i was happy for a while there, things were ok, until well today was good, but then i got home and well that was were things went tits up. i had an amazing time today, it was fun sure i was unwillingly jealous at some points but who am i to say who she can and cant talk to, i love her more then anything so i have to accept its her decision, i just cant help it if it hurts me so much to be so close and not kiss her, when that feeling is there that i shuld lean in and i dont, fucking hell im a dickhead. Then i get home and guess whose waiting for me, not a raging mother or a raging father no, my oncologist. He's in the living room. he sat me down and told me that even though he gave me good news yesterday this was still a possiblity, i was like wtf happened? he told me fuck i cant even write it here not until she hears it, i swore on my life that i wuld tell her eveything first, and im going to stick to that it hurts so much she hasn't responded in like 2 hours im really fucking scared so scared in fact im tempted to call her up and get raged at completely but i almost have to do it. I have fucked up i know i timed telling her i had something to tell her terribly, i tried to stop myself but it kept popping in my head tell her you love her dont hold anything back from her. i fucking hate it i love her so much and i may have just fucked things up for good.

So recently i have done a few things, im happier for a start, my hair isnt falling out as much, ive bought two more tickets, im going to no sleep til, and im going to see fucking LINKIN PARK!!!!!!!!!!! IM SO KEEN, IM GONNA BE THERE AT 5pm FOR doors at 7ish lol i have to bea t the front IM SO KEEN

So im sitting here in this house all alone and it hits me, ive fucked everything worthwhile up, sure ppl will say im still alive and everything, and all that, but i honestly have, every relationship ive had either ive done soemthing that fucks it up, or i do something subconsciously that fucks it i mean for christ sake am i not meant to be happy? i mean of all my like i get george our loverly friend george who atm is making my life miserable im not aloud to do anything no fried food, no drinking, excersise everyday but yeh thats not a bad thing but its a fucking hard adjustment and its killing me, i woke up this morning to more hair on my pillow, its not falling out in clumps though its just hinning like a bitch, pretty soon ill have no choice but to shave ti all off completely. im afraid of that day, when i finally have to face this shit and tell everyone absolutely everything about george. its not a nice feeling then i suddenly get a flash about blades again, i swore i stopped that stopped for good and then it flashes in my head and my sides ache and i feel like i wanna but i dont but i do >< fuck im losing control again of everything i finally get it back after my heart is broken and now im losing it all again fuck tis a bad bad time in my head and its not changing and this music probs isnt helping but ive waited so long for this, i guess its ironic that songs telling the guy that someday soon the weight of the world will give him the strength to "go" i feel like going right now