its like my heart is rotting in my chest. cant take much more. cant even think of things to say anymore. cant take much more. never could take a lot. silent martyr for only so long. sometimes the pains screaming from my lungs streaming from my eyes and i cant stop it. wish people would just leave me alone to die. silent and alone thats how i like it. curled up to let my insides rot out. sad music for a sad soul. so sick and tired of being sick and tired. so lonely and willing to be alone. want what i cant have it always seems to be this way. wonder if they like to see me suffer. wonder if they get a kick outta it. sure seems that way. purging my thoughts. all out on the table. face up. wish everyone could be like this all the time life would be better maybe a little harder but sure as hell a lot better. and my tears seem to be a faucet thats always on. wish my feelings could be turned off with a switch. i wouldnt mind not feeling anything. numbness would be heaven compared to these feelings. if things could be right again id like that. but they never will be never can be cause everythings changed and theres never any going back. kinda wanna be in a car crash. kinda wanna be in a coma. kinda wanna know who ends up coming to see me when im almost dead. kinda wanna know who actually cares. kinda too scarred to see that no one would come or the wrong people would come. dont understand why i have to feel this. dont understand what made me deserve this. pretty sure i dont. pretty sure ive never done anything that deserves such pain in return. made a few mistakes have a few regrets but who doesnt its life no one can get out unscathed completely clean its impossible. we all make the mistakes have the regrets feel the pain but really this amount of pain seems unnecessary. i wish people understood other people. i wish they knew what they did. i wish they got that this hurts. cant take much more cause its like my heart is rotting in the chest.

on the outside looking in. that's what i am. i dont enjoy it. cause its friday night and i cry myself to sleep because of them. it seems like everyone around me is so fucking happy. well i wanna know where they got that and how much it is cause i'm almost willing to pay anything to just be fucking happy. thought it was supposed to be easy to be happy but i find myself liking the depressive comatose state i live in rather than try and put it effort into being happy. whats happiness worth anyways i seem to be going fine without it but watching everyone else have it and love it makes me think that i am missing out on something i wanna see what that something is. sad songs to sings sad smiles of knowing real pain. passing out in a lonely bed. remembering the days that i was happy they seem like forever ago cause well maybe they were or maybe i haven't even gotten to them yet. i can tell you right now when i'm an adult i wouldn't wanna go back to being a kid for anything. these are possibly the worst years i'll ever experience and i can not wait to get away from them. spending nights alone cause i'm ditched for everyone to go with their "soul mate" yeah bullshit. i know they'll be over soon enough so why bother. that's how i feel i'm not going to marry this kid so why fucking bother to try it. seems a lot easier in theory to give him up though. every day is a struggle to not go back to him. temptations always there and hes always on my mind but i know going back to him is like going back to smell a rose the thorns are always there to remind you that too close and you'll get hurt. a little corny i know but that's about all i can relate it too. my brains not even functioning correct right now. wish it could just be easier wish he could have just said yes. dont wanna admit to missing him but i do. dont wanna admit to thinking about him constantly but i do. dont wanna admit to crying about him but i do. dont wanna admit to wanting to be what he wants but i do. so many things that i wish weren't true that i could say i dont but they're all i do so why bother lying. wish there was little white lies wish i could said heyyy JUST KIDDING i dont like you it was all a joke wanted a good laugh but i'm in too deep now. in too deep treading water but i'm drowning out here. need a life boat that ain't never coming. want these feelings to go away i'd rather feel nothing.