I've started quite a bit of journals since my last ones but I ended up getting bored, tired or just down right sick of what I was writing. There has been nothing interesting happening lately which probably makes this one just a waste of time. But let's see where this goes. I've gone back to listening to heavy music after a stretch there of listening to mushy stuff. I'm kinda glad I got out of it, yet some how sad too. Most of it had to do with the new, budding romance I got myself into months ago. Songs she introduced to me, which, I won't lie, were pretty awesome, but they just weren't "me". She got me into We the Kings, Secondhand Serenade, FM Static, Owl City and Mae. I've tried listening to them lately but honestly just got bored after one or two songs. Kind of sad, cause it kind of feels like what we had is not the same anymore. Or maybe I'm just over the giddy part of the relationship and moved on back to how I was before...but with her, which is still going strong. Anyways, I've returned to Rise Against recently. I've liked them before, but only knew a few songs. I realized recently, I was introduced to a few of their songs by my friends but never really followed it up by looking for more. I thought the ones they made me listen to were amazing, so I don't know why I never looked for more of their stuff like I usually do after I hear a good song by a band. So I did, I downloaded more...a lot more. They are truly amazing and some of their songs are so deep, Tim is an amazing singer and writer. The song that I've really gotten into is Survive. Anyone who is having a hard time should really listen to this song. I mean with words like "To spend your waking moments simply killing time / Is to give up on your hopes and dreams and give up on your life" and, of course "But how we survive is what makes us who we are" makes this song an eye opener. Whether it speaks out to certain individuals is up to interpretation, but I can't help but feel something whenever I listen to this song. Needless to say, the re-introduction to punk and metal has been a lot more uplifting when I'm down than those sappy, "don't leave me" songs I was listening to for the past few months. Don't get me wrong, I still have those nights where I want to coo over her and play a few sap songs, but I just needed some balance. ____________________________________________________________________ Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes - "New Divide" - Linkin Park

I am soooo tired. I'm pushing 25 hours of no sleep at all. I haven't done this since high school. And it's not like before when the reason was going all over town all night with a bunch my buds for shits and giggles. No, I've been up since 11am yesterday morning because I got called in for work at midnight, before I had any chance to sleep. I don't work on big commercial jets or little charter planes. I'm proud to say I work on Medivacs, or Air Ambulances, because I can say, in a way, I help save lives. Because of this, we have to make sure that when a plane gets a snag, it's our job to get it back online as soon as possible. Therefore, aside from our regular 12 hour shifts, we are on-call. If a plane goes down in the middle of the night, we're called in to patch it up. That's what happened last night at exactly midnight. I had work the next day at 6am so I was trying to sleep early. But it was hot and I've been too cheap to buy a fan. The call came at 12am, my boss said one of our planes had some landing gear problems so get to the hanger in half an hour. I still hadn't gotten any sleep. This fix took us till lunch time today and I hit that 24 hour wall hard. So they sent me home. I still had work tomorrow and there was no way I should finish my shift which ends at 6. At this current state, I feel drunk and in no state to work on these machines. So now I'm home. Incredibly tired. But I'm not going to sleep. If I do, right now, I know I'll be waking up at 9 tonight, wide awake and won't be able to get a good night's sleep again. I'm going to force myself to stay up and at this rate, I'm gonna go at least 30 hours without sleep. It may not be a big deal but trust me, for me it is. I'm gonna go now, I can't think straight. I guess I'll turn on the XBOX360 or PS3 for some mindless entertainment. ____________________________________________________________________ "But Tonight We Dance" - Rise Against

