Wow, i never knew I could ever be this bored. I probably have been more before, but I guess since this is the here and now, it's the most I've ever been. It's raining. Now from my previous entries I'm guessing it would seem like I'm the kind of guy who would relish this kind of weather. You know, the kind of person who would put a hoodie on and walk to the closest body of water and enjoy just thinking about anything and everything while I watch the rain drops bounce off the surface. Don't get me wrong, I've done this before and it is indeed an epic experience. But I'm not in a contemplative mood right now. Everything's okay at the moment and sure, I can mope there about wishing this waste of time was spent with her, but I do that all the time anyways. No, I'm edgy. I want to move. I want to play. No, I'm not gonna dance in the rain. I'll spare everyone the horrific display of uncoordinated movements...and not risk my safety. Running's out of the question too. I'm all for staying fit and being healthy and all but I just don't get the point of running for the sake of running. That's what sports are for. Wanna run? Play street hockey or basketball. Besides, on my run, I'd probably get hungry and stop by a McDicks, or Dirty Bird (KFC) and undo all that I've already achieved. Ya, I don't have good eating habits but I'm okay with it. Thanks to hockey and basketball I can say I'm fit enough. I was supposed to play street hockey with a bunch guys from work like we always do every Wednesday and Saturday, but, alas, nature had other ideas. We love our Canadian sport with a passion but not enough to be willing to roll around in the mud. If you watch how we play, you'd understand. But thinking about it now, maybe it's the boredom talking, Soccer's played in the mud and it's fairly epic to watch...hockey in mud would be even more so cause it's just that much awesomer than Soccer. I'm really starting to miss ice hockey. Indoor arena...no mud. Basketball...I could do that. Basketball in the rain is the most relaxing thing ever. Clears one's mind better than alcohol sometimes. I need a ball...I don't want to buy a ball. Damn life and the lemons it throws at you. NO! I don't want lemonade, its not hot enough. Now I've gone off track and lost my train of thought...I'm so bored, God help me. ____________________________________________________________________ "Thousand Mile Wish" - Finger Eleven

How proud do I feel of myself tonight? Here I have been, for the past several months, ranting and raving about how being so far away gives me so very little opportinuties to show just how much she means to me. I can't simply kiss her when I feel greatful she's with me. I can't hug her when her troubles start becoming too much of a burden. Well tonight, after waiting hours for her call, I start to feel angry and irrate. So when she finally does call, I feel bitter. I feel bitter because of things that happend that day. Bitter because she made me wait. Bitter cause I'm getting tired and just want to go to bed now. But when she does call, she's obviously upset about something. Something happened today that made her usually pleasant greating turn to a suppressed cry of frustration. I ask her if everything's okay and she simply replies that she doesn't want to talk about it. Fair enough. But rather than just being there for her by talking about anything to get her mind off it, I simply tell her that I'm tired and gonna call it a night. Without even thinking. After all this time of complaining about how I can't show how much she means to me, tonight happens and I play the stuck-up jackass of a boyfriend. At no time did I push aside the fatigue and bitterness to selflessly just be there like I always told her I would be. I don't even any right to be bitter, after all I wasn't there to talk to her after work like I always do. I was out playing street hockey while she probably waited for me and all I left was a lame message on her IM before leaving. Feeling bitter for her not calling a few hours earlier after doing the very same thing to her...I hate myself right now. I love her. I'd do anything I could for her. I wish I could just jump on the next plane to finally be with her...forever. But words like these are hollow tonight. I can't believe how much she's putting up with just to be with me, I don't deserve someone like that, but at the same time, I really am truly greatful. She's my world, even though we are miles apart. I don't even want to start imagining life without her again. I hope she forgives me not only for turning my back on her, but for even having those negative thoughts towards her, even though there was no excuse for having them. She's still not answering...I'm so sorry. ____________________________________________________________________ Waiting for your call, I'm sick call, I'm angry call, I'm desperate for your voice... - Secondhand Serenade: Your Call

Well, I've reached that point once again. The point in a relationship where that wonderful, fuzzy feelings of new, blind love slowly flicker to a dim glow. This is where, in the past, I've taken just a quick reassessment of the situation before ending it right there. Love like that doesn't last forever. Especially in long distance relationships. But it's different now. Instead of running away after just a short glance, I've dug deep, thought about it and realize that this girl is just too amazing to let go. She's put up with not only the distance but with me and my antics as well, and I'm not easy to be in a relationship with. I've always treasured the fact that we shared the same values in almost every aspect in life. Her interests practically mirror mine, from sports to music. I just couldn't let her go, she's not just another fling. So even though yes, those mushy talks and radical plans may come by less than they used to, I have learned to build this relationship on a foundation of trust and unconditional love. It's hard with the distance, and as the date of when I visit here draws closer, it's not going to get easier. There's still the goodbyes after the visit. But as I said before, all I need to do is talk to her and everything will be okay, I know it. ADIDAS ____________________________________________________________________ "These Are The Nights" - Making April

I probably should feel proud that I've lasted this long before finally feeling the burden of a Long Distance Relationship. While most people start suffering after weeks of separation, it's been months since we first met, and it has taken me until now to realize just how far she really is. It's not a feeling I particularly like...at all. This realization may have been amplified by this period of uncertainty in other aspects of my life at the moment. As things start becoming bleak, I wish more and more that she was by my side. But I don't want to burden her with anything right now; she's got enough on her plate and certainly doesn't need me to serve her another helping of problems. So instead, I'm taking a page out of her book and writing...just writing to feel better and so far its working. I had everything planned out before I moved up here. I'd work up in Yellowknife, where the money was good, for my 2.5 year apprenticeship. Upon completing that, I'd move back down south as a licensed engineer, where ever that may be. I'd rent this basement suit for a few months then move to a larger apartment where both my cousin and I can have our space and help each other financially. Then after a year or so, I would have enough money saved to buy my very own truck. The next year and a half would be spent saving and saving, so that when I do move back down south, I'd be able to survive comfortably. Oh, and nowhere did I plan to be involved in a relationship. I needed to get my life on track first before I add someone to it. Boy how plans change. Now, with this whole economic crisis happening, I'm praying I'll still be employed by the time my first year is up. My cousin doesn't want to stay any longer than he has to, leading to another move and me wondering how financially stable I'll be, while anticipating a pay-cut or even a lay-off. My dreams of having my own truck dwindle as I face a reality of driving a beater car for the next few years cause I may not be able to afford it. My move back down south may come sooner if I find myself jobless in the near future, a second year apprentice instead of a licensed engineer, far from comfortable and not where I now plan to be. As platforms I thought I solidified in my life start to crumble a bit, one that stands strong is the one I never intended to form, at least not for a while. She's there almost every day for me, keeping me afloat without her even knowing it probably. Her voice has a healing touch that can lift away these worries, and, temporarily at least, take me away from reality. She is the most beautiful person I know, both inside and out, and I couldn't imagine her not being around to keep me strong durning these times. I would like nothing more than to wrap her in my arms, knowing that everything will be okay just because she's there with me. But I can't, she's too far away and it's a terrible, heart-wrenching realization. But I love her with all my heart and that, along with the anticipation of finally being with her one day, is strong enough to overcome that longing and pain. Hopefully she will continue to be that beacon of hope and everything will follow suit. They say good things come to those who wait. ____________________________________________________________________ "Back Home To You" - Cinder Road