ok my life rocks right now! so emily called me last night and we talked about the whole fight thing...it turns out josh was mad cuz me and emily had been fighting alot lately(which we have) and josh has never seen that side of me. i never stay mad at anybody and now me and emily were in a fight so we were mad. but then he couldnt talk to me about it cuz emily told him to stay out of the fight because it was between me and her not the three of us. but i talked to osh about it today and we apologized and everything....we are great friends again and hopeflly we wont get in anymore fights and if we do we will just talk about it and not just get all mad and say we arent friends anymore....i love my best friends and i am sooooo glad i have them back(expecially josh) :)

ok so when im going thru aa tough time in my life i like to write songs. im working on this one right now. its about josh and how the messed up friendship is breaking my heart... breakin my heart again you, your breaking me. your breaking my heart again the first time it hurt so much but this time i dont know if i can even stand i thought that love was the only way that could break my heart but then i found a new way u could hurt *corus* you said nothing ever would break us apart i believed you when you said we were friends from the start i thought i knew you. inside and out again but now i kno that u just wanna break my heart again your nreakin my heart again i, i saw it coming but not right from the start i thought we were friends forever i knew it from my heart but now i see sometimes i gotta follow my head not my broken heart corus thats all i have so far....let me kno wut u think please!

can i say more than the subject? i miss him! it hurts anyway just because he was my first love and so that still hurts. but now i lost him as a friends also....wow i just cant put my pain in words. just let me tell u not to get too involed in stupid drama cuz thats why i dont have him anymore. ok well, i am not sure what else to say. i will let u kno wut hapens

so last night josh texted me. i didnt reply cuz i really need to talk to him in person b4 we r really friends again. i mean, i could just forget this ever happend and tell him i want to be friends. but thats wut i always do when we fight. so this time im going to talk to him in person and tell him exactly what im feeling. then if he seems to want our friendship back then i will give him another chance as long as he gives me one. then maybe we wont fight anymore. cuz i always just forget about our fights and then the next time we fight its worse. so yeah....anyways thanks for reading anyone that actually has. i will let u kno wu happens

wow yesterday i realized how much i actually miss my friendship with josh...sometimes i will see/hear/think of something really funny that either reminds me of an inside joke i have with him or something that just makes me think of him and i think to myself "omg i have got to tell this to josh!" and then i remember that he isnt have friend anymore. i still have 2 best friends and they are awesome. but talking to them isnt the same as it was talking to josh. he always knew the right thing to say and he always listened. he knew when to make me laugh or when to give me advise. when to be serious or when to be funny. ive never had a friend like that. i mean, he just understands just about everything im going thru with family and stuff so now i have nobody to talk to about it. he texted me this morning and told me that he wants to be friends but he still cant tell me why he was mad. idk if i should be his friend again. i want our friendship back but i dont want it back if he isnt going to be himself. or if he is going to believe rumors about me without even talking to me about it first. idk what to do. i wish that josh would read this journal so he could see exactly what im feeling in words. but i dont think that is going to happen. oh well i guess. maybe there is somebody else out there that can be that great friend to me like he was. but honestly i dont want anyone else. i just want him back. thats just about all i want in life right now...

ok so i told u about jenny who is dating my ex best friends, josh. but idk why he hates me....all i kno is him and emily are on a team against me for what "did". ugh it dives me crazy. anyways...i thot that maybe jenny was on my side because she said she will ask josh what i did and she promised to tell me what he said. so i ask her and she said she couldnt tell me. this makes me so mad...i thought jenny was on my side because she PROMISED me, her best friend, that she would tell me. but no. she takes her stupid boyfriends side of all of this. i dont even kno why i keep being her friend. i mean, she stabbed me in the back by taking my first love away from me and breaking the most important rule of girl code(never date a friends ex or someone that they were really in love with) then she tells me that friends are more improtant then her boyfriend but then goes and takes his side in everything. but for some reason i am always there for her when she needs me....ugh...now im left without the best friend ive ever had and two of my other best friends....

ok this is the first time ive journaled online so i will have to update you on everything b4 i tell u whats new in my life...so about a year and a half ago i was at camp and i met this guy...he was really cute and i developed a cruch on him. i thouht it was just a normal crush....boy was i wrong. i only told one of my best friends about him...but only one of my best friends. usually i tell all of them. this guy that i liked goes to my church so every week i would look for him. but he wasnt there very often. and he didnt know that i existed so that wasnt really working for me either lol...anyways, but when i did see him, it felt diferent then all the other guys i had liked in the past. soon, i came to the conclusion that i might love him. i told my number one bff and she didnt think i was crazy at all. then i became obsesed with him and he was all i thought, talked and doodled about. then a few months later, i finally got his number from a girl that also goes to my church. i texted him and he said who is this and i chickened out and said wrong number. haha but he was like yah right....how old are you? i told him i was 13 he said he was 13 too. so i kept texting him for a while and then he realized i went to his church. he told me that the first time he saw he was just like...whoa. so we liked each other and we just kinda flirted and stuff then i decided to tell him i liked him. i told him and he asked me out. but he asked me by texting my friend telling her to ask me. i told him to ask me in person and i would say yes. but he never did. then i heard that he liked another girl. so i was way upset and angry. we stayed friends but we didnt flirt anymore. but it turns out he didnt ever like another girl. it was just a lie my friend told me.. he had been texting one of my other best friends for a while and they decided to meet each other. well they liked each other and started going out. they are a cute couple so i forced myself to say they belonged together. but really, my heart was completely broken. what hurt the most was knowing that even when they broke up i could never have him cuz of the girl code. theyve been together for 5 months now. and me and him were the best of friends....as in, he was the best friend ive ever had. then one day me, him, and my so called friend got in a fight because i thought they were talking about me behind my back. i made too big of a deal out of it and she got mad at me but josh(my best friend)wasnt mad. the next day i saw emily(my "friend" who was mad at me) we just ignored each other all day but then we talked to each other and decided not to be mad. so i wasnt mad and i went back to acting like i had always acted. well, just a few weeks ago josh and his gf jenny broke up but then they decided to get back together just the next day(its rediculous)but ever since then he hasnt been acting himself. i ask him wuts wrong and he says nothing. so i just stoped texting him cuz i dont want to talk to him if he isnt acting normal. then the other day we were talking and he said randomly that i wasnt his best friend anymore. i said niether is he and he said that he isnt sure if we r even friends at all. i said i feel the same way. then he told me i mssed up the friendship and not him. i asked what i did and he said he cant tell me. so now all of my friends are against me except 2 of them. i have NO IDEA what i couldve done. and nobody will tell me. emily did tell me that some of it has to do with that night that me, her and josh got into a fight. but idk what happend that wud ruin a fantastic friendship now. cuz that was a few weeks ago so idk how it affected the presant....what should i do????? its driving me insane!