i haven't written in a while, and i'm having a few things i want to say. i'm still having a pretty ongoing battle with myself lately on wanting to be something more than i am. when i talk to some of my friends, they're always doing something or going to hang out with someone, spend the night with someone, church activities, etc. and i'm always going to be at home sleeping or having evan over. no one really ever invites me to do anything, and it's confusing because i know that the people who know me mostly all like me and are a friend in some aspect. i asked a friend who's got the same amount of friends as i have what they thought about me, and she said they all think i'm really nice and fun to be around. so why am i discluded from everything? agh. i have already decided though that i might start going to this nondenominational church in our town because a friend of mine goes there and meets a lot of cool people. plus i've heard they do fun stuff at that church, so maybe it'll be a refreshing attempt at regaining my faded christianity (i'm agno-christian). and it's not like i'm an attention-craver, but you know, sometimes i really just want to go out and have fun with people. i have fun with evan and everything, but i can't just be limited to my boyfriend. also. saeglopur by sigur ros is so pretty. i wish i knew icelandic. do you ever wish you were from an different country (imaginary person who isn't reading this)? being american is kind of boring, i have no interesting accent or anything. i sometimes wish i were scottish, because scottish girls have the cutest accents xD. or maybe russian. hmm, but i'm thankful i live here i guess. at least i was blessed enough to be raised by a texan family instead of a yankee family (i would hate to have a jersey accent). well. this entry was completely retarded. the end.

i really wish i were something special or something. i mean, sure maybe i am, in a sense, personality wise i guess. but what i mean is that i want to remake myself (physically, maybe not mentally). i hate how short my hair is, i wish it would just growgrowgrow. as fast as it can. and i wish my thighs weren't so unbeautiful. the human body is a beautiful thing, sure, and i'm not too upset with mine, but my thighs... -sigh- i can work them out though, i'm sure. i'm just really lazy and besides, the only person who could even take me to the fitness club is my dad, and he's always working. my mom wouldn't take me there because she wouldn't leave me there alone, and there's no way in hell she'd exercise with me. she'd be too embarrassed. plus, there's her knees. i just have this image of how i want to look, you know? i wish i could dress more cleancut, more the way i want to, but i simply don't have enough money to buy a whole new wardrobe. christmas is soon, though, so maybe... another thing is that i wish my face was clear of all kinds of acne. i don't know if i'd say i have a lot, but i have enough to annoy the shit out of me. i try skin treatments and it seems like nothing really works... i really am not trying to complain if it seems like i am, i'm more than anything just thinking of what i want to do with myself and making a plan to get it done... bah, okay, i'm done now.

this past weekend was marvelous. friday, evan and i just hung out at my house, etc. etc. saturday, cathryn and michael couldn't double date with us because michael's mom is all weird and said no. so then cathryn didn't feel like coming because then she'd be the third wheel. so we'll try to double date sometime in january. but we did go to the movies anyway, by ourselves, and we saw "the day the earth stood still" with keanu reeves. it was alright, kinda boring, took me a long time to get into it. the only good thing about it were the amazing effects. that was all though. anyway, so saturday night is certainly a night to remember. we watched tv a bit once we got home from the movie around eleven, but then we started kissing, making out, biting, feeling, and as soon after he said "i can't take this anymore", i knew it was onnn, haha. his friend had given him condoms just in case it was going to happen this past weekend. all i can really say about it was how amazing it felt, my messy hair falling annoyingly down, how sickly sweet it was when he breathed hard, moaned, then climaxing, almost feeling too good to bear, whispering "i love you"s... hmmmmm. i keep replaying it over and over again in my mind. then sunday morning, it seemed like as soon as we woke up we did it all over again, and once just before we had to leave to take him home. it felt better and better each time... we frickin' screwed like bunnies, haha. and what was also so satisfying was that even after all that, when we were taking him home, stopped at the gas station and we could still laugh about possessed christmas dolls and annoy half the store with our howling laughter and the clashing of robotic christmas tunes, even after all that we did, we were still just as much best friends as we were lovers. i've been thinking about this a bit lately -- wondering if i love him enough that if we were each about four years older, would i marry him? and in my mind, i don't think i would. however, at this point, i love him so much that i want to spend the rest of my life with him, and get married at some point in the future. i certainly know that i want to. but if we had been dating for 9 months and we were old enough to legally get married, i wouldn't. it kind of makes me excited for what's in store though because it just means he and i still have a yet a higher level of love to reach. i swear, my heart will overflow with any more love to contain.

