the day was february 20, 2010 just two days after nick broke my heart. i went bowling with three of my best friends. we were sitting at a high table by the pool tables people watching not giving a damn what people thought of us shouting random shit and laughing at everything and nothing. it was ahmazing. and then he walked in. and i look across the room and point to him and say oh wow hes cute. and my friend agreed while the other goes omfg i know him ! thats joe im friends with and so i start dying and hes all ill go talk to him for you and im like no way and after about a half hour of that he finally goes over and talks to joe. comes back cracking up saying joe said me and my friend looked like a man. welll i was completely offended. i went home that night and was sitting on facebook when i got a request from this joe. i accepted and he chatted me. i immediately brought up the fact that he said i looked like a man and he denied it in seconds. we talked awhile longer then i got his number because he was getting off and i asked for permission to text him. he thought it was the funniest thing ever and said yes. and from then on we were talking and two weeks later i was just dropped the so youre taking me to semi and he was like uhhh what sure and from then we hung out went to semi together and became a thing and then we hit some bumps because of me because i was scared and then i got over that and we were good and then a couple and then he broke my heart. oh how cycling love is. i know this is soooo lamely written but i needed to write it down i never want to forget it not that i think i ever could. its a story that if he (not that i actually think this would happen) and i got married would be perfect for telling our kids and grandkids. its such a cute story. except that he broke my heart in the end.

so im finally sitting down to write what happened and get this out. i havent been able to because every time i sit down and think about it i start crying my eyes out but not anymore. the pain is still there but the tears arent ive cried them all away. the perfect guy whom i did think would be around a good long time and he was five months which is the longest anything ive been involved in but i want more. everything was fine like any relationship there were some bumps but we were fine. he was dealing with neurotic psycho personality and i his very much opposite calm self he was to be cliche the ying to my yang i guess. it was a lot of fun and i thought it was fine and then he started to get distant blowing me off and such and then he came out with he didnt know what he was feeling that he felt indifferent and it killed me. and then he went on to say he wasnt happy after i had poured my heart out about him being so important to me and me willing to go anything to make it work but i couldnt go on after he said he wasnt happy so we broke up. at first it was a break then it was a real break up. but i was so confused and he asked if he could see me to explain things when we were both back in town. (he was in florida and when he returned i would be at camp) and i was okay with this but i need an explanation now bc i am so confused some days it feels like we are still the same couple yet others feel like i dont even know who we used to be. i just want to know what happened to us and to him and what i did to ruin it. i ruin everything all the time. i cant be with anyone without fucking it up clearly. and every day i just think about him and at first the sobs racked my chest so heavily i would stop breathing like i did when i was a little girl but i dont have the stamina to make myself pass out like i used to but oh how i wish i did. the blissful moments of death is what that would be. but slowly as the days pass im able to breath a little lighter and only a few drops of tears can be squeezed out when i think of him. my dreams are still filled with him and thats no good. and to top it off school will be starting soon. to enter that prison again makes me feel suffocated. all the people i avoid in the summer will be pushed right back in my face. im not sure i can handle that. school is a scary place for me again. i thought i would have the protection of him knowing he was just a text away and we could leave for a walk and i could calm down and be happy but that cant happen anymore thinking about it makes the lump rise in my throat. i miss him with every inch of my body but this is different this is real bc even being friends with him would be enough but it seems he doesnt even want that. i just want my life explained to me. i like to read the end of books at the beginning so i know what to expect it makes the bad thing seem less bad so when i get to it i cry less or the suspense is less and my heart rate is less. i wish life were like that. i wish i could know the outcome. maybe in some very distant future life is like that. is that better i wonder or would i be just as disappointed, sad, mad, and happy as the moments come if i already know theyre coming ? this writing feels ahmazing and im not going to space things out bc theyre all tumbled in my head so they will be on this page too. when i talk to other boys it doesnt feel right. id rather him be gay (there was always a question from everyone on this point including sometimes myself) than not like me. also my dad still hasnt found a job. interviews of course but they never pick him. hes had another seizure. was in the hospital a few days. bad sodium and stress but they keep testing him bc they believe there is something else. i just wish for him and for the dynamic of our household that he could get a job. everything would be easier and he happier and in turn me happier to see him happier. it was his birthday today 56. it was weird my sister not being here. i dont think shed ever missed before but i could be wrong. i miss her she comes back when i am away but i see her next thursday and we leave for a small vacation together. she had been in italy studyy italian (shocker). im jealous of course. i always am of her. sometimes i feel depressed like truly depressed. even when i was with him there would be periods of true distress and sadness. i hate those feelings. like i cant control whats happening and my life isnt mine anymore. thats when i want to just take control again but idk how. i cant believe someone could read all this. i hope i never do again. when i read old entries i get kind of sad. just like when i look in my old journal of all the sad depressive scary things i used to feel and write. its a weird life im living and i just dont think i wanna continue most of the time. its funny you people who read this get a very skewed picture of me. i only usually write when im really sad which sometimes is a lot sometimes never. but you never see me happy or know what makes me happy and i never write the happy things down for future happy times. i guess because my happiness usually depends on other ppl and those ppl usually walk out on me. i wish i knew how to be happy on my own. well im going to strive to write down my happy events. tomorrow im hanging out with my best friend i will try and write an entry about that.

i hate living.