holy crap...what have I become? nothing can ever seem to be simple anymore. A few miss interpretations and everyone hates me...something doesn't go my way, and the world is against me? Where the hell did I go wrong??? Before I used to be carefree, act stupid, say stupid things and not care. Voice my opinions and beliefs only to stand my ground if they were thrown back at me. Now I've become only a shadow of my former self. Smiles disappear only to be replaced with scowls. Friendly gestures somehow become interpreted into plots against me. I've never been a cynic. Nor did I ever want to be one. If I fell I'd just get up, brush off the dust and move on. Never would I just lie on the ground taking kicks from everyone who walks by...intentional or not. It makes me sick. I don't know how I got here, which makes it more of a difficult rut to get out of. Maybe it's because I don't have that someone to turn to for some sort of release. Reg would let me unleash my inner kid, doing everything, saying anything without a care in the world. Jason would bring out the rebel in me. If things got hard, there was always Jason and his numerous methods of "getting by" whether its by drinking, smoking pot or just minor vandalism. Scott would bring the thrill seeker out of me anything from mountain biking some of North Van's trails or going down some of the most difficult ski hills at break neck speed...mind you most of these activities resulted in injuries which I am now forced to cope with. Regardless of who I was with before, someone would be there to keep my spirits up, take me away from reality and into another part of myself that I would not tap into on my own. But I've left those friends behind and have not been willing to open up to the new ones I've made up here. Age difference could be a factor but there's just something about being people who you've grown up with. And I miss those days. Things have changed in my life recently, that's for sure. But as one brilliantly written song says, "But how we survive, is what makes us who we are." I'm not surviving, which is why I guess I don't like who I am right now. But even though I've left the ones that have helped me define myself, they will always be there and, if I'm willing, the new ones could help me find out other qualities I have yet to know about myself. It's all a matter of opening up and letting them in. And of course, if all else fails, She's always there for me...except for the rare occasions when she's not, then I'm in a complete panic and once again, the world is against me. But taking a deep breath and not jumping to conclusions could help with that...it sucks having a reactive personality sometimes. But no, I should know She'll always be there for me and just be patient and keep looking forward to the future. A future with her filled with love and happiness...all I have to do is wait. I guess there really is no structure to this note/blog but I just had to release...lack of sleep gets me thinking too much and I guess all I needed was to spill everything...like she told me to do once. I feel better now. Hopefully tonight I can sleep. ____________________________________________________________________ There is love burning to find you. Will you wait for me? "My Curse" - Killswitch Engage

I've started quite a bit of journals since my last ones but I ended up getting bored, tired or just down right sick of what I was writing. There has been nothing interesting happening lately which probably makes this one just a waste of time. But let's see where this goes. I've gone back to listening to heavy music after a stretch there of listening to mushy stuff. I'm kinda glad I got out of it, yet some how sad too. Most of it had to do with the new, budding romance I got myself into months ago. Songs she introduced to me, which, I won't lie, were pretty awesome, but they just weren't "me". She got me into We the Kings, Secondhand Serenade, FM Static, Owl City and Mae. I've tried listening to them lately but honestly just got bored after one or two songs. Kind of sad, cause it kind of feels like what we had is not the same anymore. Or maybe I'm just over the giddy part of the relationship and moved on back to how I was before...but with her, which is still going strong. Anyways, I've returned to Rise Against recently. I've liked them before, but only knew a few songs. I realized recently, I was introduced to a few of their songs by my friends but never really followed it up by looking for more. I thought the ones they made me listen to were amazing, so I don't know why I never looked for more of their stuff like I usually do after I hear a good song by a band. So I did, I downloaded more...a lot more. They are truly amazing and some of their songs are so deep, Tim is an amazing singer and writer. The song that I've really gotten into is Survive. Anyone who is having a hard time should really listen to this song. I mean with words like "To spend your waking moments simply killing time / Is to give up on your hopes and dreams and give up on your life" and, of course "But how we survive is what makes us who we are" makes this song an eye opener. Whether it speaks out to certain individuals is up to interpretation, but I can't help but feel something whenever I listen to this song. Needless to say, the re-introduction to punk and metal has been a lot more uplifting when I'm down than those sappy, "don't leave me" songs I was listening to for the past few months. Don't get me wrong, I still have those nights where I want to coo over her and play a few sap songs, but I just needed some balance. ____________________________________________________________________ Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes - "New Divide" - Linkin Park

