Today was a pretty boring day. Nothing good happened, but nothing bad happened either. I had a lot of laughs with Bayla and Kylie :D. The BGF/ Raul situation has basically cooled over. After one day of not sitting by us, BGF came back, but he still isn't talking to Raul and is really mad at Bayla. I think he and I are pretty much back to normal. He said he's going to try to stop gossiping and judging so much. I'm proud that he's not being too difficult, but I have mixed feelings that it only took him a few days to cool down and "change for one other person." I guess he's just easily influenced by other people, but i think i am too. School is really boring. None of my teachers are really interesting, and all of the work is boring. Health class is probably one of my worst. We constantly talk about self-esteem and goals and stuff, and the teacher says being an average joe is not acceptable. She wants us to make tons of goals and write down every single detail about how we are trying to achieve them, try to get into good colleges, and be as peppy as she is. I just think getting graded and lectured on bettering our personality is a stupid theme for a class. My history class is probably the most eventful class of the day. I sit next to this really cute guy and though rarely, we do talk. I think my nickname for him on here will be Ice, cause his eyes remind me of it. Anyway, I think he is on the verge of dating this other girl, who is a freshman! :( They sit next to each other at lunch and have held hands. But today at lunch, I saw him see her hug another guy, and I was sad to see him sad, but happy cause that means Ice and her are less likely to date than i think. There's this other guy in that class too. He's kinda cute and really easy to talk to, and my friends think I would be good with him. He seems kind of awkward and like he's hiding something though. I don't know why, but I think I am going to call him Thom, hahah. Homecoming is coming, and I want to go or at least dance with somebody, but i don't know what to do. As much as I would like to ask Ice or Thom, or even just ask if they are going, I don't think I have the emotional strength to do it. I mean, it took a LOT for me to ask Ice the answer to a homework question instead of asking the girl behind me, who I usually go to for help. I don't know why I am so awkward. I think I need to get more guy friends. I don't really have any other than BGF and my jogging buddy from last year. Just in case you were wondering, "He" (haha i haven't mentioned that guy in forever! He got really different, in a bad way, over the summer) and I rarely talk anymore and is definitely out of the picture. His inner creeper is starting to shine through and he is weirdly clingy with his older sister's friends. Well, i guess this is the end of this loverly blog. I probably won't write back for a while cause I don't think anything exciting is going to happen at all this week.

Woah, i thought i wrote a journal entry on here since school started. Weird. Anyway, today was probably the most drama-filled day of school yet. In my first class, I had this werid feeling something bad was going to happen, and I was right. At lunch, we were all gossiping about this random girl and bgf was saying how much of a slut she was. Then bgf started to say some mean things about this other kid, who turned out to be this guy who now sits at our table's friend. (I'll call the new table guy Raul, cause its a cool name, lol.) Raul got really mad and said the reason he didn't like sitting by us was cause we gossip so much. Then BGF and Raul kinda started fighting, BGF saying gossiping was just who he is and that he's usually kidding, and Raul saying that most of the things we say aren't true, that most of the people we talk about are really nice if you get to know them, and that he has been on the recieving end of gossip and it has even made him...suicidal. BGF thinks Raul is just saying this for attention, and doesn't care at all about Raul's feelings! He says he's not going to change himself for one person. Then after lunch, BGF did the one thing i was hoping he wouldn't but knew he would- GOSSIP about the whole situation! Me and Bayla were getting annoyed and said "At least Raul was brave enough to tell his opinion!" I said to BGF, "Maybe you should be more open minded!" And THAT threw him over the edge! He gave me the most deadly stare i have ever seen. We haven't talked since. Kylie is siding with BGF and giving me the cold shoulder too. I'm really worried about Raul. Hearing him say gossip made him want to kill himself made me feel like crying! I'm still depressed about it! I don't know if he REALLY wants to do that, but i don't know what to do! He thinks that as soon as he leaves, we start talking about him, since he's heard all the things we say to other people. We don't, but i don't blame him for thinking that! I really want to try and gossip less, especially about people who I am nice to their face, and when Raul is around. But unless BGF gets a serious attitude adjustment that isn't going to happen! Honestly, I think even though it is bad, in a few weeks I will be back to my gossiping self. I know it is wrong, but that is probably what will end up happening. Our group has been like this since we were 12, and Raul has only been sitting with us for like half a year. BGF will probably end up talking to me by the end of the day tomorrow, and want to kick Raul and the freshmen out of our table and bring in the henchmen. He has wanted them to sit by us for a while, but there hasn't been room. They are like 10x meaner than him and will just add more fuel to his fire. I really want to stay friends with BGF, but I don't want anything to happen to Raul!!

