no no no. no. it's all okay. because i'm not angry anymore. i'm not irate. people genuinely like me. and if they can like someone like me, they are not so bad. i can live here for a little longer. i really can. but god help me i miss you. i really really do. maybe we can be friends. but i've got too much pride to talk to you first. fuck. i'm fucking weak.

it gets so lonely here sometimes. and i hate everyone i know. what the fuck you guys. i fucking can't stand anyone. even the people who used to be my friends. annoying as fuck. FUCK. FUCKFUCKFUCK. i need to breathe. i need to go somewhere to breathe. somewhere with clean pure air and clean pure people. these sinners dabble in the worst offenses. selfish. blind. ignorant. i get so angry, it's all i can feel. every word these people say makes me cringe. like listening to feedback at the highest volume. just turn it off. just stop talking. and when i leave. i am telling everybody to go fuck themselves. this town has not a single redeeming individual. not one. FUCK.

people like me. it's true. and it's weird. i've gained a fucking fan base. but i'm a little cold. and it's keeping them fans and not friends. there is a difference... but i don't really know which is better. i'm stretching my ears. i've got them up to 10 gauge right now. i think i want to go to 00g. because let's face it. there's nothing more fashionable than a little rebellious self-mutilation. am i right? haha that's so fucking lame. but those parties... those parties proved it. i am officially worthy. of affection, of attention. of actually being seen and not just seen through. because they fucking loved me. and that felt good. i'm not even kidding. i was adored at those things. and it's still going strong. people still fucking love me. they're still making contact. how bizarre. but it's pretty welcome. i really don't mind it when people find me entertaining enough to keep around for a bit. i got fucking drunk by the way. and i couldn't stop smoking. and i couldn't stop being the fucking shit. i'm almost in a good place. almost almost there. fuck you rob. i could be happy right now. if you only had the balls to tell me the truth about why you dumped me. because let's be honest. the reasons you gave me were complete shit. i mean people fucking adore me, it's your loss. i do not want you back and i do not want to be your friend. i just really want to know what happened. the real reasons. and it's really too bad i've got too much pride to ask you.

it's so cold here. i don't know. maybe i'm just paranoid. but i really don't think i'm strong enough for this weather anymore. because i can feel my chest wheeze every time i breathe. i go numb. and i feel like my chest plate is broken in two and it's caving in, scraping against itself. sometimes my heart just starts beating so fast, i run out of breath. i need to gain weight. and give up the smokes. but i really don't want to. i haven't lost the connection with the dark yet. i still see it moving just out of sight. people think i'm making this up, but i can see them. the darkness, there are creatures here they're fucking HIDING here. and i don't know what they want, but they're here. and they're lurking. my music box that has not been touched in God knows how long, played tonight. a single note radiated through the air. it was creepy as fuck. but back to the cold. the toll it's taking on me is an incredible metaphor i only just now discovered. i forgot that the world fucks with me. but it teaches worthy lessons. they will build you up to bring you down. but sometimes. sometimes in the very best of instances... they will build you up to keep you up. and those are the moments in life you can never forget. not ever. but that's hard to remember when you've been tossed to the floor after swinging from the very highest of the chandeliers.

i can't believe i'm so happy right now. everything feels so good, so right, so perfect. it's like i'd forgotten i'm not really a person. i'm some other creature that isn't meant to be held onto. i can settle down for awhile, but then i have to leave. i need to make a break and leave. because for what felt like forever, i couldn't breathe. he left me. and i never believed people when they said it would hurt. but it did hurt. it hurt so bad i couldn't even deal with it. i needed to drug myself every day just to stop from crying. i was so fucking weak. i never cry, i never feel. but it hurt. and now i realize that's okay. i needed the catharsis. and now i'm over it. like it never happened. it's wierd. i think about him and i feel nothing anymore. and that's good. except i keep dreaming that he wants me back. but now i know that if that does come true, i have the power to protect myself. i mean, i would go back. but only if he proved that it was worth it. because i am not the type of person that somebody can break and then keep. it can't happen. it can never happen again. but yes. i feel good. i feel at peace now. because i'm starting to remember that i'm a coveted object. people still want me. and they're lining up for a shot and it makes me feel so much better. so i'm finally back to happy. and i really hope it stays that way. i see hope in these new prospects. that's for sure.

