fucking shit this is bullshit, im fucking wretching in my own misery right now, i hate everything so much, my hands shake at the very thought of moving i fucking hate this, im dying inside and noone realises, i sit with a smile on my face when all ive got left is a dagger through my chest. my heart cracks at the slightest movement, im fucking dying, all i want is for my life to end, i bleed with every move i make and i love it, but i hate it at the same time. fuck i hate this i wanna bleed out, but im not allowed to give up fuck

so things are gonna be ok again. im allowed to drink now, apparently if everything goes right, ill be cancer free in march next year. i worked my arse off this morning, i did 3 hours of hard labour helping my granddad clear about 5 tonnes of garden cuttings etc. it was grueling work, it fucking sucked to be honest. but i helped him out which is a good thing, im in so much pain. my mood well i dont even know anymore, my head is sorta fucked still. somedays i wanna cut so badly, somedays i feel nothing, somedays i cry myself to sleep, and then somedays i dont sleep. id like to fucking fix this, my meds should help, hopefully, i hate feeling this shit everyday. guess everyone who looks at me thats changed can say "brand new me, same shitty you" and they'd be right, i havent changed in a long time, its fairly shit.

i came to a realisation in the past couple of days, my empathy has been fucked by my impending mortality i cant understand why it's happened. I just woke up one morning and i realised what we are, i realised where we'll stay and even though i'd much prefer things to be different in a good way, its not happening, my life, my heart, my mind are ending rather soon, i need to leave my life in a state that im ok with, i need to tell jamie i need to fill him in on everything when he isnt drunk, when he isnt drinking which is hard, when i wish things were simpler, when i didnt have so much to say, when i didnt have some impending doom looming overhead, i cant understand how long the world has longed to get rid of me, i dont know why the world wants me dead, but im ok with it, my life is coming to an end and im ok wiht that, it will be unfortunate for those who are left behind but i cant think about them when im contemplating my mortality. Waiting for that day, is almost making me happy, when i'll finally be free from this pain free from this sickness, when i no longer have to suffer everyday to get up, when i dont have to hide my feelings regardless of who knows what, i still hide my thoughts, my feelings, because it's still the hardest part of life, to be truthful to those around you. When it comes time, and i know this is morbid but i'd like only 3 people there with me, I'd like Bec, Crawfy, and Lulu there with me when i pass away, when i leave this world, i want the people that represent my entire life, Crawfy my growth into manhood, my brother, the man who helped me learn how to live life while i could, Lulu my struggle through depression, making it through this is the hardest journey ive experienced, she helped me stay alive long enough to find her. Bec what can i say about her, she means the world to me, id do anything for her, id die for her if i needed to, anything i can to help her makes my life worth living whilst im still alive, i know its selfish of me to ask the people that are the closest to me to be there when i die but i have to see them off in my own special way, i know i should be thinking positively but alas things are jsut not that easy, when you realise your impending mortality life just becomes a lot clearer, things seem more important like spending time with your best friends, i love them to bits but i hate them as well, they make me who i am, but sometimes i wonder if i grew up differently in a different place would i still be this fucked up? would i still hate everything about myself? would i still be a cutter? would i still be me? When i look back like this i realise i wouldnt change a thing, my experiences in this life have made things interesting, made me who i9 am, however fucked up i am, i like it, for the only time in my life i wouldnt change anything, from tom to chris to jimi and jamie, to Bec, the one girl that even though she crushed me changed me for the better, i gained my closest friend and im glad it happened that way, my life however longer fleeting, i wouldnt change it, life is hard, life for me is harder then most, but i will live on, in the memories of people that changed me and the people i have changed, i am sorry im leaving people behind but they understand there sint something i can change. I love you all, anyone that has read this all the way through, or just started because they could, everyone that i showed this to, and everyone i gave this to, my life is on display here, i am me, I was me, my concept of reality has been fucked by my impending mortality