its always darkest before the dawn. well how much darker can this get ? i need that morning baby, im suffocating in the dark.

and yet i'm still barely holding on. just when i take a step forward i take two steps back. i want your hold on me to vanish. in glee they talked about that chord that connects you to someone and then finn broke up with quin because he felt it with rachel. well i feel that chord with ryan even when we arent together. he broke up with me and i still feel that i want to go to him to make me feel better.

more than ever i wish right now my life were a book. i need so badly to read this ending. i need to know life goes on and i feel better. my heart aches like its never ached before. i thought this was it. but i cant stop this crying. i wish i could stop this breathing.

i feel so sick. i am so sick. without you im deteriorating.

he said we need to talk. end of the day. still at school. he says i love you bianca but im ready to move on.i cried. then i stopped breathing. i hyperventilated for a good twenty minutes and he just stood there like the idiot he is. ally came and kissed me on the cheek best moment in my life. then he was like lets go outside. and again he stood there and watched me hyperventilate. so awk. i was so mad. i wish i had been stronger. its embarrassing. im dumped again. id been thinking of doing the same for awhile tho. and now i try and cry and theres no tears. i called my sister and she made me feel better. i got henna. we'll still be friends. its really his loss. the worst part is how all the ppl who hate me will be psyched he dumped me and that i failed in another relationship. even though he said i didnt do anything wrong. but im really okay now. plenty of other cute boys to smile at. i regret the sex now. at least i dont have to pretend to like the jewelry any more.

sitting in school. school is lame. its been raining all week. i have a serious case of the rainy day blues but its been all week so its really just being depressed. he doesnt seem to get that im not alright or else he doesnt care. i cant focus. or maybe i dont want to. but ive sat in classes all day just staring. ive been eating a lot. sometimes i wonder if im eating for two. its impossible but its possible. im always scared of it he doesnt care. i wish i had something interesting. but its rambles of nothing. when its all written down it seems silly, foolish, childish. im embarrassed by it. its chalked up to a whole lot of nothing but it feels like everything.

yes we're talking prom here. may 14th 2011. junior prom with my boyy. such a whirlwind of a day. it went by so fast. i looked gorgeous of courseee. and he was adorable. all black tux with just a cream tie and vest to match me. we were just adorable. spent the morning getting ready. nails done with my bestie al. and then hair done. i had a cool pomp in the front and a falling side updo bun thing. it was great. my dress is hanging on my closet door and i am just staring at it wish i could go back. we went for pictures at his house and my grandparents house and finally his friends house then a limo ride to prom. we got there sat down mingled took pictures ate food that was just food. and yet it all felt so surreal and special. we danced so much. obvious grinding because we're teenagers but then we just did silly dancing together and we looked cute and silly and our friends were all youre such dorks and it was just such cute couple moments. they played a sufficient amount of slow songs but they were kind of sad slow songs. as well sometimes he didnt pay attention to me while we slowed dance which just annoyed me sooo much. but i let it go. i was determined not to let anything ruin our night. i didnt get my perfect prom moment that i had all planned out with me walking down the stairs and him seeing me but i did have a different one which i think is better because i didnt plan it. he was sitting in a chair and i was just standing next to him we were somewhat chatting with friends but then all the sudden he turns me around and sits me down on his lap and then dips me backwards and just kisses me. it was such a kodak moment. it was sooooo perfect and cute and i just had the biggest smile on my face and its definitely a moment i will never forget. i dont think he realized how much that meant to me but it really was everything. then all the sudden it was over. it went by so fast. and it feels like a blur. i feel like i cant remember it and idk why and it bothers me. then we were in the limo and we were really bad. we were laying down and he rolled me on the floor and then was kissing which was cute and should have stopped there. after ten minutes it seemed like our friends feel asleep so we decided to do something we should have. but then later we found out they totally new what was going on. oh well. at least i can check sex in a limo off the list... then we were at after prom. it started out fine. just hanging around. but then he walked passed a family friend who was chaperoning and she pulled him aside and said i know youre acting weird and are under the influence. but he really was not. but she wouldnt believe him. so then he got really upset and we left super early at 1 30 instead of 5 30. and upset is like pissed like a rage. i felt awful for him and she ruined everything. but we are both over that and now just remember the good parts.

it changes you. no matter how you fight it, soon or later, it changes you.

im so confused lately. he seems so indifferent towards me sometimes and others so all over me. i dont get it. i went to my first ever party on saturday night. omg ahmazing. was at abbeys. only a max of 20 people were there. ryan was with me. we chilled in her basement. we smoked and drank. a few guys jammed. and i just enjoyed myself completely. so this kid walks in and he is introducing himself when he gets to me i go "i know who you are! you butt dial me all the time!" and he was liek "oh shit youre the girl !! sorry that wasnt my phone with those numbers." and then i just stared at him all night because hes pretty much super cute. then i was upstairs and just laughing allllll night sooooo hard. he goes ryan is she okay ? ryans was like yeah she does this all the time. then he comes over to me and he is shirtless and he gets wicked close to me standing from behind and makes noises in my ear only to make me laugh harder. i freaking loved it. he seemed to look at me all night. but then later we were alone in the kitchen and he was all why are you lauhing to so much at me and i was like so you lived/live on adin dr ? he goes yep still do. i go well my cousin and aunt lived there and we used to play together. and he was all oh shit i knew you looked familiar. and then i didnt know what else to say so i just sped outta the room. and then later abs passed out. me and ryan slept on the floor together. then it was all over. it was over so fast but it was such a good time. i wanna do it again wicked soon. im so excited to get my license in two weeks