that was by far the best thing i've ever experienced. we're sid and nancy. fucking punks who can't get enough of eachother. but we were fucking FRONT row at the casualties. right at the stage. we were inches away from this band of heroes, speakers for the punks and underdogs of this world. they played punk rock love and we sang our hearts out. me and him. singing so close our mouths touched. and when we kissed i could feel the fucking bass and i could feel those other kids moshing and shoving behind us, and i felt us being shoved into the barrier between us and the stage. it was so raw. nothing can describe the greatness of that feeling. that fucking energy. and the band knew it was our song THEY FUCKING KNEW IT. they had to. they were watching us, smiling and encouraging us. robbie told me they were staring at us from the stage. seeing us make out and lose our little punkrock minds from being so into eachother. from feeding off eachother's love of this band, this show. the tall skinny punk kid with the spiked hair and the fragile little blond in the casualties tee shirt gawking at our idols. they were playing their love song. Punk Rock Love. and they looked and they saw me and robbie. and they knew we got it. we get it. we really do. i fucking love the casualties. their show was the greatest thing i've ever been to. especially since he was there with me. and i've never liked anybody this much. not even close. he's the best thing to happen to me. ever. haha i'm so giddy it's pathetic. but god help me i really like this kid :)

i'm so terrified to write what i really want. if i don't cover things up in metaphors, or exclude details and leave things vague... will what i have to say mean as much? i don't want to make the same mistakes twice. i don't want to show my weaknesses. i don't want you to see me at my stupidest moments. this is all so self-centered. a universe contained in writing. and i'm the sun. the provider. the creator. me me me. it's sickening, isn't it. but what i felt i can't deny. and this is my safest outlet. pour my wounds into black and white. filling space to construct something beautiful from vomit. i fucking hate the lies. they're lies of omission. but they're still lies. you're on a break. you should've told me. why don't you just tell me these things? please let me go. please please please. that's all i want. i just. i don't understand people. just tell the truth you fucking jerks. it's easy. i need a smoke. yes i've picked up the habit. but hey. i'm the bad guy. and that's what bad guys do. they go down in flames.

i got my apology. finally. i waited so long. and i made him do it. it feels so good. but that could just be the drugs. blood isn't the only thing pumping through my viens right now. i keep smelling cigarette smoke. and it's making me want to. i am so happy right now. and i feel so perfect. so perfect. please don't take this away from me. i know what i want for a tattoo. the word "lupanara". i think it's perfect. please listen to "let it happen" by jimmy eat world. i'm the evil one who said, "gonna let everything just happen." dude i am so on top of the world. if i just sit tight, what i want comes to me. and what i don't want leaves. it's like i'm magic.

i don't know. i just really enjoy wearing my sunglasses inside. and they are so scene. silver leopard print, with hot pink inside the frame. i am proud. hence my bragging. so silly. so i'm abandoning everyone i know at the end of the week. i'm happy too. i don't really think they understand the things i understand. plus with my extended absence homecoming is always so nice. it adds to my novelty. (because i'm a product without a vendor.) and as dan remarked, i am a "connoisseur of wierd things." so here. have a wierd thing that i love. i don't really know where i'm going with that... when i'm fucked up on adderall, it's like i can't stop smiling. i'm so euphoric right now. baby, the songs in my head turn into something so intense i can't stop myself from feeling. i feel every bit. and a bonus is now i understand verb tenses. that means i'm going to pass my french final tomorrow. high five to myself. i don't even care that i can't see, i'm still going to wear my sunglasses. fuck you. i run this place.

it's thundering right now. i'm pretty sure that the clouds are hungry. and that thunder is just their tummies growling. because they're starving up there. and no one will feed them. hence their rainy tears. awww. i've been a fan of my life lately. i feel like it's all falling into place. i'm comfortable in my skin. me and danielle are becoming what is known as "scene". a change of identity is always healthy, i believe. i think my subconscious is angry at me. or trying to make a point. i can't decide which. because i should have died last week. i was in a horrible car accident. and i was virtually unharmed. minus the bruising on my legs. i was hit head on. my tiny little baby of a car was impaled by an oncoming SUV. and i am fine. i looked before i turned. i know i did. i saw no SUV. there was no oncoming traffic. but secretly. i believe i did see the SUV. i think i wanted the crash. i've been fantasizing about getting impaled, mangled, crushed ever since i first got my license. how easy would it be to wrap my car around another and just let go. too easy. terribly and horribly easy. that's insane. i'm dumb. i was in a car accident. i feel very enlightened. i'm rising above people around me. transcending. Watchout! There's Ghosts is my new favorite band. and Invisible Monsters is my new favorite book. and i suggest them both to anybody. everybody. i think you would like them.