honestly this will be more like a diary for me. i don't think many people, if any at all, will be reading it, so this is the perfect place for me to talk about whatever i want. which is what i need right now. so, a lot of stuff has obviously happened or is going to happen. one of the best people i've ever met in my life died sunday of his kidney cancer. he was only 16. i loved him a lot, as a friend. i really looked up to him as a brother more than anything, and he was as protective as one, but apparently he loved me in a different way. he told me so, one day, after telling me he was in so much pain he thought he would die that night... i feel so freaking guilty... i mean, i know i didn't cause his cancer, but i caused him a lot of heartache. not only did he love me and i didn't love him that way (because i have a boyfriend and as i said, i thought of benny as a brother), but he was having a struggling battle with being gay. he had discovered reluctantly that he was gay when he was 12 or something. he didn't want to be gay, and he tried very hard to like girls for his mother's sake. but he always failed... but then he met me and apparently i was the only girl he ever loved. this is the second guy who has declared their impossible love to me and died... i would love to say i'm lying but i'm not. my older friend from greece (yeah, of all places) killed himself october 3rd. i know i'm definitely not the cause of him doing that, if anything a small portion of what caused it. he was a trainwreck... i really loved him as well, as a friend i guess you could say, but also in a different way. certainly not in the way i love evan (my boyfriend), but in a way that resembled that kind of love. i don't know, he was just a very amazing person... a mysterious person, i didn't really understand him. and he didn't understand me much either, and thought the same about me. he was very stubborn also, and got frustrated really easily because i was always so ridiculous and argumentative with him about myself (i never believed the things he admired about me existed). i thought it was adorable how angry he would get... i never dated him, though, ever. i may have dated him before i met evan (i'd known him before i knew evan), but first of all, he lived in greece. second of all, his age. third of all, he pretty much was a sex fiend. he always wanted sex, sex, sex. not as much from me as he did with his girlfriends. he loved me in some real way, which was foreign to him considering he never loved anyone in that way, he told me. i broke his heart as well and i feel like shit for that. i feel almost worse for this because he killed himself, he didn't simply die like benny (the previous guy mentioned). it seems like all the guys i heartbreak die. you better believe i'm gonna keep evan's heart as together as i possibly can. if i lost him, i have no idea how i could go on. which brings me to my next topic... evan (naturally). lately he and i have been, uhm, progressing in our relationship. we'll have been dating for 9 months this christmas, so i guess it's natural that we're this far into our relationship. but i'm very young, so the things i've already done are considered "bad". but the things we're planning TO do soon are possibly quite worse. i'm ready and everything, but not without being scared and nervous. i love evan to bits, and i'm sure about moving on in our relationship, but i'm not sure how i'm going to handle it. tomorrow we go to pick him up (my parents let him stay at our house but... naturally, they don't know what we've done or what we plan to do) for the weekend. i'm so nervous but so excited all the same. we don't plan on doing the big "it" this weekend, but he's bringing a condom just to be safe. i've read that condoms are 98% effective in preventing pregnancy, but i'm still very worried that the condom will break... according to my ovulation chart, i shouldn't be ovulating anymore this month (i was earlier) or around the times he'll be here this month, so it's maybe 30% less likely that i will get pregnant. so combined, with the correct usage of the condom and with it not breaking, i have a 128% chance that i won't get pregnant. i'm just still worried. but he and i have talked about all of these things, and we really don't want to focus on getting all worked up with worries because that will take all the fun out of it. so we're both immensely excited, we're both equally as nervous though. this will be both of our first times. honestly i think i must be a bit more worried than him, considering i'm a girl... and it's supposed to be painful. i'm pretty much completely sure that it's going to be excruciatingly painful (unlike some fortunate girls who say it actually isn't the first few times), not only because have i... erm, like... "tested" by simply trying to fit two fingers in there (and i have small skinny fingers and it hurt so... fuck), but because i'm pretty sure evan's well endowed @_@. i mean, he's 6'2", has big hands and feet, and plus i've seen him with a boner before xD. aughh. but like i said, i'm trying not to worry so much. at least when i get through with all the pain the first few times, it'll be great afterward. and i'm pretty confident on the fact that our nonsexual-relationship won't change due to this big step, because it already hasn't after all the things we've already done. well, wow. i think i've typed enough. i'm going to stop now. i'm already looking forward to my next entry. this feeling of knowing no one will read this (unlike posting blogs) is very satisfying. i can say whatEVER i want with no criticism.