i just wanna let you know: i love you.

i was so stupid for this. why did i do this to myself ?

so when i talked to him he seemed fine. he understood that we were looking for different relationships him for serious and committed and long term me more fun and physical and just about having a good time. im not into being the center of someones world like i was yours. i dont like having the power to change the person im dating like you did for me which is something about nick thats great he doesnt change for anyone but himself. i guess i enjoy being treated like shit too. but when i see him i fall for him over and over again. when i see you i just feel like oh theres my best friend and its different. he makes me feel different than you and i like it more. when im with him i cant pull away and he stares back and does cute things while you just ask why im looking. the connection with him is much better. but before you were okay but now youre fighting for me which makes me want to go with you but im still so pulled to him. youre making changes to try and get me back and giving me chances to come back and it pains me not to take them. i dont know how to tell you that i want him with out hurting you completely. i know im already hurting you and that hurts me and i still like you and i want you i wish i could blend the two of you together then id have the perfect guy. but he means more to me right now. even if i dont to him i like that. idk im just a mess over this. lighter note i saw him today at the end of the day and he made eye contact with me first and he held it for a really long time and then followed me out with his eyes and it was awesome and he smiled and i like him. it was a perfect moment to me. i just wish i could have stood there and stared at you forever. and i think youd like that too. and you asked me to hang out and made sure i wasnt in the middle of something and said maybe we could be in the middle of something and i just cant wait and i hope it happens. i almost died right there i was so life complete at that moment. well hopefully tomorrow goes just as well.

maybe everything will be okay because maybe youve come back to me. maybe it will work this time because you have cleared your shit up. youre everything i want and need and we work perfect together so im happy about being back in your life. i know i need to clear away the other guy but it will be easy enough. i know im going to hurt this boy though and it hurts me but hes just so much a friend than a lover and i need a lover. so i feel like a bad person but in the end he and i will be happier. i know it.

it makes me sad when i kiss him and say your name over and over again in my head and hope when i open my eyes its you. of course it never is and im disappointed every time. i like you even though you dyed your hair blonde and look like a fool. its real love boy why cant you open your eyes and see me sitting here waiting for you?

i hate being trapped in this house. i wish i had a car. id drive away.