i had good news, very good news, i thought maybe things werent going to shit, maybe id be ok, then the phone rang, today... apparently he fucked it up, apparently he made a mistake and he was sorry, sometimes sorry isnt fucking good enough not when it means my sense of hope is shattered when every thought of a future is dashed and pulled from under you. its not ok, its never going to be ok, i just fuck. I HATE YOU, you ruined everything for me, you ruined whatever i thought i could have, you can die in a whole, fuck this

should i just give up? on all of this? on life, on everything?

So yesterday i graduated high school, officially i no longer have to go to skool ever again. I should be excited shouldnt i? not with exams looming, george running a muck, and the girl i love still undecided FML. I have been somber and clean and smoke free for almost 7 months now, its hard, really hard, but im dealing with it, i feel healthier, im able to do lots of work on sundays im not hungover anymore sure these are massive pluses, but sometimes its really hard wtching other people drink and not joining them, i guess im staying alive longer then i would if i did drink. but what do you do? when your time is running out? haha two papa roach references in one journal i msut be thinking really hard today, guess its the nerves of having my jap oral this morning i went ok, i freaked out too much and forgot some key info >

there was a time when i thought id never feel that pain, from a friend so close just stabbing into my back, with this insane feeling that i thought of all ppl, not form you, but i guess i was confused and stupid to think a friend so close wouldnt hurt me the most, i try and stay strong my heart is ripped from beneath me its funny how i cant even cry, when it hurts me most of all, that knife in my back is like a thousand fists to the face, i cant deal with this not anymore why the fuck did i think i could hold on so long, my hearts torn asunder and my eyes are dry, my veins filled with anguish and my tongue is on fire. Im in hell already why postpone it any longer? go fuck yourself im not made to deal with this anymore

I don't really know why i write here anymore but I know it helps i dont know how or why it just seems to, so yesterday was interesting to say the least. I went to the hospital like i have been for a long time, went and had a PET scan, hoping beyond hope that something's changed for the better, im so sick of bad news. He told me no significant change but not to give up hope, it doesn't mean its a bad thing or a good thing, as far as im concerned it means shit could hit the fan, very very soon, i dont know if i can do it, i cant live with this, this hole in my heart this pain in my head, FUCK. It's so close to the end, i told her how i feel, it comes down to her now, im dying inside both physically and emotionally, i love her so much, ive already given so much for her, id give everything if it means just for one more day i could be with her, just for one day, just once just incase, just incase i dont make it through this

so a few things have happened, it was bad news, i dont even wanna put it up here its so bad, i spent all day sunday passed out in bed, unmoving, not feeling anything, it was horrible i felt broken and cold and weak. and since about last friday ive had random blood noses and shit and i thought nothing of it, but then my gums started bleeding last nite and today, i think this isnt a good thing, it fucking sucks, i feel so weak so tired all the time. i dont know if i can physically make myself get through it, its the weirdest thing, i dont want to give up, but after feeling like that for one day its fucking intense i just i dont even know what to say, maybe i wont make it to the end of the year, its fucking draining, but i wont give up, i will push as hard as i can, and no matter what i will do my best to keep my promise