I think that when I get old, and look back at all of the summers of my youth, I won't be able to remember anything that happened the summer before Sophomore year. Cause nothing really did. Sure, I hung out with Kylie and BGF a lot the first month or so, but after that all i've really done is go on the computer, watch tv, and work. This is the first summer EVER that I haven't been out of the state. I asked my parents if we could go to the UP tomorrow, and they said maybe. Then I asked if we could bring Kylie and my dad was like "Woah!! We aren't adding a whole nother hour to our travel time!!!" (Cause it takes a half our to get there, and another one to get back.) This really pissed me off for some reason, but i guess i never really realized how truly far away I am from everything. Kylie and BGF are probably my closest friends location-wise, and they live 30 minutes away. What's even worse is that it takes 45 minutes to get to the town where I go to school. I guess i'm just really in the mood to rant about where i live. There is absolutely NOTHING in this pathetic excuse for a town. I went driving today, it took 10 minutes to get to a non-residential sign of civilization, and there wasn't a single car on the road. There were a couple pedestrians though, and my dad got really mad at me for veering off way too far into the left lane. Oops. I can't wait till i get my liscense. Then hopefully I can get a better job and go to all the fantabulous bonfires i've been left out of. Sometimes i wonder how different my life would have been if I lived right in town and went to my current school since kindergarden. Like who my friends would be, if i would have done sports, and if i would be smarter or dumber than i am now. BGF has found himself a Fez!! I haven't met him yet, but BGF told me that this so called Fez will be sitting at our lunch table and all 3 of us are in a bunch of classes together. I wonder how much english he knows, and if he's really awkward yet lovable like the Fez on That 70s Show. I wonder if our group will get along with him. I wonder if our group will even still be intact, with all the changes that have happend in the last month that i'm too lazy to mention. In a little over a week, i will have the answers to all these questions. I feel like this school year will have a lot of "out with the old, in with the new."

What is this world comming to!?! HE likes this cookie-cutter, blonde, abercrombie loving, rich prep now!!! Could he be more idiotic?!? I've kinda been facebooking stalking him, and apparently they go to the same camp together. But thank god, she doesn't seem to interested in him. He's left her a coupe of flirty comments, complete with :p smiley faces, but she's online now and she hasn't commented back. Maybe it means that they're acutally talking in person, which could be a bad thing. But maybe it means she's being bitchy and thinks she's too good for him! I'm just really dissapointed that He used to like me, and was almost with me, but then falls for a completely unoriginal brat. I wouldn't be too upset if he liked this girl Beth. She's kinda my friend, and a lot of people thought he liked her for a while. She's nice and she's weird, but she's not a preppy bitch. She reminds me of Luna from hbp a little. But also a little Lavendar too cause she's really overly affectionate. Kylie's not having much luck in the love department either. She got back together with her ex, but is realizing that he's as dull as a doornail. He's overly nice and polite to her, and it's kinda creepy. So Kylie and I have started thinking of what we want our perfect guys to be like. Looks wise, we both agreed that blue eyes, brown hair, tall, and tan would be great, but that really doesn't matter. We also decided that he has to be funny, confident but not TOO confident, and random & romantic. If only guys like that went to our school. Well, i have to go cause my brother's here, but i will write more later!

Seriously, i do! I look like i'm 12 in my Facebook profile picture. I'm thinking about getting bangs and new thick framed glasses. Maybe that will make me look older. Or at least indie-er. The glasses might just end up looking dorky on me though. I haven't posted anything on here in a while cause i've been hanging out with my friends who come up here for vacation. They're the old music, converse & mocasin, and peace-loving type, and really they were fun people. But about halfway through the week, i learned they smoke weed. At first I was shocked- i mean they are perfect students and run a sunday school! But I got used to it. Sarah, the older one told me I should try it some time. Maybe when i'm like 18 and at a big graduation party in the middle of nowhere with some of my good friends. But Sarah and her sister have been doing it since they were 13, and that just doesn't seem right to me. They said you don't get any side effects like a hangover, and that it really does look the way it seems in That 70's show. I'm not gonna lie, it sounds kinda fun. But i won't be doing it for at least 3 years, if ever. I've come to realize i'm easily influenced by people. Even though i'm not on their weed-wagon, after hanging out with Sarah and Molly, i downloaded a bunch of their favorite songs onto my ipod and am saving up for a pair of custom converses. I think i act a little different with each of my friends, too. One time Bella was telling me how one of our other friends is like that, and it's only because she doesn't know who she is. Does that mean I don't know who I am?? Even thought my summer has been relatively boring, it feels like it's almost over. In a week and a day, it WILL be half over! I don't really know what I want to do with the rest of the summer. I hope i can corrall some people into going to the fair with me and that i can go on a G.B.E. with Bella. I wish I could make some money too. But i don't think my mom appreciates me cleaning houses with her, since I'm horrible at making beds. You know how summer used to be really fun when you were a little kid? But it still felt ridiculously long at the same time?? Well it's not like that anymore and feels like one gigantically long and boring weekend. Maybe next summer, the first summer i'll be able to drive (yippie!) will be better. Cause then I could get out of this middle-of-nowhere land i call a craphole and actually go places! And get a real job! And go to CONCERTS!! There's a Pluginstereo concert comming up real close by here, and I wish I could go, but my mom would probably hate it and I don't feel like asking somebody else's mom to take me. You know those yearbooks i was harping about a while ago, well they still haven't come. Grrr... i'm angry =

