i'm supposed to be happy but i'm wishing he'd take a knife and twist it between my shoulder blades.

damn i realized im the problem. im the one leading him on, stringing him along, getting together then breaking up, being hot and cold, sending the mixed signals. all he is doing is accepting it, dealing with my shit, being mature, giving me all his loyalty, all his love. i had no right to get mad. he asked permission to go to my prom with her i was the one that said yes. i cant get mad at him for that. i was insanely jealous but i ruined my own prom. i have a mouth, i should have gone over and asked him to dance instead of wishing silently for him to do it. i should have been proactive. it was my fault. i was wrong.

its all bullshit and lies. why could you so easily go to prom with her and yet last year i had to begggg for you to take me. or why could you do all of after prom with her and not me. and how come you refused to go to senior prom unless you went with me and yet going to junior prom with someone else going to MY prom with someone else was not a big deal. and the way you danced with her. i barely danced with my date in the way i usually do bc it wasnt you. and you might as well have been having sex with her on that dance floor. and then later to say you knew how i felt except you couldnt. clearly you cant love me if you could bring yourself to dance with someone else like that in front of me after saying how much you miss me and love me. its just all lies isnt it. one lie after another and i stupidly believed them all and put myself a year behind in my recovery of you. spending an entire day crying again. im an idiot. fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. shame me to hell.

and nothing has changed. its a year later essentially and i still love him and he "still loves me". but i refuse to date him. but i want to so badly. but there are two different people inside him and i only love one and its so hard. and i respect myself too much. but i feel so awful because we hang out and act very coupley all the time but its so hard to get away from that especially when we both like it. but as soon as he tries to get in a relationship i just shut down. i don't want to belong to someone again especially him - he doesn't deserve me.