i dont know what to do. i dont care anymore. so. fuck you. thats all. by the way, this isnt for you.

here. back. when i came home, i got kicked out for the first time. my mother fell asleep and my father let me come home eventually. i guess it really sucks. my boyfriend worries for me more than he should, but i dont know anymore. maybe he has a reason to worry. ive been talking to you recently. he doesnt want me to, but i want to. at this point, it could go either way. and you? well youre a jackass but thats okay. youre still fun to hang with, even though your a pussy. sorry we cant talk anymore. so, third hospital visit tomorrow. this ones closer, same creepy doctor. eh, my back/neck has been really really hurting, so maybe they can do something, i dont care. ill take it as it comes, and when life gives me lemons, i say fuck these lemons and ill take a drink.

so here i am. in the end, my parents gave me a little money and we left on a peaceful note. but i still cant look at my moms side of the family. not after what ive heard, and learned. i miss my bunnies. i miss them a lot, and i miss my friends who i can swear around and shit. although it is so, so beautiful up here. i want my boyfriend so bad. i miss him like crazy, i miss him more than i thought i was gonna, and its been two days. i love him. i miss everyone, even my parents. i think im going home with a new outlook. i want to be pretty on the inside. right now im just living and relaxing, and dealing with the varying amounts of how much i miss people. a couple times i just expected my bunny to pop right around the corner, or for salvatore to come upstairs, and run his fingers though my hair as i fell asleep. like that night in the car.. this year is going to be okay, i think. i just, i, i dont know. i need my outlets.. my buny, my boyfriend, my friends, my room, my comforter.. blah. i just miss. miss and love.

i overheard my mother on the phone this morning, when she thought i was asleep. she was talking to her mother, telling her how much of a "slob" i was, and she was lying about my boyfriends mother, and she was making things up that werent true, and downtalking me to my own grandmother. but now it makes a lot of sense; those dirty looks i get when i see any of them. the things they say to me seemingly out of nowhere the stupid sneers of their faces when i say something. the side glances, all the bullshit.
what happened.

im a fraidy cat when it comes to this. why cant i just be normal? ...rhetoric! anyway, i owe you an apology, because i guess since we were so close im scared to do it agian in case you dont want to or something, and i dont know what to say or do. i dont know if i should be normal, or yell obscenities every other word or what. let me know.

whether i have money or not, im leaving in four days. i wish it was forever. anywhoo, i wish things were better. i wish my mom would just stop being so crabby and bitchy and petty (or just drop dead), and i wish she could just shut up sometimes. i dont want to hear about how awful i look when i leave the house, or about how im worthless and i cant find a job, or about how im an awful influence and blah blah blah. and since ive been crabby ive been pushing my boyfriend away, whos only ever trying to make me feel better. BLAH AGH GA MALADAPRAHA. you should talk to me, if you have any ideas? i started making jewelry. its pretty.