for once in my life i'd like a straight answer. i'd like someone to just straight up tell me this is what i'm doing this is what i think about you this is what will happen with us. i dont want to be lead on a fucking goose chase. if you like me tell me if you dont tell me. but whatever you do, do NOT send me mixed signals. dont make me call you every night then when i call say sorry let me call you back and call back 10 minutes later cause thats stupid. if you dont wanna talk or cant talk till a certain time so that we can just talk and i dont have to worry about what youre doing when i call and you suddenly cant talk. dont tell me i'm beautiful and the hottest girl youve ever seen and you wanna get with me and then five seconds later say oh shes so pretty or well reallly whod wanna marry you cause no matter if its a joke or not it still hurts. or tell me your wife says hi like wtf i dont wanna know things like that. dont hook up with me and then tell me about her. god i could just go on forever and ever about this. i just wish people would be straight up tell me how its gunna go down. tell me if i have a chance or if i'm wasting my time. i dont wanna give up on you but i cant take this emotional roller coaster. mixed signals will be the death of me.

it feels good to... be alive. make new friends. make old friendships stronger. be happy. be in love. want to wake up in the morning. look forward to something. try in everything you do. have someone back with you. hear their voice. smile. laugh so hard you cry. make inside jokes. have a good time. sneak out late at night and then sneak back in early in the morning. sing out loud. dance around. kiss. hug. see. breath. feel. think. be free. not give a damn what people think. not give a damn what people say. be smart. be brave. be proud. be dignified. be a woman. hear music. play games. joke. pull an all nighter with crazy kids. take naps. eat good food. text. call. do cartwheels. help someone understand. say sorry. be forgiven. forget bad memories. embrace good memories. remind. be reminded. leave somewhere you dont want to be. go somewhere you want to be. create art. win a game. lose a game. have heart. have soul. have youth. have strength. have stamina. have a contest. play video games. watch a movie. scream out the car window. feel the breeze on your face. travel to distance lands. cure someone. be with someone you care about. be with someone who cares about you. be human. be alive. do everything you can possibly imagine. have the time of your life.

cause i found the courage, and i finally got that validation.

i wanna be interesting to you but doesnt everyone ? i write on my hands cause i want you to see it. i want you to see my thoughts and feelings in song form. i want you to see the lyrics that dictate my life. i want you to see them and think about what they mean to me. think about what they have to do with and who they are meant for. i want you to see them and worry that im killing myself inside. i want you to care for fucking once in my life about the heartache i might have or the fucked up things i cant handle in my own goddamn life. i want to seem interesting to you. i want you to be interested in my life. i want the things to mean something for once. i want people to see these words and think that im deep and have a meaning to my life. i want to see more than a heart broken teenage girl cause there is so much more to me than that. i want you to see what im thinking every damn minute of every damn day. i want you to watch me and see me change and react and grow. i want you to care about my feelings and that i get hurt and fall and stand back up all on my fucking own cause youre never fucking around. i want you to sit at home late at night and wonder about me, wonder if im thinking about you, what music im listening to, or if ive finally moved on and right at that second talking to some new guy. i want you to watch me and think im suicidal so you'll rescue me from myself. i want you to lie to yourself about me. pretend like you dont need me but pine away at night wishing for my body and whithering in agony because now all you have is memories and even those are beginning to fade. i want you to be sitting in the middle of the night thinking of me and not be able to stand it a minute longer. you sneak out and ride your fucking skateboard over and throw pebbles at my window till i open it up and beg for me to take you back. i want to be able to shut that window and go back to bed not wanting anything to do with you. but i know that id smile at you close the window and run down into your waiting arms and take you back in a heart beat. and i know the next day youd forget me and remember how much a big mistake i am and break me again. and id just keep on forgiving you and keep on letting you back in cause baby i believe in everyone im ready to accept that people can change and im willing to let them willing to give them that second change they really dont deserve. i think brand new said it best "i need you like water in my lungs."

i cant talk to this guy because i dont have the balls at all. you dont even understand my stomach right now i could puke its all in knots and i feel sick about it im so scarred of doing it bc im so scarred hes just totally gunna reject me AGAIN and i cant take that im fucking crying over this and then every time he signs off or i go to sleep at night knowing i didnt do it i hate myself for it its complete torture but i cant do it cause its better to not know what he says than to know if he says something horribly mean but i know that if i dont do it that it will be worse. ignorance is bliss but even the perfect paradise can be hell. it was the worst ending to 2008 ever the worst ending of a year i think ive ever had. and i just wanna be able to be friends with everyone and be happy but its not possible at all. cause i seem to be the only person willing to put shit behind and get over. i want things to go back to the way they were in october that was the best and worst month of my life and the day you stopped calling me was the day i stopped living. i still have that voicemail you left me on my phone. the one that only says hey um its me uh heres my new number uhh i forgot to give it you you so yeah uh call me back or something byee. you sounded so nervous and vulnerable and then at the same time like you totally didnt give a rats ass if i called or not. but i knew you wanted me to call so badly but i let you sweat and waited two days and then called and you seemed so relieved and then there wasnt a night that went by that we didnt talk and it was glorious i was in heaven and you were my ecstasy but now its all over. you stopped calling and i think i died a little inside. cause your voice is how i fell asleep but i tried to get over you it was just so damn hard. and i never completely did but i just wanted to be your friend to see you and have you look in my eyes with a genuine hello but its never going to happen. cause you dont care about me anymore and i dont have the courage to talk to you cause youre everything i love and everything i hate wrapped in one and it scares me so much inside. and you left me and seemed like everything was gone cause i had finally found someone to share my day with and sneak out at night with to wrestle with in the basement and tell me the truth you didnt care if you hurt me cause you knew i would just hurt you back and get over it you told me everything and it all felt so right. but it ended and you didnt care then. you left me and i wanted to leave me too. cause i knew there had to be something wrong with me for everyone to walk out on me like this. i did stupid things to myself and i became a shadow of myself and now im finding my footing and my way again and you come back and just cut me down. you dont want me to get back up and i will do whatever you want but its over im done surrendering to this. im going to get this done and over with im going to fling the door wide open walk in the room and then leave slamming it shut forever looking for a new door leading to a brighter world. a world i know i deserve.

