Today was just a giant shot to my self esteem. Haha. I went to the mall with a bunch of my friends, who are all way pretty, and me...not really. Haha. My best friend especially is, and my other friends who don't know her as well seemed like they were sucking up to her or something. I have no idea why. They didn't even pay attention to anything I said most of the time. But whatever. I'm getting used to it :| But I like how my friend, the pretty one, doesn't even act like most attractive girls do. She has a great personality and great looks and damn I just envy her (: Haha. But I'm gaining a lot of confidence, I guess. In my appearance and things I do, and the decisions I make. I hope this next year is a great one, and I'm going to try to make it great. I won't be shy and reserved around people I don't know anymore, and I'll work harder at making more friends. Since I said this summer was going to be great and it ended up quite horribly, I have to make my tenth grade year great (: I guess that's all I have to write. Goodbyeee :D!

my house's air conditioner is broken. the whole thing. we won't get a new one for a long time. this is horrible D: butttttt, i've been feeling pretty great lately :D it's 2:30 am, i don't know what to type. i wish people would stop stereotyping rap as being about negative, degrading things. a lot of it is, and it's stupid. but...not all of it :| for example, grieves: I got too many problems and not enough solutions a brain that makes you people think I’m lost and gone delusional and America loves it another sunken battleship another stranded photo book with all my pictures plastered in it. I ain't got a pass yet I’m walking like a free man holding on to heaven while questioning why I feel damned and.. this is something that I’ve tragically adapted to. cellophane my heart to pull the knife out of my back from you and god won’t tell me if he wants me to live don’t speak to me in the way you portray in your hymns don’t breathe through me in the way that you say that you live and don’t treat me differently when satan insists. and this is it. i gotta hold it to the grain gotta breathe life into this desert we roam in shame oughta leave frights window sill and leap from its pain and paint one city block within my unedible fate.

i sound like such a whiny bitch in my last entry now that the day's over. today was actually really great. my mom finally stopped being stupid and took us to the mall. it was just the mall, but at least it was something. then we all went to my house later and chilled in my room, and my dad didn't know max was in my room at all. win :D also, devin, the boy i met in the first semester of school commented me on myspace. he said we havent talked in a long time, and he was really nice :] he invited me to come see his band play thursday, which i just might do. and he said he was bored and i said i was bored too, so he said "let's hook up tonight at the docks, the desperate is playing." but i couldn't go and he was upset. i didn't think he'd actually invite me somewhere, me being 2-3 years younger than him and not really that interesting, haha. overall, today was really great. ignore my last entry (:

why do i always end up crying on my birthdays? seriously. today was supposed to be my best birthday ever. i was supposed to have like six people over, then get more people and go do stuff. instead, my mom decides to cancel plans because she 'doesn't want anyone over'. she won't even bring us anywhere. and it's fucking raining. also, we have no air conditioner. and two of my friends decided that going to washington dc would be better than my birthday. so they're gone. it was their choice, too. so instead of today being the best day of the summer, my mom called me a liar, i'm sitting in a room with no air conditioner typing this stupid thing, and listening to my parents fight. wtf. this happened last year, too. so last year i spent my birthday at my friends house. this summer is horrible. and i was supposed to make it great. my best is never good enough.

seriously, why did i even do that ahaha. my fourth of july was pretty great. i was surprised. my mom and i went to pick up kerrie, then we went to walmart for like two hours haha. my and kerrie found some strawberry peanut butter m&ms and we were like "oh man, i want some." then kerrie saw that a bag was open and was like "oh, here's some" and we took some hahah. theeen we went home and walked to hunters house, we all walked around the neighborhood watching fireworks until 12:30. we broke into kenzie's house since she's in south carolina and hunter has a key because he has to feed the dogs. we were going to steal some of her food but she had none in there. we're such great friends, haha. oh and when me and kerrie were in the walmart parking lot some guy barked at us or something. we didn't know if he coughed, but it scared the shit out of us haha. so we walked faster and sat in my mom's car and watched fireworks from the walmart parking lot. it was a good view (: i've been listening to a lot of underground rap & hip hop lately. Grieves is great. songmeanings only has 3 songs by him so i might submit some lyrics later. it's 4:02 pm, and i still haven't showered. my mom has been in there forever. and she's supposed to take us to dairy queen ): i wish i could write a full song or poem that was actually good. or paint a decent picture. my only talents are my long toes and fingers, i can pop them and it gives me lawlz. i'm really good at super mario brothers, too. and i can spell and read really well. better than most people i know. i guess that's good. but i wish i had something i could actually occupy my time with and make me not feel like i'm wasting every minute away, haha. when you crawl behind my eyelids and peep what i've been seeing when you fall into your silence i find out what they mean when they say that its the quiet ones that always wanna scream so... hush its not about your words your force fed holiness will only make it worse your force fed loneliness is scorching the burns of what god really feels like compared to your words