I am soooo tired. I'm pushing 25 hours of no sleep at all. I haven't done this since high school. And it's not like before when the reason was going all over town all night with a bunch my buds for shits and giggles. No, I've been up since 11am yesterday morning because I got called in for work at midnight, before I had any chance to sleep. I don't work on big commercial jets or little charter planes. I'm proud to say I work on Medivacs, or Air Ambulances, because I can say, in a way, I help save lives. Because of this, we have to make sure that when a plane gets a snag, it's our job to get it back online as soon as possible. Therefore, aside from our regular 12 hour shifts, we are on-call. If a plane goes down in the middle of the night, we're called in to patch it up. That's what happened last night at exactly midnight. I had work the next day at 6am so I was trying to sleep early. But it was hot and I've been too cheap to buy a fan. The call came at 12am, my boss said one of our planes had some landing gear problems so get to the hanger in half an hour. I still hadn't gotten any sleep. This fix took us till lunch time today and I hit that 24 hour wall hard. So they sent me home. I still had work tomorrow and there was no way I should finish my shift which ends at 6. At this current state, I feel drunk and in no state to work on these machines. So now I'm home. Incredibly tired. But I'm not going to sleep. If I do, right now, I know I'll be waking up at 9 tonight, wide awake and won't be able to get a good night's sleep again. I'm going to force myself to stay up and at this rate, I'm gonna go at least 30 hours without sleep. It may not be a big deal but trust me, for me it is. I'm gonna go now, I can't think straight. I guess I'll turn on the XBOX360 or PS3 for some mindless entertainment. ____________________________________________________________________ "But Tonight We Dance" - Rise Against

I...actually have nothing to complain about. I just thought since I haven't had an entry in a while, I'd do it for shits and giggles. We've patched the little leak we had that I admittedly caused. It was just stupid insecurities that I had and only had to hear her say everything was going to be okay to truly believe it. We had our best talks in weeks yesterday night and it was really, really nice. Laughing with her, even if it is just over a phone, are times I truly cherish and wish I could hold on to forever. But I can't. Eventually we have to hang up. I had work in 4 hours after all. So with the little sleep I had, I managed to dream about her. Something I haven't done in so long. I don't remember what exactly happened, but I just remember seeing her face, her hand in mine and feeling giddy...yes, the mighty mouse of hockey (being on the small side while still being able to be a tenacious checker), felt giddy. It happens. I don't care about admitting that to any of you cause I don't know you. Judge as you please, only few people in this world can make me care about their opinions. Anyways, it was a good night over all that influenced my attitude at work. Compared to not only two days ago when no one could say anything without me snapping at them, I had a jump in my step and the guys noticed. I hate being an asshole. I don't like alienating myself from people, especially my friends and those who I work with. It was nice to interact with them properly again, even if it was back to "let's harass the young one." I'm used to it. Having finished school earlier than most people my age, I've been the youngest in almost everything I participate in. Sports, work, you name it. Being harassed comes with being the youngest one. It's all about earning your stripes. We had two flight tests today, both pretty uneventful cause...well, we fixed the problems. I like flying, and the satisfaction and confidence I get after finishing a job makes those test flights that much more enjoyable. So ya, things have gotten back on track. It's a good feeling. I'll try to not let my head get in the way of things again. ____________________________________________________________________ I mourn for those who never knew you "Rose of Sharyn" - Killswitch Engage