I attempted to write a song this morning while lying in bed. It was pretty good, and it rhymed and all, but i don't really remember it. I remember a couple of lines, and reading just them, it seems really stupid, but believe me there WAS more. Here's what i got so far: I expected a prince you're nothing more than a pesant. And i'm stuck in the past need to come back to the present. Kinda lame, but pesant and present?? Me like the creativity! BGF is being kinda odd lately. He invited me and my friend (I'm gonna have to start calling her a fake name, which will be...Kylie. i was on the aeropostale website and that was the name of one of the pants) to a party at his house tomorrow. Kylie says he's been talking about me a lot and i have heard him bash Him with my own ears. I'm afraid he likes me. My other friend (I'll call Bella, since she's very twilighty and Bella-esque) is relieved cause that means BGF doesn't like her anymore. But she has also agreed to come to the party. It's going to be interesting. I hope there aren't a bunch of BGF's bro's friends there, like Kylie said there were at the last party.They're all 18 or older, and most likely VERY straightedge, so it's not like their gonna be all druggy or anything. Well, actually that might be a good thing, having them there, because they're BGF's friends too, and he would probably talk to them a lot, leaving Me, Kylie, and Bella to have our own little party within a party. I want my yearbook! My school gave everybody these dumb little booklets to pass around and sign and stick in their actual yearbook when they come. They won't be mailed out untill late July though, at the earliest. I was at Kylie's house and looking at all her sister's yearbooks, and it made me want one of my own even more. Last year, we didn't get any, and i have a total of 3 yearbooks, since my dog ate up all the others. The newest one i have is from 6th grade. I hope they come relatively soon, cause i'm very anxious!

I was on myspace browsing through the music pages, when i came across this girl's page. She had red hair and brigh blue eyes and was really pretty. Once i got to it, i listened to a couple of her songs. They were too poppy and not really my type, but still, she had a really good voice. I went to read her biography and it turned out that she committed suicide. Her mom and sister had been running her page ever since. Even though she's gone, they're still trying to put her songs on a cd and get them onto itunes. I looked at her blog to see if there were any from when she was still alive, so i could see what she was like, but they were all private. It was really creepy and depressing, looking at her page. I was going to send her a comment saying how good her voice was and that she was really pretty, but i don't know how that would make her mom feel. I wonder what would happen to me if i died. What would people think of this blog? How would anyone know if i was dead or just stopped blogging for a while? What would happen to my facebook? I don't think i could stand looking at one of my friend's facebooks if they died and seeing all their status posts and bumper stickers they sent me. This is so depressing...

Lol, every time Bob sings that in the song Lions Roar, i giggle. I can't wait till I get some actual Hush Sound Cds. I'm trying to sell some stuff on ebay, but my annoying brother says i need to pay him back even though he just made $150. Well, school's been out for over a week and every night i dream about it. The school in my dreams is never the school i really go to, it's basically a combination of my elementary, middle, and high schools. In almost every school dream, He's there and he ignores me and acts like he can't even see me. I remember dreaming dreams like this before last school year, and then they kinda came true. I mean, in real life he still talked to me a LITTLE bit and we sat at the same lunch table, but it is nowhere near what it was like 2 years ago. TWO YEARS!!! Why am i still liking him after we've barely spoken in over a year??? I had my friend ask him if he liked me and he said no, but all my other friends said he's just saying that and lied because he's shy. Why are they all so supportive of me and him being together?? Everybody says he's my type and that we should go out. Are they just saying that to be nice?? What else have they said just to be nice?? There's one person who is very anti-me+him, and that's my BGF. He hates it when any one of his female friends starts dating anyone and gets ridiculously jealous. But he hates my dude especially because their families hate each other and have been in this huge vendetta for a few years. I think that He thinks me and BGF like each other, since we're like best friends and always laughing together. That might be a reason for his distance, even though i don't think of BGF that way at all. Next year's gonna be topsy-turvy as long as He stays in band. Cause if he does, me, he, and BGF will have tons of classes together. That could be good, i mean they were friends before, maybe they could be friends again. So, unless He gets a girlfriend or starts liking somebody else, there's a possibility that things could turn out the way they used to be. But if they don't, i HAVE to move on!!!! This year is the LAST straw!!! If i keep waiting on him, i will never have a boyfriend!! This probably sounds really pathetic, if anyone out there is even reading it, and i bet i sound really selfish and juvenile to you. I kinda seem that way to me, too. I wish i had something more interesting to write about.

