okay so i know i should be so considerate but im just so fed up with it. so my dads been depressed because he doesnt have and cant find a job and its been a little over a year now. regardless of this i still get so frustrated with that fact that he can get so mean. i dont understand why he has to be like this all the time. guiltily i sometimes hate being with him because i cant stand the way he acts. its awful to say but my mom has always been my favorite parent and this is just making me feel that even more. my dad can be so sarcastic and its where i get it from but it can actually hurt a lot when he makes comments about my eating habits and other such things. he just says things that get on my nerves so much a lot of the time. and he is so short tempered and its annoying. everything has been strained in our house for the last year due to him not having a job and us having money troubles. sending one child to college and the other in high school the expenses are really high and my mom only has a temp job right now so when thats over she wont have a job either. we're making on okay but its definitely not what it used to be and now everything my dad talks about is related to money or people who have money and its just getting to me and being so annoying. im just pretty much sick of everything in my life and i wish i didnt have to be home anymore. i wish there was somewhere to escape to but not that hes definitely gone theres no chance of that. so moving into that subject he told me he still likes me but needs more time so then the other night i told him that he should talk to me when hes figured it out but that im talking to other guys and i dont know where i will be at he was upset and went onto tell me i was cute truth is i know exactly where i will be when hes ready ill be willing to jump right into his arms but i really dont expect him to come back. sad thing is i told him id been fucked with and that i had trouble with trusting guys and then he goes on to just prove exactly that. i wish it hadnt happened i wish he had just stuck by me. and now ive somewhat met a new guy. this new guy is a senior can drive is nice funny in play reads listens to good music is nice but short and porky but i actually have conversations with him and we get along well but he doesnt make my blood boil like the old guy does. i actually made a list of pros and cons for each and theyre basically equal in both fuck. theres no clear winner for who i should really be with and that sucks. as well as another guy also is interested in me it seems but i dont know about him either. i definitely like the old one and the senior better. hard part is that the senior is a senior since he will be leaving and he is older only by 2 yrs but still its a little weird. im just so confused as to how to handle my life. all this shit happens at once and i miss the old guy but then at the same time im like wait no i dont i guess i miss his body more than anything since he was 6 ft and thick and had a lip ring all that was just better than the new guy whos nothing like that. but i dont think hes ever coming back no matter what happens its just over and he knows it but hes not telling me that i wish he would just make up his mind before im in too deep with this senior. because im falling for this senior a little bit its nice that i can actually talk to him and its not all about sex all the time like it was with the old guy. funny side story my sister was all its really weird you left fb posts about having sex and giving blowjobs on your friends wall...im pretty dumb considering i never thought about all that. anyways though theyre both decent guys and i wanna give both a chance but i guess thats considered wrong so i have to choose and i hate choosing i just want both for the different reasons the old guy to please me sexually and physically and the new guy to please me mentally and emotionally. i really dont know what i should do anyone have any suggestions ?

and now the missing you is finally starting to kick in.

im so confused. why am i not sadder and more depressed about this? i still really like you yet im okay ? that does not make any sense what so ever ! i almost wish i was more sad but its good that im not. i still like talking about you tho.

got a new group and theyre ahmazing and i had such an awesome night yelling and i have no voice. i might smoke with my sister tomorrow isnt that weird. and im already moving on from him and it feels great. this is no big deal anymore. i just gotta get my shit together.

i'll just slip back into my manic depressive self again the reprieve was so short this time.

i knew something was wrong. you were with me but you didnt like me. and im crying and its stupid because i fell fucking hard again and i just do this all the fucking time when the fuck will i learn ? probably never. does anyone learn ? i feel like the pain of love ending is that feeling like giving birth that our brain and body just forgets so that we can love again and have another kid (THOUGH IM SO GETTING THE DAMN MEDS). im crying till there arent tears left. it was too short to be so hurt but none the less i feel like every part of me is just ripping out and torn to pieces. oh my god that fucking thundercunt will be so happy that this happened and she'll do the whole told you so told you so shit and im so not looking forward to it. everyone who told me he was like this is gunna be all told you so. so not what do i do ? do i send a mass text to everyone to let them know the status ? or do i have to wait till people ask me about it so i burst in to dry heaves when i try to talk about it because thats gunna happen because i mean theres just no tears to cry. its just the empty feeling i now have that i hate. like i hate even more that having a boyfriend fulfills me but its true i feel so alone and im embarrassed about that. god i guess i expected this though. it was stupid to think that i was good enough for you or that i made you happy when it was so clear i didnt. and thank god for my sister because she does makes me feel better all the time. so now its not that bad its a dull ache but wow fuck still because im already so unhappy and that sucks. and i feel like a complete idiot because i actually thought this would last what the fuck is wrong with me. clearly everything. but really this isnt because of me its because you still love her and maybe if you just be with me for a lot longer ill come to replace her but i doubt it but hell ill try. and well i just hope youll still hang out with me and let me lay on your chest just because itll make me happy. i wonder where i go from here.

was it a mistake ? maybe im better off with out you ? maybe this is more trouble than its worth ? ill hang in there tho if you do too. just wish i was a little more important.

youre with me but do you like me ?

do you understand me so well to know that you know if you ignore me then ill just fall more in love with you ? or do you really not care about me ? i wish i knew and understood you just as much as you apparently understand me. i also wish that you just showed me a little bit more love than you do though it makes me so happy that you kiss me in school even though you hate public displays of affection but then you say youd do it for me because you like me that much and its really sweet of you. and youre just all i think about which is bad but thats okay soon i wont be that obsessed and i just cant wait till we've been together for such a long time and ill be so much more happier than i already am. i just miss you right now tho.

it breaks me that you can go a day without talking to me and be fine.