I'm gonna start to sound like a broken record and, trust me, I'm starting to get annoyed with myself about it too. But she was right, writing things down is a great release and helps you take a step or two back to take a deeper look into the situation before taking it out on someone else. Hopefully it will make you look at things in a different light. Rolling back the past few months to before it all began, I was okay with everything in my life. Happy? Maybe not, but content. I had finally found a comfort zone at my job as an aircraft mechanic. Questions became less frequent and tasks that were challenging became routine. My financial situation stabilized and I was able to budget and start saving large amounts of money towards a decent vehicle. Hockey was in full swing, not only in the NHL but after 2 months of rust (having not played in 8 years), I found my feet and started racking up the point totals. Everything was set and I was content with it...not happy though. Then I met her...online. I'll admit, this was not how I planned to meet anyone. Long, cold winter nights can make you do strange things. I'd been on chat rooms and such but mostly for entertainment and to laugh at people who were miles apart either threatening to punch each other in the face or profess their love to one another. People who never met and probably never will. It was so stupid, but entertaining. This was not how I'd ever meet anyone significant. But it happened. Not in a chat room, but I was dumb/desperate/lonely enough to sign up to a matchmaking site. It was a site some dude at work, who I thought was the biggest idiot ever, told me about. I guess I was the idiot. So I started it up. Made up my profile, put up two or three pictures, did these stupid questions they gave you to help you find your match, did some slightly entertaining tests about yourself and such. As I navigated through the site, oddly drawn in to it, I found her journal entry. At the time it didn't seem so significant. She was going through some tough times and wrote how she felt about it, a lot like what most of you do. Her words were so meaningful, sincere and engaging. She was online as I read this and others she wrote and PM'ed her a simple "you're writing is amazing, sorry how things are going for you, hope they turn around for you soon." I left it at that thinking she wouldn't answer thinking I was a creeper and such. But no, she answered and things went on from there. I wouldn't have called it an instant connection, since both of us were a little wary of the online meeting situation. Not to mention just over a thousand miles away. But over time, short IM sessions became conversations hours on end on the phone. Our tastes in music mirrored each others. We shared many more interests and values, as well as how we saw the world. And with every conversation, I could tell she was getting happier. Within a month we were unofficially dating, another month later it was. We still haven't met face to face cause of work and her school but I've been saving up vacation hours to do just that and soon we finally will be together. One problem...after being together for almost 6 months without seeing each other, doubts have crossed my mind. Conversations have become stale and less frequent. The flare has gone. I was getting discouraged and depressed...was I losing her? I told her about this yesterday and it made her cry, I hate myself for that. But after reassuring her that it was just a concern and nothing more, she sniffed, took a deep breath and told me she loved me and if we've managed the distance together for this long, surely we can manage just a little while longer before I get to visit her. I wasn't losing her, even if our conversations haven't been as passionate as the first few months, she just enjoyed to hear from me and it still brightened her day. The relationship evolved to something mature and unconditional. I see that now. She is just simply amazing and I can't wait to see her. I'm lucky to be with her and now I can say... I'm happy too. ____________________________________________________________________ "These Are The Nights" - Making April

Wow, i never knew I could ever be this bored. I probably have been more before, but I guess since this is the here and now, it's the most I've ever been. It's raining. Now from my previous entries I'm guessing it would seem like I'm the kind of guy who would relish this kind of weather. You know, the kind of person who would put a hoodie on and walk to the closest body of water and enjoy just thinking about anything and everything while I watch the rain drops bounce off the surface. Don't get me wrong, I've done this before and it is indeed an epic experience. But I'm not in a contemplative mood right now. Everything's okay at the moment and sure, I can mope there about wishing this waste of time was spent with her, but I do that all the time anyways. No, I'm edgy. I want to move. I want to play. No, I'm not gonna dance in the rain. I'll spare everyone the horrific display of uncoordinated movements...and not risk my safety. Running's out of the question too. I'm all for staying fit and being healthy and all but I just don't get the point of running for the sake of running. That's what sports are for. Wanna run? Play street hockey or basketball. Besides, on my run, I'd probably get hungry and stop by a McDicks, or Dirty Bird (KFC) and undo all that I've already achieved. Ya, I don't have good eating habits but I'm okay with it. Thanks to hockey and basketball I can say I'm fit enough. I was supposed to play street hockey with a bunch guys from work like we always do every Wednesday and Saturday, but, alas, nature had other ideas. We love our Canadian sport with a passion but not enough to be willing to roll around in the mud. If you watch how we play, you'd understand. But thinking about it now, maybe it's the boredom talking, Soccer's played in the mud and it's fairly epic to watch...hockey in mud would be even more so cause it's just that much awesomer than Soccer. I'm really starting to miss ice hockey. Indoor arena...no mud. Basketball...I could do that. Basketball in the rain is the most relaxing thing ever. Clears one's mind better than alcohol sometimes. I need a ball...I don't want to buy a ball. Damn life and the lemons it throws at you. NO! I don't want lemonade, its not hot enough. Now I've gone off track and lost my train of thought...I'm so bored, God help me. ____________________________________________________________________ "Thousand Mile Wish" - Finger Eleven

