ahhh shit. seriously 18 fucking days left and its like theyre trying to cram 1180000000000 days worth of learning into it. like no fuck that its over jut let us slack and end this fucking year. im so sick of this shit. im so stressed its ridiculous my stomach is permanently in knots over it and i have the feeling like i wanna puke alll the time now. all the work is just piling on top of each other and it feels like as soon as i finish one things theres another thing to replace it so nothing ever gets done. i feel unproductive and like i do so much work yet nothing gets done at all. i wish i could just stop and relax but i cant so im always on edge im always wired and im always tired. my nerves are shot to hell. i snap at the tiniest thing. i feel bad because i know im hurting the people around me but i cant stand it i need this to end and it wont end. i know this is my ridiculous perfectionism type a personality coming through and it sucks. im dying here and i know next year im just going to drown. and this boy needs to stop trying to impress/ flirt with me because its not working i dont like i never will like him so get over it. i have enough to deal with right now. and its so hard because im an awful person sending stupid mixed signals and i know i have no intention of ever going through with it. i wanna eat all the time too and i think im gaining weight from it. ugh kill me now.

i ain't been sleeping through the nights.

its the perpetual feeling of loneliness, sorrow, grief.

and just when i think im out i get sucked back in. what am i doing ?

i wish i had proof that ive moved on like i was actually dating someone a string of random hook ups does not count for anything. hes like starting so much with other girls but i dont know i just dont feel like being attached to someone im enjoying being single. i wish ed would take me out finally tho and date me and make it an fb official relationship just so i can prove to him hes nothing to me and i guess prove it to myself too. also i wish my dad would go get counseling he needs to learn how to not be a douche bag and get in touch with his feelings so that when hes depressed he can be productive and not be a bitch to everyone who talks to him. yeah cool youre an asshole we get it by now just fuck off then.

im being an uber bitch to the one guy whos actually respected me this year. of course i gave him up because he was just too good for me and i was too broken and he couldnt be the nick i wanted. now that ive given him up and hes finally gotten over me and started to maybe start something with another girl im being the territorial bitch ive always been. im so double standards i like to have as many guys as i want but expect him to only want one girl: me. so hes starting this thing with this girl and i should be so happy for him but im not im just jealous and upset and playing the victim card. hes telling me such funny stuff right now and all my responses evoke no emotion from me and im acting like i dont give a shit because well at this moment in time i feel like i dont. i dont care about him about me about school about anything really. im turning off inside and its scary. i always wanna go talk to someone about all this but im to embarrassed to. im just sitting listening to music and choosing sadness. sometimes i truly believe that being sad is so much easy than being happy and im content with being sad almost like being sad makes me happy. god im a freak. and i should mention me and him we are great friends. and i have no right to be upset or mad at him for hanging out with this new girl its just such a downgrade compared to me and everyone knows it shes not half as pretty half as smart but shes 2 times more conceded than me. and i know that all sounds pretty conceded for me to say but its true and everyone thinks it not just me and theyre not just saying it to make me happy nope its the truth. i didnt see nick today and it was great. if i could be friends with him i wouldnt like him anymore but that wont ever happen so i need to not see him and then i will be okay i guess. maybe if he just fell off the face of the earth then it would be cool. and what a fucking dumbass he tries to start something and hook up with my best friend UM HELLO MY BEST FRIEND. shes not stupid obviously she wouldnt do that bc she knows our relationship and how hes an asshole and that i still like but i did tell her i would support her if she wanted to try to date him but shes adamant about not starting something with him thank god. but he sees us together all the time we are in each others fb status' why would he think he stood a chance ?! as well as the senior who i ended up hooking up with is dating this chick. so i told him i was like you so like her just tell me idc blah blah blah and he denied it got mad at me for assuming that and freaked out but i was right. so how was i wrong to say that when it was the truth we were friends why couldnt he just be honest with me ? he just helps to prove that all men really are dogs. lighter note TM smiled at me loads of times today made eye contact with me from across the cafeteria and it was wicked talkative with me on the bus. not that id ever go for him. hopefully i can go out on my first real actual date with this kid this weekend we've been trying to get together for the last like two months and keep having conflicting schedules hes really sweet tho im excited for that. really though this writing just helped so much i feel clear and like i can breath again but this euphoria will only last for the rest of the night ill wake up tomorrow in a dismal mood again to trudge through another dull day. 01029 here i come....

its like your picture is painted on the inside of my eyelids. i cannot take it yet i close my eyes frequently just so i can see you. i want to see you all the time. every day all day. do you even remember what i look like ? you see through me theres no doubt about that. i make no impression on you anymore. i don't know why i like you it can only be because i can't have you. i always feel your eyes i always see your eyes looking in mine looking at me baby make up your mind do you want me then come get me if you dont then dont look at me ever again. please. stop. please. stop. please. stop. please. stop. please. stop. please. stop. please. stop. please. stop. please. stop. please. stop. please. stop. please. stop. please. stop. please. stop. please. stop. please just stop...

i dreamed of you again last night. i wish these dreams would stop. theyre making me want you and believe in false hopes. sometimes their lucid dreams and when i wake up im quite confused if they were real or not. when you look me in the eyes its disgraceful you have no right to do so. but im stronger and my will power is trumping my weakness for you. though i enjoy those dreams of us as much as they truly torture me. its false hope i get from them and its dumb. i keep hoping youll turn up on my doorstep one day...