maybe its not the light that needs to find me maybe i'm the light that has to find myself maybe i just need to find the light maybe i need to find the light within me before i can find the light from others. i want to find my guardian angel so damn bad but i know that he'll come in the right time i know i need to be my own guardian until that time. i know that for it to the be time i have to believe in myself before my guardian angel can believe in me and come to me.

i want the light to find me. i want it to pour through me. i want everyone to see it. i want to feel it inside of me. i need this light to find me.

i'm a over active, hyper active, over organized, obsessive mess. i have meticulous order of things and i obsess that they be in that order and perfect. homework and such takes me hours when everyone else it takes minutes and i have no time for a real social life when all i wanna do is make sure that my school career is perfect, perfect grades, perfect comments, seamless transitions of life elementary to middle to high school onto college and then the real world. but its scary cause my schedule is chuck full of things to do a schedule i dont like to stray from. i even have the time of my shower and such written to make sure it happens and gets done properly. i'm afraid of not going anywhere in life. i want to succeed in everything i do and it scares me to not be good at something. i'm fully afraid of failure. i like to have a schedule that is so full i have no time to stop and think because thinking can lead me thoughts to stray from the true path of life and it scares me that something wont go as i plan it or that i really dont know where my life will truly go in the future. i'm afraid of growing old all alone and so i dont think about the true romance and love my life my spouse, husband, lover, w.e you wish to call him or her i dont know which cause i havent met em yet and that scares me but it also scares me to think maybe i have met them and i messed it up and now im destined to alone forever or maybe its someone i do know that it does become my "7th grade sweetheart" oh how tragic that would be cause he has to be one of the biggest asses ever. night time seems to be the worst part cause i can sit and think about anything i want for however long i want till the morning and comes and i have to go back to school back to that perfect schedule back to my life as i know it. i spend sleepless nights letting my mind wonder and wishing it wouldnt cause it scares me to know that there are so many things i can not control out there, that are totally out of my grasp to understand. i will never know the future until it happens and in seconds that becomes the present and it scares the living shit outta me to think about that. i want solid concrete facts that wont change unless i change them myself. and all this makes me realize how im being completely unrealistic. cause everything will work out the way its supposed to in the end. we're destined for something and thats that. and i know that im going to go where i want to go if i set my mind to it but im so afraid of slipping and fucking all my hard work up. but i know in my heart i wont yet i cant get over it. my weekends are mine to behold and i spend them with people i love and i have a good time i know how to balance and i know how to maintain even if i think i dont i really do. i pretty much like writing in this journal to write what happens in my head down. im not looking for anyone to actually read it or talk about it or comment it. its just a place i know i can write w.e i want and no one will care and if it doenst make sense they wont care cause its what i think and i lvoe that and i know no one will actually find this and read it and know its me. i can write all this down and then its outta my head i know if i wanna think about it i can always read it again but i dont have to have it all crammed in my head 24-7 it reminds me of that well thing in HP and the goblet of fire that Dumbledoor (or however its spelled)uses. i love that feeling. it makes me feel so much freer and helps me to realize so many more things. just from writing ive become happier and let go of so much and have been able to realize what i need to change my life to make me happy. "Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." - Mahatma Gandhi and thats totally what im working on right now making everything in harmony so that my life is how i think and want it to be so that i am happy. i always feel like i write so much but i dont care cause its good to. im not afraid of much else (spiders, heights, falling from those heights, growing old alone and failure) that doesnt seem all too bad. but i guess it depends on how you look at it. w.e though cause now im starting to truly know how to make things work and im happy to just wait for everything in time. cause i know that whats supposed to be will be and that whats not wont. "Remember not always getting what you want can be a wonderful stroke of luck."~Dalai Lama and well its extremely true. im never letting stupid little things get me down and i will be above it all and stand strong. new years resolution even though i vowed i wouldnt have one is to conquer being afraid of failure and to let my life take its course. i will continue to work hard at it all and be the best i can be but i will no longer obsess over getting an A rather than a A+ its completely ridiculous and i see that now.