Last night, last night marked the first night of complete freedom for pretty much all of my friends, it marked the beginning of months of free time, it was meant to be a day to celebrate, a day to enjoy, and during the day i did, i had fun it was better then the monotony of life, however it plummeted, i reached a point where my entire being was giving up, my mind, my body, my soul, my heart, i just wanted to give up, to let go of everything, to escape from it all and end the pain, to let the darkness take me, i was within inches from taking my life, yet again trying to escape from it all, i never thought id feel this badly so soon after last time, i never thought id let it take hold of me this much, i wanted to die so bad that i cut, i cut until i was a bloody mess, i changed my shirt, i hid the stains, i called that number that he told me to call, they told me go to the ER, i dropped them off, it hurt me so much that she didnt say anything after i told her, it hurt me that she didnt offer to come with me, she just walked away, i died inside at the moment, content with my fate, i stopped on my way there and cut, again and again and again until my sides were smeared with blood, i got light headed as i headed through traffic, i didnt even want to make it out alive, they detained me, an armed guard forcing me to stay, the possiblity of not being able to leave for a week, i didnt, i couldnt words cant describe how i was feeling and am still feeling, i told the doctor what he needed to hear to let me out fo there, i know it was wrong and it was a lie but i needed to come home to see if maybe just maybe i was worth fighting for, but no, i found out, im not, im just to sit here and die, while the most important person in my life does nothing and ignores it, when she doesnt even respond after i apologise for dumping it on her, when i cry out for help, nothing, im i dont even know, my side's weeping, it hurts to move, i cant control my thoughts, i just want to die again, i want to cut until there's nothing left but a pool of bloody clothes, i cant give up, i wont give up, but i want to give up, i need to give up

what do you do when soemthing you've worked so hard to build comes crashing again and again and you keep working things out and you think finally you're almost back to normal where you want to be and then it crashes down again. Im dying, ive come to terms with that, what i cant come to terms with is the fact that im now clinically insane, yeh i said it, apparently my mental state of mind is pretty fucked up, not normal fucked up like i thought, no im clinically insane im now living without metal cutlery in the house, and im on a suicide watch almost everyday because apparently im a risk to myself, well i know that, my scars prove that. but im ok with being a cutter, im ok with suicidal thoughts, im not okay with the fact that im going to have to tell ppl, that im clinically crazy that by the book im so fucked up that they are thinking about locking me up in a padded cell yep padded cell just like the movies, why? because i will hurt myself, because i want to hurt myself, because i want to die, because i need to die, im so over this feeling of worthless and hopelessness, its draining and fucks with my head and i feel terrible