sometimes temptation is too much. sometimes you get given a chance to delve in what can only hurt you but against hope you hope that there will be some good that comes of snooping. emails kept for years are not designed to make me, an interloper, feel at ease.

"things they can't and wont feel sorry for" maybe one day i'll tell the story properly but i had a really lovely close friend who is now a distant one because of the gjuy she likes the one who i went out with briefly, tried to break up with, who ended up pretty much stalking me and spreading rumours. my friends are still about but i can;t talk about this kind of thing because they are all involved....anyway. enough complaining! i will go and join the real world

nd i also dont talk about my relationship worries either. but i haven't got anyone to talk to.

i'm worried aout two things right now. one is that my boyfriend, whom i adore, doesnt seem nearly as eager to spend every minute of the day with em as I am with him. this could be because he is seven years older than me or it could simply be that he doesn't like me as much as i like him. before him i really wasn't keen on going out at all, and the boyfriends i ahd had made me miserable. i actually count this relationship as the only time i can really say ive fallen in love. i sometimes think about what it would be like if he dumped me and i can almost say it would feel like a relief rather than the worry that someday he might. the second worry is the guilt that i have for crunching a hole in my mum/s rear view vision mirror last night. the sound made me feel physically ill and it's been replaying in my head all morning.

so i'm either suffering from total jealousy or im right. my boyfriend cares more about my cousin than me. as a disclaimer, i'm probably drunk. but i still know that i felt this way when i'm sober. why does it feel like he doesn't care at all about me sometimes but he throws a party for my cousin with all the trimmings and i'm left to fend for myself around the edges? i am starting to think i will give him the silents and see if he even notices. he rarely notices when i'm angry. the other part of me is telling me to binge on chocolate biscuits and go on a date from a guy from high school in revenge. i hate being n love. it's totally pointless.