I...actually have nothing to complain about. I just thought since I haven't had an entry in a while, I'd do it for shits and giggles. We've patched the little leak we had that I admittedly caused. It was just stupid insecurities that I had and only had to hear her say everything was going to be okay to truly believe it. We had our best talks in weeks yesterday night and it was really, really nice. Laughing with her, even if it is just over a phone, are times I truly cherish and wish I could hold on to forever. But I can't. Eventually we have to hang up. I had work in 4 hours after all. So with the little sleep I had, I managed to dream about her. Something I haven't done in so long. I don't remember what exactly happened, but I just remember seeing her face, her hand in mine and feeling giddy...yes, the mighty mouse of hockey (being on the small side while still being able to be a tenacious checker), felt giddy. It happens. I don't care about admitting that to any of you cause I don't know you. Judge as you please, only few people in this world can make me care about their opinions. Anyways, it was a good night over all that influenced my attitude at work. Compared to not only two days ago when no one could say anything without me snapping at them, I had a jump in my step and the guys noticed. I hate being an asshole. I don't like alienating myself from people, especially my friends and those who I work with. It was nice to interact with them properly again, even if it was back to "let's harass the young one." I'm used to it. Having finished school earlier than most people my age, I've been the youngest in almost everything I participate in. Sports, work, you name it. Being harassed comes with being the youngest one. It's all about earning your stripes. We had two flight tests today, both pretty uneventful cause...well, we fixed the problems. I like flying, and the satisfaction and confidence I get after finishing a job makes those test flights that much more enjoyable. So ya, things have gotten back on track. It's a good feeling. I'll try to not let my head get in the way of things again. ____________________________________________________________________ I mourn for those who never knew you "Rose of Sharyn" - Killswitch Engage

I'm gonna start to sound like a broken record and, trust me, I'm starting to get annoyed with myself about it too. But she was right, writing things down is a great release and helps you take a step or two back to take a deeper look into the situation before taking it out on someone else. Hopefully it will make you look at things in a different light. Rolling back the past few months to before it all began, I was okay with everything in my life. Happy? Maybe not, but content. I had finally found a comfort zone at my job as an aircraft mechanic. Questions became less frequent and tasks that were challenging became routine. My financial situation stabilized and I was able to budget and start saving large amounts of money towards a decent vehicle. Hockey was in full swing, not only in the NHL but after 2 months of rust (having not played in 8 years), I found my feet and started racking up the point totals. Everything was set and I was content with it...not happy though. Then I met her...online. I'll admit, this was not how I planned to meet anyone. Long, cold winter nights can make you do strange things. I'd been on chat rooms and such but mostly for entertainment and to laugh at people who were miles apart either threatening to punch each other in the face or profess their love to one another. People who never met and probably never will. It was so stupid, but entertaining. This was not how I'd ever meet anyone significant. But it happened. Not in a chat room, but I was dumb/desperate/lonely enough to sign up to a matchmaking site. It was a site some dude at work, who I thought was the biggest idiot ever, told me about. I guess I was the idiot. So I started it up. Made up my profile, put up two or three pictures, did these stupid questions they gave you to help you find your match, did some slightly entertaining tests about yourself and such. As I navigated through the site, oddly drawn in to it, I found her journal entry. At the time it didn't seem so significant. She was going through some tough times and wrote how she felt about it, a lot like what most of you do. Her words were so meaningful, sincere and engaging. She was online as I read this and others she wrote and PM'ed her a simple "you're writing is amazing, sorry how things are going for you, hope they turn around for you soon." I left it at that thinking she wouldn't answer thinking I was a creeper and such. But no, she answered and things went on from there. I wouldn't have called it an instant connection, since both of us were a little wary of the online meeting situation. Not to mention just over a thousand miles away. But over time, short IM sessions became conversations hours on end on the phone. Our tastes in music mirrored each others. We shared many more interests and values, as well as how we saw the world. And with every conversation, I could tell she was getting happier. Within a month we were unofficially dating, another month later it was. We still haven't met face to face cause of work and her school but I've been saving up vacation hours to do just that and soon we finally will be together. One problem...after being together for almost 6 months without seeing each other, doubts have crossed my mind. Conversations have become stale and less frequent. The flare has gone. I was getting discouraged and depressed...was I losing her? I told her about this yesterday and it made her cry, I hate myself for that. But after reassuring her that it was just a concern and nothing more, she sniffed, took a deep breath and told me she loved me and if we've managed the distance together for this long, surely we can manage just a little while longer before I get to visit her. I wasn't losing her, even if our conversations haven't been as passionate as the first few months, she just enjoyed to hear from me and it still brightened her day. The relationship evolved to something mature and unconditional. I see that now. She is just simply amazing and I can't wait to see her. I'm lucky to be with her and now I can say... I'm happy too. ____________________________________________________________________ "These Are The Nights" - Making April