I am crazy swamped with homework and clubs and work. I am in this club called DECA and it takes up the majority of my time come this winter. I am doing tons of homework before progress reports to make sure that I have a good grade in every class. I am doing pretty well actually, with the exception of English class. I am good at english but my teacher is difficult at grading and so it is hard. Vocabulary is the worst. 60 on the first quiz. I am making up for it though, with the reading quizzes and other vocabulary quizzes and some pojects. I am surprisingly doing amazing in Algebra 2, which is crazy but I am. I have the highest grade out of the 4 classes. Which is great. I went to Rhode Island to visit some colleges this past weekend, URI, Roger Williams and Salve Regina. I LOVED Roger Williams. URI and Salve Regina were just boring. It is definitely that school that I want to apply to. I am going to look at University of Delaware, but it is hard to get into but if I like it I will try. If not I am going to Roger Williams. I am in DECA and for that group I have to dress up in formal attire so I just got maybe 20 different dress pants and I am going to get some shirts next weekend. They are all a size smaller than I am so I am trying to lose 10 pounds by the end of October, which should be fine, I just have to run and maintain my diet for the next month. I hope I can do it. I know I can. Anyways, I have to read for homework so I must be going. I'm awake and I'm alive.

I have had it with the male race. I found out things that nobody would believe. Why does this happen to everyone I love? Everything bad happens because of guys. I have had it with all of them. Rape, abuse, verbal and physical abuse. I have had it. I will never stay quiet again. Never again. Not after what I have been through. I found out rape. I know what thats like. I was raped. Now it's happening to somebody I care about and they can't stand up for themselves, so I will. I will not let this happen again. If it does, I will kill him. I would usually write song lyrics here but I cannot today, there is no song that could possibly express my anger about this. Just remember that I will get you, I will get you if your do this.

is killing him. I know it is. I think he is back on the drugs. I am pretty sure he is. Not by the way he is acting but he leaves in a car with somebody for maybe 5 minutes and then comes back. I haven't seen him doing anything, but I can feel it. I am going to say something to him soon. I need to know. he already got help once, but if he's back on he needs the help. He already told me that he knew a thousand numbers in his head that he could call at any time... I hope he didn't. I'll be crushed. All you do is up and go.

So everything was going perfectly fine, up until about 3 hours ago. We started arguing again. And it hurts. I understand that he was mad that I said what did, but it wasn't bad, it was just saying that he jumps to conclusions. There isn't anything wrong with that, I was just pointing it out. He doesn't understand that it hurts me when he says thing like I always treat him terrible and it bother me when he displays our relationship problems on Myspace bulletins and AIM status. But it does. I am not too sure what to do, and it is really difficult for me. I just wish that everything was better. I wish that I never fought with anybody and nobody ever fought with me. I wish I was just perfect. A perfect girl, student, daughter, girlfriend, a perfect everything. If your heart just isn't in it, I don't want it for a minute.

Today was just like every other day. School is going well, at least I think it is. My friends and I are getting much closer, and I am spending more time with them, which I enjoy. I have spent the past few nights looking at colleges that I would like to go visit this year. I have been searching a bunch of colleges but it always brings me back to University of Delaware. I really like the school and the programs it offers. I want to major in Hospitality Management because I want to be the manager of a chain of hotels or a resort. I am taking to PSAT's in October and I am hoping that I can get a high grade on them. Anyways, I should be going, I have to do homework and I am still looking at schools. Oh no, I don't know what to say to make you stay, to make you stay.

I feel like everything has changed. All Alex ever tells me anymore is that I am a bitch and a jerk and all this stuff. All this arguing about me asking him not to call because I am sick. It always turns into, you are such a bitch to me and you never care about me and all that jazz. He sits there and cries telling me this, as I sit here and half listen while my eyes glaze over. Now he knows how it feels. Now he knows what he has put me through for over a year now. On top of that I find out that all of his family wants us to break up and apparently he wants to too? Awesome. Adam won't talk to me either. I don't know why but he just won't. It makes me really upset because I enjoyed talking to him. he made me feel better about myself. But I don't have somebody like that anymore. I am done with everything. I have lost everything anyways. Its better that I just die, it would be so much easier, so pull the trigger, Finger on the trigger to my dear Juliet.

So life has been quite stressfull. I have loads of homework, a wound that aches constantly, and a boyfriend who is not around. We are doing fine I suppose, but it gets hard. I am getting ready to lose a shit ton of weight after everything heals. I can't now cause of the pain. It looks awful too, my arms and my stomache. I am hoping to be at 170 by January. It will be really tough but I have to do it. I am going to stick to it. I am going to 2 proms this year so I need to lose it. I am fairly excited about it though, despite it being hard. I am going to run every day, either before or after work. I am going to eat all healthy and crap and everything. I wish that the world didn't depend so much on looks though, and weight. I'll live forever in a day.

Long and painful weekend. I have marks all over my body. I come home and talk to Alex, and all we do is fight. I am giving this relationship my all, and after this, I have nothing left, and I will not be with another person again. My body aches both physically and emotionally. My mental state is already fried.

Today was the first day of school. It was really good actually. I have friends in all of my classes, which is great. I was worried about that lol. These are the classes: Image Editing Psychology Algebra 2 Physics US History German 4 English 11 Gym Business Law They are fairly good classes. The teachers are nice, well the ones I have had so far. I have yet to meet the English teacher. But either way I am not too worried. This is junior year, and I am deff stepping up with my grades. I need to. You know I've got this friend up in the atmosphere, another reason not to fear the sky.