How proud do I feel of myself tonight? Here I have been, for the past several months, ranting and raving about how being so far away gives me so very little opportinuties to show just how much she means to me. I can't simply kiss her when I feel greatful she's with me. I can't hug her when her troubles start becoming too much of a burden. Well tonight, after waiting hours for her call, I start to feel angry and irrate. So when she finally does call, I feel bitter. I feel bitter because of things that happend that day. Bitter because she made me wait. Bitter cause I'm getting tired and just want to go to bed now. But when she does call, she's obviously upset about something. Something happened today that made her usually pleasant greating turn to a suppressed cry of frustration. I ask her if everything's okay and she simply replies that she doesn't want to talk about it. Fair enough. But rather than just being there for her by talking about anything to get her mind off it, I simply tell her that I'm tired and gonna call it a night. Without even thinking. After all this time of complaining about how I can't show how much she means to me, tonight happens and I play the stuck-up jackass of a boyfriend. At no time did I push aside the fatigue and bitterness to selflessly just be there like I always told her I would be. I don't even any right to be bitter, after all I wasn't there to talk to her after work like I always do. I was out playing street hockey while she probably waited for me and all I left was a lame message on her IM before leaving. Feeling bitter for her not calling a few hours earlier after doing the very same thing to her...I hate myself right now. I love her. I'd do anything I could for her. I wish I could just jump on the next plane to finally be with her...forever. But words like these are hollow tonight. I can't believe how much she's putting up with just to be with me, I don't deserve someone like that, but at the same time, I really am truly greatful. She's my world, even though we are miles apart. I don't even want to start imagining life without her again. I hope she forgives me not only for turning my back on her, but for even having those negative thoughts towards her, even though there was no excuse for having them. She's still not answering...I'm so sorry. ____________________________________________________________________ Waiting for your call, I'm sick call, I'm angry call, I'm desperate for your voice... - Secondhand Serenade: Your Call

Well, I've reached that point once again. The point in a relationship where that wonderful, fuzzy feelings of new, blind love slowly flicker to a dim glow. This is where, in the past, I've taken just a quick reassessment of the situation before ending it right there. Love like that doesn't last forever. Especially in long distance relationships. But it's different now. Instead of running away after just a short glance, I've dug deep, thought about it and realize that this girl is just too amazing to let go. She's put up with not only the distance but with me and my antics as well, and I'm not easy to be in a relationship with. I've always treasured the fact that we shared the same values in almost every aspect in life. Her interests practically mirror mine, from sports to music. I just couldn't let her go, she's not just another fling. So even though yes, those mushy talks and radical plans may come by less than they used to, I have learned to build this relationship on a foundation of trust and unconditional love. It's hard with the distance, and as the date of when I visit here draws closer, it's not going to get easier. There's still the goodbyes after the visit. But as I said before, all I need to do is talk to her and everything will be okay, I know it. ADIDAS ____________________________________________________________________ "These Are The Nights" - Making April

I probably should feel proud that I've lasted this long before finally feeling the burden of a Long Distance Relationship. While most people start suffering after weeks of separation, it's been months since we first met, and it has taken me until now to realize just how far she really is. It's not a feeling I particularly like...at all. This realization may have been amplified by this period of uncertainty in other aspects of my life at the moment. As things start becoming bleak, I wish more and more that she was by my side. But I don't want to burden her with anything right now; she's got enough on her plate and certainly doesn't need me to serve her another helping of problems. So instead, I'm taking a page out of her book and writing...just writing to feel better and so far its working. I had everything planned out before I moved up here. I'd work up in Yellowknife, where the money was good, for my 2.5 year apprenticeship. Upon completing that, I'd move back down south as a licensed engineer, where ever that may be. I'd rent this basement suit for a few months then move to a larger apartment where both my cousin and I can have our space and help each other financially. Then after a year or so, I would have enough money saved to buy my very own truck. The next year and a half would be spent saving and saving, so that when I do move back down south, I'd be able to survive comfortably. Oh, and nowhere did I plan to be involved in a relationship. I needed to get my life on track first before I add someone to it. Boy how plans change. Now, with this whole economic crisis happening, I'm praying I'll still be employed by the time my first year is up. My cousin doesn't want to stay any longer than he has to, leading to another move and me wondering how financially stable I'll be, while anticipating a pay-cut or even a lay-off. My dreams of having my own truck dwindle as I face a reality of driving a beater car for the next few years cause I may not be able to afford it. My move back down south may come sooner if I find myself jobless in the near future, a second year apprentice instead of a licensed engineer, far from comfortable and not where I now plan to be. As platforms I thought I solidified in my life start to crumble a bit, one that stands strong is the one I never intended to form, at least not for a while. She's there almost every day for me, keeping me afloat without her even knowing it probably. Her voice has a healing touch that can lift away these worries, and, temporarily at least, take me away from reality. She is the most beautiful person I know, both inside and out, and I couldn't imagine her not being around to keep me strong durning these times. I would like nothing more than to wrap her in my arms, knowing that everything will be okay just because she's there with me. But I can't, she's too far away and it's a terrible, heart-wrenching realization. But I love her with all my heart and that, along with the anticipation of finally being with her one day, is strong enough to overcome that longing and pain. Hopefully she will continue to be that beacon of hope and everything will follow suit. They say good things come to those who wait. ____________________________________________________________________ "Back Home To You" - Cinder Road