I don't even know what my subject means. It's just another sticker on my wall, with some random gangster cartoon kid.I don't know how i'm ever going to take those off my already hideous wooden paneled walls. Well, i was thinking about what i wrote yesterday and it's not really true. I mean it is, but nerdy isn't the right word for our bubble. We aren't really nerdy, we are just all in band and get good grades. I was thinking, and basically everybody is stuck inside their bubble. Sure they talk to other people, but outside of school they stick with their bubble buddies, if even that. It's probably not like that everywhere, but it sure is at my school. Why is it that the closer it gets to the end of the year, the dumber the phrases are that come out of my mouth? My gosh, some of the things i said today came out completely wrong, and they weren't even funny or supposed to be funny. They all turned out a little insulting. This always happens- i remember being like this since 6th grade. I think it's because since the year's almost over, i try to say something that will leave people thinking of me on a good note, but it turns out the opposite. In my mind, I often refer to people as either minions or a henchmen. Minions are usually younger than their henchmen and help their henchmen carry out plans. They also follow their henchmen everywhere. The henchmen are kind of like the ringleaders and can get their minions to do basically whatever they want. But people can be minions and henchmen at the same time. This doesn't really make since and sounds really dungeons and dragonish. I don't know why i even brought it up. I call my friend a minion to her face, and she doesn't think it's mean or anything, she actually laughs, but she doesn't know what it means and she doesn't fit the stereotype. Is that hypocritical? Dammit, i just yahooed a part of my entry from yesterday and it showed up. This means i DEFINITELY can't use real names on here or say any of our inside jokes. My friends are known for googling, so they would be bound to stumble upon this. Maybe i went too far just mentioning the Minions and Henchmen. Unless i wanna type a private journal on here, which i don't think is possible and would be pointless, i can't talk about my love life or lack thereof! Hey- i just GOOGLED the exact same text and it didn't show! Since most people use google, maybe i'm safe! I still better be very careful just incase. I know, i know, i'm paranoid. But I really was in the mood to do a crush rant on here! I'll leave this entry with a quote i thought of in my mind involving, well i'll just call him Him for now: "Our hell's about to freeze over. But not because we've resolved anything, we've simply deserted it." It isn't really long or super original, but i feel like somebody should write a song with this in it. Maybe someday i will explain more about what it means and who it's about, if i ever feel bolder.

Wow. What a lame title. But seriously, I am psyched to be journaling again! I haven't posted a journal entry or even written in a journal since around last December, and everything i did in that spurt was pretty lame. I made a fake myspace, didn't let anybody add me as a friend except my real myspace, and refered to myself as Paytin Coltsburg. Don't ask where that name came from. I should be sleeping right now, or at least studying for my finals. I can't believe we have to go to school till June 11th! School is really pissing me off right now. The majority of my friends are perfectionists who need to get A's on all of their finals, or else it's the end of the world. And my *gasp!* 3.7 GPA is becoming a downer on their smartness cloud. I am a little dissapointed that i have a B in Geometry, but i am fine with all of my other grades. My friends are just kind of annoying me right now cause all they ever want to do is homework or study and my one particularly prissy friend constantly tells me how i'm not living up to my potential. This probably sounds overdramatic and whiney, but i'm sick of living like this. The "nerdy" bubble. There are tons of other kids out there going to parties, hanging out, and they're not even doing anything illegal. They get by with B's, a couple C's and maybe an A, and it looks like they are having the time of their life. I mean, that's what high school is for, isn't it? But in the nerdy bubble, we rarely hang out outside of school, only 1 of us has ever dated anybody, and it seems like we are kind of unhappy. I feel like i've just been sitting here all this time wasting my freshman year away. I mean, NOTHING has happened to me!!! As this year comes to a close, i really hope next year will be better. But that's the exact same thing i said last year. Was this just an awful year stuck in the freshman slump, or am i destined for a boring life?? Why is there a cheeseburger sticker on my wall?? I think i've gone months without noticing it. I bet it's been there since i was like 5 years old. I'm pretty sure it came from a "Braceface" coloring book. Remember that show? The girl who had braces and picked up radio signals and could somehow get alerted of danger or something? Wow, that was random. I think i'm gonna go now cause i'm kinda tired and thirsty.