it gets so lonely here sometimes. and i hate everyone i know. what the fuck you guys. i fucking can't stand anyone. even the people who used to be my friends. annoying as fuck. FUCK. FUCKFUCKFUCK. i need to breathe. i need to go somewhere to breathe. somewhere with clean pure air and clean pure people. these sinners dabble in the worst offenses. selfish. blind. ignorant. i get so angry, it's all i can feel. every word these people say makes me cringe. like listening to feedback at the highest volume. just turn it off. just stop talking. and when i leave. i am telling everybody to go fuck themselves. this town has not a single redeeming individual. not one. FUCK.

people like me. it's true. and it's weird. i've gained a fucking fan base. but i'm a little cold. and it's keeping them fans and not friends. there is a difference... but i don't really know which is better. i'm stretching my ears. i've got them up to 10 gauge right now. i think i want to go to 00g. because let's face it. there's nothing more fashionable than a little rebellious self-mutilation. am i right? haha that's so fucking lame. but those parties... those parties proved it. i am officially worthy. of affection, of attention. of actually being seen and not just seen through. because they fucking loved me. and that felt good. i'm not even kidding. i was adored at those things. and it's still going strong. people still fucking love me. they're still making contact. how bizarre. but it's pretty welcome. i really don't mind it when people find me entertaining enough to keep around for a bit. i got fucking drunk by the way. and i couldn't stop smoking. and i couldn't stop being the fucking shit. i'm almost in a good place. almost almost there. fuck you rob. i could be happy right now. if you only had the balls to tell me the truth about why you dumped me. because let's be honest. the reasons you gave me were complete shit. i mean people fucking adore me, it's your loss. i do not want you back and i do not want to be your friend. i just really want to know what happened. the real reasons. and it's really too bad i've got too much pride to ask you.

it's so cold here. i don't know. maybe i'm just paranoid. but i really don't think i'm strong enough for this weather anymore. because i can feel my chest wheeze every time i breathe. i go numb. and i feel like my chest plate is broken in two and it's caving in, scraping against itself. sometimes my heart just starts beating so fast, i run out of breath. i need to gain weight. and give up the smokes. but i really don't want to. i haven't lost the connection with the dark yet. i still see it moving just out of sight. people think i'm making this up, but i can see them. the darkness, there are creatures here they're fucking HIDING here. and i don't know what they want, but they're here. and they're lurking. my music box that has not been touched in God knows how long, played tonight. a single note radiated through the air. it was creepy as fuck. but back to the cold. the toll it's taking on me is an incredible metaphor i only just now discovered. i forgot that the world fucks with me. but it teaches worthy lessons. they will build you up to bring you down. but sometimes. sometimes in the very best of instances... they will build you up to keep you up. and those are the moments in life you can never forget. not ever. but that's hard to remember when you've been tossed to the floor after swinging from the very highest of the chandeliers.