could not think of a subject for this one. so like yeah...the father is marrying sharon. the week after easter. surprise! yeah. wow. he's all like what do you think about me marrying her? i mean, come on, in the first place, it's not like it matters what i think cause he's definitely gonna marry her and in the second place i only met her once for like five days and we didn't barely (blah blah double negatives blah)talk to each other (that time i met her when i was seven doesn't count cause my memory only goes back to like...five days ago...:P ) so like yeah. wow. i...um...don't really have anything else to say. everything else kind of seems less important than that. i got shoes for my dress. u dyed my hair. my dad's getting married. yeah, the latter definitely takes precedent. and i think i'm kind of overreacting. a phrase which here means "going omg omg and feeling slightly depressed as hell." blah. this really isn't a big deal. why the hell does it make me so sad? i don't care. i'll be gone in like a year after he marries her. it's just so damn soon. he just got divorced in freaking december. they've only been dating since july (i'll bet not too long after janey left, or even before). but. what. ever. i don't really feel like telling anyone else. blah. whatever. sooo....i got shoes for my dress. yay. they are gorgeeemous and uberly high i'm surprised i can walk in them. i dyed my hair (it's setting right now). i played audiosurf (gomDOT the songs this week on the radio are so pretty - i love "against the storm"...the mother called it redundant w/E!!). i did my homework. i did my laundry. i got a phone for my room. finally! now i can finally get calls from people! my ringtone is the turkish march. it's so cool. i'm still getting over my cold. or whatever it is i got. blah. i'm all sniffly and icky. i'm probably going to the mother's for easter. i think the father needs me to go so he can go and get married. i bet that's why he asked me if it was my year to be at the mother's. yup. probably so. okay. i'm sorry. but it is going to be so freaking weird with sharon here. i've like just adjusted to janey not being here and it just being the two of us. i'm kind of liking how i'm pretty independent now, cooking pretty much all the meals, doing almost everything for myself but driving to school and paying bills and stuff. it's annoying (eeeewww...responsibility) but it's kind of cool. and now i won't be cooking anything and blah. why the hell am i worrying about who's gonna be cooking? weirdo. lol. i need to get out of the house right now. i need to go do something. but it's almost time for me to go to bed and i'm tired and i still have to rinse my hair and do laundry and scan that paper. i need to get out for a while. maybe i can spend the night at twinja's tomorrow or something. blah. okay this was a very long and slightly depressing entry. it seems i've been making more and more of those lately. p dot s dot: got 2nd place at rally for advanced math II. going to state with danyelle and luis (both of them got first, the big boobs).

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok. wow. that was a lot of exclamation points. but i am so freaking excited!! i was just fooling around on wikipedia, looking to see when my fave bands's cds are coming out. there's like one per month. i am so excited. blue october: march 24 hurt: april 7 afi: not sure, but there's a summer tour so i'm hoping it's before that? !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok that's enough exclamation points. oh. em. gosh. i can't wait for the new hurt album. "wars" is so pretty. it just totally explains everything i've been feeling lately: about how pointless wars are. it's so damn sad. why the HELL do people want to kill each other? how can someone send someone else to kill a person? how? i don't think i could do it. i don't WANT to be able to do something like that. i am getting so sick of violence. so...afi's new cd...crash love. i love the name. i can't wait until it comes out. i'm like internally jumping up and down and screaming and giggling and going omg omg omg and all sorts of goofy giddiness. well on a slightly more depressing note, danyelle's grandmother died. it was so...i don't know. i don't think there are words for something so sudden like that. okay, it wasn't that sudden. she had cancer and all that, but it's still...i don't know. i was just chillin in chemistry, not paying attention, and danyelle came to class with her bags and stuff and asked to see me and she was like in tears and at first i was like omg bryan broke up with her (cause of all that shit before that i will not even get into gomdot i'm such a freaking idiot anyhoo). but then she said that caryn came to check her out and that her grandmother had died and then she just broke down and she was sobbing and i was hugging her and saying sorry sorry. that's all i really remember from that. like it's kind of a blur. all i remember is her face, all red from crying and her shirt, how white it was and her bright orange softball socks and brown. dark brown. it was all in the air around us. that's the only things i remember are those colors. dark brown mainly. a chocolatey brown. i think i've been reading the book thief too much, but i swear i saw chocolatey brown. death must have liked it. i wonder where we go when we die. we have to go somewhere. HAVE to. i don't think i could stand it if we didn't. god, or something like god, HAS to exist. otherwise, what the hell are we all doing down here, trying to make sense of everything when this is all there is? and how the hell can this life be all there is when it's so...fucked up? when the world is so shitty? how can we dream and think and sing and write and love and hate if we're just products of chemicals and neurons and synapses? there is no science for humanity. there HAS to be something more. wow. all that coming out of an atheist's mouth. crazy. but this year, especially english class, has really got me thinking about stuff like that. we were reading "thanatopsis" and i realized that i really need for god to exist (not like the bible god, maybe, but a god or something) because i don't want to stop being me after i die. and i don't want to go up into some oversoul like emerson said. i want to be ME. MY thoughts, MY memories, MY self. is that selfish? to want to keep your...you-ness all to you and not want to be a part of everyone else. i guess i'm just afraid that if i'm that much a part of the rest of everything, i'll lose myself. but will i miss myself? will it matter? what if that unity is so peaceful, so joyful, i won't even care? can i care? if i am no longer an I, do i exist?

