it makes me sad to read these journals and realize ive written about the most worthless guys and in the last six months have not written about the most perfect guy thoroughly. ive been dating him for six months and its been so perfect. of course there have been some bumps which ive written about but they have not nearly been the whole relationship. i want to be able to read about how ahmazing he was and for people who read these to realize i have the most perfect boyfriend. and i hate that i can remember my first meeting/kiss with other guys from this journal but not the one most important one. i barely remember what i wore or he wore on our first date. the first date was at his house. we had been texting for awhile but had to wait till he got back from PA. we were flirting but we figured we'd just be friends. we watched the candy man. haha and then we listened to music and switched ipods. i remember i wore my orange shorts and green brand new t shirt to impress him to show i liked music. i had my yellow bag and my highlighter flip flops and curly light brown hair. i was tan. i cant remember what he wore. we cuddled i remember that. i was soooooo nervous when i went to his house. he looked nervous too. pretty sure i was the first girl he ever had oveer. he was really sweet. when i left his house we texted. his dad said to him so youre dating her. and he was all no im not and his dad was like yeah sure. and then the next time i saw him was at our friends surprise party and we sat next to each other. she didnt want us dating. then we went to my house the next day. we kissed that day. i dont remember what he or i wore or what we watched. or whatever else we did. but he shut me down like 7 times and i got exasperated. finally we kissed though. it was his first kiss. then we were at my house again and we smoked me for the first time. then the next time my house again and we got left alone with my sister because my grandfather but his tongue. we smoked again. and then we started dating. we smoked at my house and almost got caught. so we dont smoke at my house anymore. one night we were in the basement listening to Eisley and we fell asleep. we went to home coming together. he bought me a birthday present. we broke up and got back together. we had sex for the first time in december. it was at his house. in the playroom on the couch. it was good. we said i love you. he came to christmas. we spent new years together and got drunk and high. we went to the city together for the weekend. and slept together in his arms. i was in heaven. then it was valentines day he did dinner and i did diessert we got left alone. we showered together it was a lot of fun and really intimate. we've had sex in my bed and in his bed. and now its march. we're in love. and we had plans for the spring and summer. i love him more than anything. he loves me too. its a wonderful time.

my stomach is in knots. i wish he would text me to let me know everything is alright. this is killling me i might throw up. doesnt he get how nervous i am ? everything must be fine though because his friend went on fb so that means nothing could have happened the police dont let you go on fb if youre arrested. i just wish he could he remember to text me. but now its three am and i need to go back to sleep but i cant because im all pysched up and nervous about him. oh love how it takes its toll. i love him and so i worry.

so theres this girl. i ended up in a relationship with this guy she liked and was dating at the same time i was but he chose me. so the entire time we're together she goes on about how im a slut bitch whore ect and we are not a good match. it turns out this boy and i were not a good match. they had hung out one time while we were dating because i trusted him though i did not trust her at all. but so then after we break up they start dating. she should drop the whole thing because she got what she wanted in the end but no. my new boyfriend whom im completely in love with she has to talk to and be all the sudden best friends with. she shits on me in front of him and tells him shit about me and how she hates me. welll okay you fucking bitch so obviously i hate her. so the other day she drives my boyfriend to my house because she and he and another friend had been hanging out but he wanted to come see me. well she comes in because she wants to talk to me. im like fucking a but fine. so she comes in and its super awkward we just stand there. finally so goes "so there is obviously tension between us" (no shit you fucking talk shit on facebook about me so i can see it) "and i just wanted to apologize for whatever i may have did" (and yes she used the wrong fucking grammer like an fucker) "but i have a lot of things going on in my life right now and i wanna be at peace with everyone" okay cool so that was super fucking back handed. you act like you dont know what you did when its super obvious. so all i say is oh well thansk and then shes all "and well i really like your house. its cool joe said it was cool" okay cool now get the fuck out. so then she leaves and im super fucking pissed. and so then my boyfriend is all see isnt that nice. but maybe you should have apologized. what the fuck what was i supposed to apologize for having completely nothing to do with her and then her attacking me. its not my fault he chose me but fuck it we broke up and she got him THEN CHEATED ON HIM LIKE THE SKANK SHE IS! like hello ?! but now she wants to hang out and be all buddy buddy with me um no ? i dont work like that you obviously are sooooo fake and i dont want fake friends. plus i hate your voice. i hate that rys friends with her shes god awful. just so so so so so awful. i feel like every girl likes ryan and i hate him being around girls. i know he would never cheat on me but i feel like the girls will try to do something to do him and he wont react fast enough and something would happen. i love him so much. so so so much. i love his smell, taste, face, back, hands, arms, legs, feet, smile, glasses, ears, hair just i could keep going but its a tad silly. but i feel jealous of when other girls get to see him and i cant. i just wanna spend every minute waking and sleeping with him. i wanna live with him.

fuck parties. what is the fucking point of them ? theyre stupid and dangerous. i just needed you tonight. because everything has gone to shit and i need you with me. i feel like shit. i just want you to hold me tight and say everything will be okay. because really today when you were doing that everything felt so fine and i was happy. and then i came home without you. its too early to sleep but i want to. i just cant sleep. and i wanna talk to you and i miss you. i should have went but there would have been no fucking point. but im so nervous for you. i want this to all be over and for it to be next weekend.