so i have both good news and bad news, i am headed towards remission, one more treatment and i should be cancer free, my hair has started growing back, and everything is looking up in the department. on the bad side, im feeling weaker and weaker, i want to cut alot, i havent done it yet, but maybe i need to increase my dosage of prozac or something, every second minute that goes by im thinking about cutting, or drinking or cutting and drinking. its fucking horrible, i thought i was getting better i cant slip now, i cant be that bad not now, not just before starting something new, something that could make me happy forever.

my arms are shaking as i write this, this is the first time this feeling has come over me, this feeling that i havent felt in so very long, the feeling that i need to cut, i shouldnt want to do this, i shouldnt need anything like this but i almost miss the pain, im confiding in this journal because i know help is on the way, no matter where i go, there is someone here thats always going to be here, choking on this smoke, choking on the fires in my face, my whole body, is shuddering, almost in anticipation, but is it giving up if i cave in? if i return to my resolve as soon as i wake up? i just dont, cant think of a reason not to, i dont want to, but i feel if i dont fuck if i dont, i dont even know, and then if i do, have i failed?, have i failed my search to stay cut free till my hair comes back? do i dont i? thats the question, right here, right now, i will make this decision, whether i can live with myself afterwards is a very interesting question

i wrote some massively long piece to update this with but i just cant seem to find it >