so like...idk. it's been awhile since i've last submitted one of these. me and luis went hang out with bryan at danyelle's house. dani was at her retreat. we went pick her up at church after it was over. good fun good fun. only bryan keeps pissing me off cause he is such an asshole to danyelle sometimes. i was checking my myspace today and i had a couple of messages from fish. god. he is worrying me so bad lately. like he always sounds so depressed and he keeps saying he just needs someone to talk to and stuff is just all fucked up and when i ask him what's wrong he's just all like just stuff and then he'll just not message me for a month or two and then blam. he'll message again sounding all depressed. it's crazy. but today i read one of his messages and he was all like you know how i felt about you right and he said he didn't want to start anything he just wanted to know some stuff. and i'm like god. i do not freaking need that right now cause me and luis and doing really good and grr. then i feel all selfish cause fish sounds like he's about to freaking kill himself or something and i don't even know his number to call him to tell him not to. ok. wow. that came out sounding really...idk. it's just been bugging me a lot lately. that and i was so depressed the other night. not even sure why. it hasn't been that bad since that summer. i couldn't sleep for hours, i just keep tossing and turning and randomly changing the song on my mp3 player. nothing was helping...not Hurt, not AFI, not my musical songs, not Nat King Cole, not Earth Wind and Fire...wow. you know it's bad when not even Nat King Cole can cheer me up. or Hurt. they even made me feel better that summer. argh. i hate this. i'm not even sure what 'this' is. (lol, ambiguous pronoun reference!) but whatever. i had fun last night. so...it's whatever. wow. i was just thinking...i haven't talked to the mother in over a week. craazay. i ought to call her or something. i wish the father would start picking up the phone. or get me a cell. and a car. ha ha. yeah right. i hate driving anyway. drove yesterday and still hate it. big ole damn rustmobile i have to drive. got i hate that thing. but no...the father's all like it'll make you more cautious and if you learn to drive that then you can drive a car really easy. grr. at least it's not a stick. :P

today. in a few hours. the father is teaching right now. i'm just chilling in the room, watching stargate (yay for sci fi marathons) and playing minesweeper (i WILL beat expert, i WILL). i really don't wanna go back home. i've gotten used to it here and i hate change and all that so yeah...blah. apparently, the father has to teach again on monday so i'll be staying with the cousins. for a few days. i hate how i'm barely at home any more. like i'll be home for one or two days and then i'll be gone for a week for two at a time. blah. so yeah not much else is going on right now.

me and the father went out in the country last night to look at the comet. we brought the telescope. it was sooo pretty. it was so dark out there and the stars were so bright bright bright and the breeze was blowing and it was a little cool out, so it felt so perfect. when i first got out of the truck i was feeling really lonely and i was looking up at the sky and i was like luis, i miss you, and a shooting star just shot across the sky from orion to the horizon and i thought about what luis told me about a fallen star and i smiled and it was perfect. we looked at saturn through the telescope and it was so cute. saturn is the sweetest little planet with its tiny tiny little ring and it's such a nice little circle and it seems so...pretty. i love it. it's my new favorite thing. sky-thing anyway. so the father didn't have to teach today so we went shopping downtown in good-will and all these antique stores. i found a couple of dresses in good-will that would be good for prom. one is turquoise and stretchy and sparkly and the other one is lavender and slightly poofy (how the heck do you spell poofy? poufy? pooffy? wow that's a weird word...ANYway) and i feel like a princess in it. but i don't know which one to get. we went in an antique store and i found these awesome white leather gloves with pearl clasps that came all the way up to above my elbow and they would have been perfect with the lavender dress if only they would have fit! i was so mad. how skinny were people back then? and then i saw this other dress in another store and it was like...blam! that's my dress. like...destiny! lol (i tried to use that on the father so that i could get it but it didn't work) it was pale blue with white floral lace over it. it had a pale blue sash around the waist that tied on the side with a bow. it probably would have come down to a little bit lower than my knees. but the father wouldn't even let me try it on cause it's probably like 30 or 40 years old and it looks antiquey (but in a totally awesome vintagey way) and he said it would fall apart. aarrggh! it was so pretty. i love it. it was a total poofy (spell check anyone??) princessy, tea time dress, it made me smile. hmm...sigh

happy mardi gras...im just chillin in a hotel room flipping through TV channels wondering why I even came. im insanely homesick, which is crazy because i NEVER get homesick. ever. even when i go to indiana i don't miss my friends or the father or anything. and when i'm back home i barely miss the mother...but right now i wanna go home. me and the father went to the restaurant downstairs for breakfast and everything was reminding me of home. i ordered apple juice and i thought of luis, "moondance" came on the speakers and i thought of danyelle. there's not really much going on besides that...im hoping to go to best buy later on today to get a dvd player or something cause the x-files won't play on my laptop *sigh* i miss how little laptop used to be before blue screen of doom...

why? because i'm freaking paranoid. and insecure. and blah blah blah. whatever. i never seem to realize that if anyone actually does take the time to read this, they won't even know me. so it doesn't matter what they think. because i'm just a random username with a random journal and it's all just pixels anyway. so...on a less vague subject...friday i went to a parade with danyelle and bryan and luis and like a bajillion people from danyelle's family...twas good fun. saturday me and luis saw coraline again. that has got to be the coolest movie in theaters right now. if anyone is reading this, then you, random person, should totally go see it. not just part of the way, but totally. so today was pretty lazy...the father woke me up all early-like cause he wanted to go eat out for lunch. we ended up getting caught in a parade on the way back. it was pretty funny; it was the end of the parade and so all the people were drunk off their asses and riding on trailers and horses and the father rolled down the window and the people were throwing beads in the truck...yeah it was random. not much else happened this weekend. me and the father are leaving to go to texas tomorrow. i'm hoping we'll stay long enough so that i don't have to go to school on thursday and friday.