sometimes temptation is too much. sometimes you get given a chance to delve in what can only hurt you but against hope you hope that there will be some good that comes of snooping. emails kept for years are not designed to make me, an interloper, feel at ease.

"things they can't and wont feel sorry for" maybe one day i'll tell the story properly but i had a really lovely close friend who is now a distant one because of the gjuy she likes the one who i went out with briefly, tried to break up with, who ended up pretty much stalking me and spreading rumours. my friends are still about but i can;t talk about this kind of thing because they are all involved....anyway. enough complaining! i will go and join the real world

nd i also dont talk about my relationship worries either. but i haven't got anyone to talk to.

i'm worried aout two things right now. one is that my boyfriend, whom i adore, doesnt seem nearly as eager to spend every minute of the day with em as I am with him. this could be because he is seven years older than me or it could simply be that he doesn't like me as much as i like him. before him i really wasn't keen on going out at all, and the boyfriends i ahd had made me miserable. i actually count this relationship as the only time i can really say ive fallen in love. i sometimes think about what it would be like if he dumped me and i can almost say it would feel like a relief rather than the worry that someday he might. the second worry is the guilt that i have for crunching a hole in my mum/s rear view vision mirror last night. the sound made me feel physically ill and it's been replaying in my head all morning.

so i'm either suffering from total jealousy or im right. my boyfriend cares more about my cousin than me. as a disclaimer, i'm probably drunk. but i still know that i felt this way when i'm sober. why does it feel like he doesn't care at all about me sometimes but he throws a party for my cousin with all the trimmings and i'm left to fend for myself around the edges? i am starting to think i will give him the silents and see if he even notices. he rarely notices when i'm angry. the other part of me is telling me to binge on chocolate biscuits and go on a date from a guy from high school in revenge. i hate being n love. it's totally pointless.

i live in a temperate climate, and we are really not set up for forty degrees centigrade heatwaves. i just got a message from a good friend innforming me that it is officially the hottest day EVER in our city's history, which is why my lovely air-conditioned workplace was filled with people hanging about simply because they would pass out with the heat in their houses. i feel like a big puddle of sticky prickly bheurgh. I work in a alternative cd store and the music that got me through today was a hot-weather cocktail of the beach boys, the whitlams, the shins, ben lee (that was a mistake though. im not quite sure whether i like him too much after all...) and, in a fit of summer madness, (wai for it ) SHERYL CROW. woohoo! anyway im going to inflate my frog paddling pool and sit in ice water on our deck with my darling cousin :) x

and some you'll do for love love love. it's ten twenty eight pm on a work night and I'm trying to muster the will power to go to bed after a crap day that included getting concussion but having to stay at work anyway (what happened to workplace safety????) but instead i'm here, starting a new journal. i've been learning to sing john darnielle's song love love love and play it on guitar tonight, and it has left me feeling soft shelled. it's so heartbreakingly sweet that i played it three times through. i don't know why i prefer sad songs to happy ones, but at the moment, although i am newly happy, it's still fragile, and chirpy songs don't resonate with me yet. x faith