i put so much into us. would it kill you to reciprocate once in awhile? fake it. humor me. why do i continue? why do i bother? feeling let down and deflated today. 

best year to be a senior. 6 snow days, none of which i have to make up. 

just want to say i super appreciate everyone who comments and messeges me, its really nice to feel support even from an unknown community.

I have to admit  you see a very stilted version of myself. You see the heartaches, the depression, the despair. But that is not my every day life. Writing in this journal helps me to cope with all the feelings i otherwise cannot handle. most of the time it is the negative feelings that threaten to overwhelm me, to drown me, thus i write. however, i tend to not write when i am actually living life. pockets of time go by without entry because i'm too busy enjoying positive emotions. It's sad but the reality is sadness is just a better inspiration than happiness. 

somehow you keep giving me reasons to cry. god how disgusting that the cliche is true. you really do hurt the ones you "love". i was so excited to see you tonight. but i guess im just still not a priority to you. jordans just toooooo important not to hang out with and get fucked up with. ironic that he was my first boyfriend and now hes basically your boyfriend. i just wanted to see you so badly. i thought id be crying tonight but i thought i was going to cry just from being so happy to see you not crying because you called to say you wanted to just see me tomorrow. this completely negates your apology today. you say you have been treating me like shit and that i deserve better and that youre sorry and its going to change because youll be home for a bit and when you go back to college youll get managemant of school and that it will be okay but then you come home and the first thing you do is blow me off. you know actions speak ten folds louder than words. and you call and say how sorry you are and how much you think you fucked up and how its all excuses and youll come over now and youll pick me up and drive me to work at 7 am and pick me up at 4 and will make up for all of this. you let me down thats what makes me so sad. that you made a promise, rose my hopes, and then with the situation in your complete control you broke the promise and crushed me. and you say how much you love me and need me to know how much you love me and how if you didnt love me we wouldnt be doing this long distance relationship blahblahblah maybe you love me because you can walk the fuck all over me. just another night spent with puffy eyes. i'll probably cry in my sleep. and now i just dont even want to see you. youve just tainted yourself i just wanna be mad at you and i hate that ill forgive you because then youll just do it again but if i dont then im punishing myself so much. i dont even get why i keep doing this. i dont even get why i still love you. youre an asshole like a lot ! but then youre nice so much too i guess. lsadjafl kdsjf aiewojr ;afsdfa;sfj

is history about to repeat itself? the true test is coming. we've never made it through a summer and that time is fast approaching. and suddenly youre MIA, never texting, never calling. i understand how stressed and busy you are is college i get that youre having fun and experiencing it. but if you want to be with me you need to show me because i cant wait around for forever. i cant continue loving someone better than they love me. i cant continue to compromise who i am and what i need. its sad though because i can say all that i want but we both know i'll wait. the need to belong to someone is greater than self esteem and self actualization. < Thanks Maslow. 

my self dilution is so impressive.