i crave one thing in my life and that is the feeling of the mixture of being wanted and needed. sitting here in bed alone again like always and i pine for you. all i want is for one guy to go just a little out of his way to show that he really wants me and needs me but that will never happen. he texts and he emails but that is it theres no real effort and then he starts blaming me for the failed friendship but he clearly doesnt understand or listen to me or need or want me. i tell him repeatedly that all i want is for him to show me im so important after telling him he is so important to me but he doesnt do it. i see him every day i walk behind him from class to class everyday and we make eye contact but if he truely cared he would turn around and come right up to me and talk to me, force me to look him in the eye and directly talk to him and make sure there was no pretending i didnt see or hear him i cant ignore him if hes right in my face and if he cared then he would realize that but he doesnt care he only wants to be my friend when it is convienant for him but thats not how it works and text after text and email after email will be ignored until he makes the attempt in person all he had to do to get me back was pay attention to me but he never does thus he is ignored right back. and if youre going to say merry christmas to someone you know is ignoring you at least say it on the right date not the next day how much can you care if you dont even take the time to do that AND how stupid do you look not even knowing its the wrong day. i give up on guy after guy because they are never interesteed in me but this and they really arent wont text me unless i texxt them first if they even text me back which usually never happens and im just so done being treated like dirt fuck it fuck them fuck me who gives a fucking shit. i cant call you i cant text you i cant see you i cant fall for you i cant love you because you wont call back you wont text back you wont see me you wont catch me you wont love me back though i am to blame for all of this. to quote utterly famous Cheap Trick.... I want you to want me I need you to need me I'd love you to love me I'm beggin' you to beg me....

well its december and things arent looking any brighter. high school is no big shakes. i had all these great expectations that are just completely unattainable though they shouldnt be. it shouldnt be this hard to make new friends or meet a guy. of course ive made like 4 new friends and of course ive made new acquaintances to speak to but this is not nearly what i expected or was looking forward to. and yeah ive met guys but theyre entertained for about five minutes and then have already moved on. what the fuck ? ive been sending all the right signals and ive completely stopped being so nymphomaniacish towards them so what the hell is wrong. im a nice attractive smart witty girl everything that should be wanted yet no guy will stick around. theyre more interested in spreading that theyve hooked up with me when HELLO WE NEVER EVEN HUNG OUT YOU JACKASS. seriously are you kidding me you think i wouldnt find out you told people that when we totally did not. and then theres this whole perception that i should be at beck and call. but hello news flash im not a fucking dog. listen you want to be friends with me then goddamn it act like it. heres the thing real friends when they see each other they say hello, outside of school they text each other just to see how everything is and they always respond at some point or another. as well as they dont stand up friends for weeks on end. im not some toy you can pick up and put down whenever you feel like. you cant expect that when its good for you that ill be around no you have to be there when i need you and i will reciprocate and be there for you when you need me. its not a friendship if its whenever its convenient for you to be friends with me. really though what i cant stand is that high school was sooo easy for my sister and its the biggest challenge for me. freaking two months into freshman year she had a fucking junior boyfriend and i cant even get a freshman boy to say hello to me anymore. i feel invisible all the fucking time and i cant take it anymore. am i some defect product that no one wants to be around because thats what it sure is starting to feel like. my rants could last forever and the screaming frustrations pour from lungs at night but its just never enough. theres never enough outlet for all the rage and depression reeking havoc inside my body. so happy that not one ever reads what i have to say. its just the same as being in high school.