i need to stop taking things. or maybe take more things. i haven't quite decided yet. all i know... okay fuck that. i really don't know alot. except that i'm in a horrendous state of mind. and i now know that study enhancers fuck my system up very badly. i can't get myself to sleep. ever it seems. and i always feel someone's watching me. always. and there are so many black creatures appearing and disappearing i don't know what to do with myself. but dealing with it is better than talking about it. they'll just put me on some sort of pill. but i don't want that. i don't want to be regulated. fuck that shit. i just want to get fucked up maaaaaaaan. speaking of which. last sunday. no just kidding two sundays ago. booze. and... hook-up fest '09. i don't want to see that kid again. but i did tell austen about him. and he freaked out. said he hates that kid, wants to kill him. but then he was nothing but sweet to me. i don't get it. austen tells me all these great things. and they're all so nice and pretty and loving. and it makes me rethink the way i work. i want to care about people. i want to care about him. but when it comes down to it. i have no clue what i'm doing.

hey guess what. that dream meant something. i asked austen if he'd been coughing up anything weird recently. and he asked why. so i told him about that dream. and i told him i'd coughed up blood right after. he told me that it had been exactly one year since his lung collapsed. i get really scared about him sometimes. i just finished watching AlphaDog. one of the best movies i've seen in a while. and i need to wake up in about three or four hours. i've got to go to wrestling at like 7 in the fucking morning. when i get back i'm going to a show. then i'm getting really fucked up sunday night.

it was just the two of us. him [in his black wife beater, on his black sheets] and me [i was in a bathing suit. it was black too.] he'd gone to the doorway to check they were all gone. and not coming back. they weren't. but his face was so different when he returned to me. it was fucking distorted. scary. i didn't know him and i wanted to leave. but i didn't. and i let him kiss me. but his mouth was full of this fluid. it was thick. and it tasted awful. and i had to pull away. i turned my head and let out all of this... this red and black liquid. i was throwing up on his bed because when he kissed me his mouth was full of that red and black goo. i was freaking out trying to make it stop. but he just sat there. and then i woke up. i swear these horrid dreams are keeping me awake. and they're always about austen. always. and the worst part is they've been coming true. i hope that one doesn't. i really fucking do.