its kinda funny how all the sudden your world can come crashing down. you think everything is great and then seeds of doubt that had been sewn long ago finally start to sprout. you think you're happy when you're really just not. the things that seem to make you so happy just don't anymore. it's hard when you find out a loved one is sick and it changes your perspective so much. like today i was so happy and then i realized i wasn't. there's so much i wanna do and i can't do. i realize i'm not making much sense through this but bare with me i'm going through a rough patch here. i mean i just realized that i will be going into high school next year. basically the beginning of the rest of my life. and you probably think what just fucking freshman year but no my friend just fucking freshman year is a big deal for me. honors english, honors bio, honors algebra and geometry II, world civ (no honors available.) french A (no honors available.)and my one elective that will be art is a big deal. i have to make a decision choose between band and art both of which i love but art opens many more doors for me. but how can i give up band with a teacher i love its hard and makes me feel awful about it. and then there's the fact that my town's high school looks like a fucking i dont even know its so HUGE not even kidding it really is. i wish so much for my sister to be there with me but she's off at college doing her thing and barely around anymore although we love each other very much. but its so scary all of these decisions that previously were made for me. and making all of them in advance is even worse because now i get to sit and think about it and think about getting there. i just want the end of this to come so i can get there and be ready and start and get it all over with. i can't sit still nor can my mind and i just wanna get it over and done with and do it and just get there and be ready and prepared and not really experience it. i like to get scary shit over with but this is an impending doom waiting for me inescapable and i just have to wait to get there and that sucks. i mean all this is just getting to me and i wanna stop the world make it hold so i can figure everything out and just relax and enjoy the life i live but i can't and i never will this life isn't mine to live it's everyone but mine to live. and then there's that thing about being happy its like i cant be happy with these thoughts anymore. like sometimes i'm happy but really i'm just in some type of depressive funk all the time. its just these emotions i dont even know. i feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and i shouldn't. i know i'm thinking irrationally but i cant help it i do it anyway. it's like i have every reason to be happy but i'm not. and i can't for the life of me figure out why. there has to be something wrong with me. my moods are swinging and they never seem to settle. i'm indecisive about how my life is if it's truly good or not i'd like to believe it is but i could be wrong i really don't know and maybe i just don't care anymore. and i have to say i love writing in this. it's like purging my thoughts. once i get them written out i don't have to think about them anymore and it feels so good. so cheers ! to you and the rest of your life. to me and the rest of my life. to the possible out comes that someday i might just bump into you on the T. to being happy.....

it's kinda funny how sometimes the thing you thought you wanted the least ends up being exactly what you want. it ends up being just perfect and just right for you. when you're not expecting anything to happen and then something does and it turns into everything you've ever wanted. like how all the sudden you find yourself completely content because you have a few good things going for you and you realize this is all you need. like even though everything's not perfect or the way you thought you wanted it to be and then it turns out that it is. and it's a good feeling to have. you're happy with the way you're life is going. you have friends, good grades, a family unit, a support system, good sports team, or anything and it just shows how one small thing can make all the bad things just seem so small and meaningless. you sleep easy at night cause your mind is at true rest not tossing and churning thoughts about. thoughts that previously kept you up late at night wondering about them, fantasizing about them, planning or predicting them. you're ready to let the chips fall where they may. you can pick anything back up that's fallen apart. you're together and whole. you don't need much more because you're already feeling complete. there's always room for more happiness but you make it a point to never let in more negativity. you've stopped wishing you were someone else or had someone else's something. you can look back and laugh at the things that caused you pain. you can look back and learn from the mistakes you have made and realize that fretting over them was a silly waste of time. you can look back and pick of the pieces of your heart that have been scattered about with different people because you know that it's time to pick up and move on. you know they weren't good enough for you and that you can do so much better or that it just clearly wasn't meant to be. you can pick it back up and glue it together. there will still be creases because those events happened and you can't forget lest you fall into that same predicament again. you store the memories in a box with packing peanuts treating them gently with the utmost care as to never forget or damage them. you can look back and when you're finished you can look forward. you can foresee a brighter future for yourself. a future full of smiling, laughing, and good times but also seriousness, strength and success. a future of good fortune, a future that pleases you because it's what you make of it. and even if when you get there it wasn't exactly how you planned it you're still happy. happy to have gotten to the future and happy to have what you have because it is good (for lack of a better word at the moment). it suits you because somehow you got there by the decisions you have made and it works and it makes you happy. i never thought that this would all make me so happy, but it has. to be with them, to meet him, to get myself where i have gotten. it may have been an uphill battle but it was oh so worth it. i've found something here a chunk of gold; perhaps fool's gold who knows right now for we shall see in the future as to what this all turns out to be but right now it seems to be the real deal and boy i'm happy to have found it.

i swear to god that the universe doesn't want me to be happy. one little good thing happens to little ol' bianca and then its gone. always trying to keep me down. cause now i've met one of the greatest persons i've possibly ever met. everything that i've ever wanted and in 5 months he's moving across the fucking country. i honestly dont ask for a lot but i think i might start cause the little i do ask for i dont get so why not ask for that i wont get either. i cant take this anymore. i'm entitled to my fucking happiness so let me fucking have it. this is the worst feeling in the world. i guess i'm just a little bit of a hopeless romantic. i kinda thought he'd be that guy that i meet and end up dating all through high school and then its college and we go our separate ways but i'd always have our memories to look back on of course the likeliness of this happening is about a one in a million chance but still i probably would have dated him for at least 6 month but now that's not even going to be possible. it just brings every emotion of despair that i've been able to block out the last few weeks to come rushing back. i'm not sure how much more of this i can take. honestly i just want this to all end. i want to be happy for more than a week for once in my life. i guess that being happy means i dont have to write in the journal cause theres nothing to rave about and then all the sudden theres so much. cause you know something else i hate fake people. i hate people who say they're your friend but dont act like it. you wanna be my friend well actions speak louder than words so fucking act like it. i hate people who pretend to give two shits when they really dont even give one. its just so stupid. i dont want to have a "friend" you dont like me straight up tell me it'll make it so much easier. i'm basically just so sick of this world. i want real people, real love for each other, and real living, real experience, i'm so sick of everything. so sick, so sick, so sick.........