wasn't trying to impress my friends no more But I already told you my whole life story Not just based on my description 'Cause where you see it, from where you're sittin It's probably 110% different I guess we would have to walk a mile In each others shoes at least What size you wear? I wear 10's Let's see if you can fit your feet In my shoes, just to see What it's like, to be me I'll be you, let's trade shoes Just to see what it'd be like To feel your pain, you feel mine Go inside each others minds Just to see what we'd find Look at shit through each others eyes Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful They can all get fucked just stay true to you So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful They can all get fucked just stay true to you So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful They can all get fucked just stay true to you So Lately I've been hard to reach I've been too long on my own Everybody has their private world Where they can be alone Are you calling me? Are you trying to get through? Are you reaching out for me? I'm reaching out for you Yeah, to my babies Stay strong, daddy will be home soon And to the rest of the world God gave you shoes to fit you So put 'em on and wear 'em Be yourself man, be proud of who you are Even if it sounds corny Don't ever let anyone tell you you ain't beautiful

I had a fairly good night tonight. I went to the Pink concert which was really good and for the most of the trip, it was great but certain parts just really sucked. I argued with a friend more than once. It sucks because I understand some of what they are upset about but the other times it not even about them and yet they get involved. Its not their place to yell at me and another because we aren't including them, even though I really am and every time I tried to start a convo they gave me a one word answer and blow me off. I get accused of sulking and such for no reason, other than being quiet because I have nothing to say. I get yelled at for cracking a joke with my other friend. I just hate this because if it's not your business then stay out of it. I didn't do anything wrong. Nobody did. Mmm, whatcha say? Mmm that it's all for the best.