i'm sixteen. sixteen years old and i've never felt so solid. or so in control. and so in lust with what i want. i feel as though what i desire, i recieve. at driver's ed today i proved to myself i could be someone new. and i struck up a conversation with an attractive boy. that's not me. i've never started a conversation with a stranger while sober. ever. let alone one with somebody so desirable. but today i decided "fuck it". he was out of my league. or at least that's how i'd normally describe somebody like him. but not today. today i was just as, if not more, attractive than him. i felt so fucking pretty. and i could feel my confidence radiating, easing me into it. i was comfortable making conversation. and what's better is he responded so well. he smiled. and he talked back. and we made eye contact that was better than any drug-inspired high. and i've never been so confident in a sober state before. i love that feeling. of making a connection with a stranger. and there was an innocence there, which i normally lack. it wasn't just carnal lust that i felt between us. there was an innocent interest. and an innocent connection. and for the the first time, i've found a boy i really want to see again. and i still feel fucking pretty. i don't know what it is about today. but i've been more outgoing than ever. i'm never like this. i'm quiet. i keep my mouth shut. i don't relate to or interact with others. and i certainly never make the first move. that's the job of others. to talk to me first. and coax me out of my shell and into their beds. but today is amazing. and today i am a different person. natural highs are so pure. smiling at a stranger and being graced with one in return. but i'm a guilty creature. because i'm a sinner. i lust after both worlds. i'm greedy when it comes to this. i can't be satisfied with cleanliness. i want chemicals too. and like i said earlier what i desire, i recieve. i'm animalistic when it comes to these things. what i see i take. and when i take, i take to excess. it's a simple and unrestrained urge to fill a need. to fill and fill and fill. this was proven on saturday. and today. i snorted as many lines as i could. i want it again. i want more. i do, i just want more. this natural high is not enough. but i have to wait until friday before i can get my fix. i need to refill. there are so many opportunities unraveling before me. so many people offering these substances. inviting me to partake. this weekend is party friday, clubbing saturday, adderall sunday. and then it's off to florida: the land of intoxication. only to return around 4/20. with an entire weekend dedicated to it's celebration. it's on a monday this year. and i'm certain there will be times of abuse in between. there's such clarity laid ahead of me. but it will pass within 24 hours. because by then the little orange pill will have metabolized. and that is okay. because it will allow me another chance at connection with strangers. at happiness born from innocence. a clean slate and a fresh start. one more chance before the night falls and i'm plunged into sin again. turn to the part of humanity drenched in darkness. associating with an unseen world of transgression. and the cycle repeats itself. i have the best. the extremes of the spectrum. the lightest of the light. and the darkest of the dark. i hope i remember these thoughts, these sentances. these words i've strung together as i'm strung out. i really need a flask. i have until june to get one. that's when it will become a necessity. perhaps i'll ask jess if she'll save me some vicodin for then. if she doesn't have any robin surely will. and if not, chris will have to be my saving grace. because if i'm going to sit through brigette's graduation party, i will surely need the aide of some sort of vice. our mothers are best friends. and she was forced to invite me. and so i am forced to go. she despises me. thinks of me as a horrible slut. and she doesn't keep that opinion to herself. her brother doesn't talk to me. and i say that because talk isn't the right word. everything he says to me verges on sexual assault. we hooked up once when i didn't even want to. and ever since then he's been set on bedding me. it makes me nervous to be around him. her girl friends won't talk to me. she has them convinced i'm a boy-stealing whore. and her guy friends have been told the same stories, but have a different reaction. they see me as an easy fuck. as a result of brigette's story-telling all they want from me is sex. so i figure if i go drugged up and bring along some liquid courage i will be alright. i'll just sit in the corner, sip my booze and pretend to be comfortable. austen will probably be there. but her friends are his friends. not to mention her best friend is his girlfriend. and so i am unsure as to where i will fall on the scale of importance. i really hope he'll stay with me. out of all those harmful people he's the only one there who i could cling to. the only one who could settle my nerves. dissipate the glares full of hate and divert the lustful glances. just make me feel at ease. because if he says it will be okay. it will be okay. i have a faith in him that i've never felt in anyone else. and i will trust him. i'm so fucking scared to stop writing, right now. i can't focus on anything else. i'm too scared to. i keep rereading my words. and adding more words. but i don't know what else to add.

so i looked out my window. and the tree branches started moving. and now i'm convinced they've got some sort of ulterior motive. against me. and i know it wasn't just the wind or any of that fucking bullshit. the branches didn't just move, they... well they warped. they crept out and extended and began pulsating. ballooning and then stretching out. and it was only one tree. just one. also the other day there was a rock resting on the top of this tiny pine tree outside my window. so i'm really thinking it was a sign of some sort. wow that sounded really fucking paranoid. haha well the good news is i feel pretty fucking paranoid. i mean the walls are literally metling before my eyes. and there are tiny black spots running all over the floor. like black little aphids. i gotta keep my mind occupied buddy. so i'm going to watch PlanetTerror. finally. it's too damn dark in this godforsaken place. excellent books: ExitHere. AMillionLittlePieces.

so i had this whole angry rant planned out. however i suddenly felt this overwhelming sense of calmness and there's no way i can do anything spiteful right now. i am in such a cuddly mood right now. it's rare. i write about it in my other journal sometimes. and those entries are always my favorite to re-read because it's such a softer version of myself that i really don't show very often. but that's mostly because i don't have anyone i feel any real affection towards. but i feel like when i do finally let my guard down, it will mean so much more. because if someone is willing to wait it out, then they deserve that compensation. i will admit it. i put people through a lot to get close to me. even my closest friends are kept at a distance. i will also admit this is no real way to live. self-protection is really lonely. and it's not a good feeling to know there's nobody in this world i can put my trust in. that's why i find it so captivating to watch people show vulnerability. because it's something i can't understand and something that's different from myself. people who just put themselves out there and say "this is me, this is what i'm about and this is how i feel." one part of me really dislikes that though. because there's no wonder. it's all revealed. i almost feel like the people you have to work to get to know, are the ones who are really worth knowing. i mean... the popular kids are fucking boring. the rebel kids are pretentious. they try too hard. but the quiet kids. the nerds and the outcasts. they are the heroes of my school. well to me at least. i really want to find somebody who communicates through touch. i really really do. talking is overrated. please just hold my hand. i can understand that better than any words you tell me.

this made me so so so happy. :) http://twitter.com/owlcity?page=1