well im just looking for some companionship someone to hold me and cuddle with that will tell me everythings fine and that im beautiful. but i look for it in all the wrong places. im okay with that though cause you start to settle and thats that. we accept the love we think we deserve. and i guess i dont think i deserve any. cause im easy for a one night stand and its hard times. everyones perceived me as this girl that anyone can get with that just wants sex sex and more sex. but its not true at all. i want someone to want me. i want a special person to be there for me. i just cant find that ever so i accept the illusion of love. i accept the lust in disguise as the love i crave. i let my brain believe and i let my heart take hold when i know its just another night that doesnt mean a damn thing to either of us. i get attached to nothing and the feeling that nothingness gives me. my mind takes hold and creates something so much more. i expect so much more from the person even though i truly know i shouldnt. i go into every relationship with doubts and the understanding that theyre gunna leave me but i go in anyway. i choose to fool myself and be blind. fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. keep fooling me and im the ass the biggest fool. some how ive come to accept this as the truth. i ask for very little. a hand to hold, arms to be wrapped around me, and kisses on my forehead. calls at night to say good night i love you and calls in the morning to say good morning i love you. its strange that i know when we say i love you it really means nothing. i love you is an empty meaning to people our age. this day and age everything is love; i love my car, i love this food, i love that house etc and it means nothing. saying i love you to a person has absolutely no meaning. its not weighted down with all the emotions and commitment it should be. i love you should come with a ring and a marriage proposal and thats all. it should be a forever type thing no going back once i love you is said its meant. so many of us will never get a real true i love you with ring and wedding and kids after. we'll get false hopes and broken hearts that never meant a damn thing. cause its so impersonal these days. if you go to one place this person will say i love you and break up with you just the same as if you never went in the other direction and never met them but met someone else who said and did the exact same things. so dont take it as its over cause its gunna happen to everyone just the same. and remember youll say and do the exact same things so dont make it too personal cause it never really is. yet knowing all this its all i want. i want the illusion i want the fakeness i dont seem to care about the consequences and the fact that its not true or that it wont last. i know that its not gunna be the person i marry or love and grow old with for the rest of my life. but it sure is a great feeling for the time being. i just wanna know that im desirable for more than just a hook up. its not really a lot to want or ask but it seems damned near impossible to get. i'll keep trying though and i'll lose faith and regain faith and give up and get back up. its all a game it is just one i dont seem to be especially good at playing.

so its basically the new year and nothing feels different. theres gunna be explosions in the sky but nothing down here on earth. its still gunna be the same old same old here. the new year brings no change except people deciding to change their ways. we all make "new year's resolutions, goals, w.e" but nothing of it ever happens. we never actually stick to our decisions and inevitably revert to our old ways. we say shit and but dont back it up with action. words arent worth a damn thing without action. you say you want peace but youre not out there trying for it no youre preaching to the choir and thats it. cause its not gunna happen on its own it takes effort and time and it makes you have to get up off your lazy ass and do work but no one wants to. we quote people and we yell at people but it gets us no where. once there was a time before when people were actual do-ers and they got out there and fought for what they believed in. they didnt take no for an answer and they tried every damn day of their life to get things to be the way they are today and you we take it all for granted. we dont respect these people, we laugh in their faces and they roll over in their graves when we disregard everything they stood for. people who had passions to do something that didnt care for money but for the purity of living and breathing and being blessed to be here. no today we sit and we complain about our 9 to 5 jobs but it makes us the money that makes our world go 'round. now anyone who doesnt make the money but does what they love isnt even considered as a respectable person but those are the real people i respect. people who dont care if they make a million dollars or a dollar a year. they want to make their art, music, poetry, books, and all. they want to do what they dream to do and they go out and do it and thats what i respect. people who fight for their way of life. they dont try to bring anyone down but bring everyone up to the same level, they want peace and harmony and freedom. some say you cant have peace and freedom but its true that we can. we can be free to speak our mind do as we want and such but with respect we shouldnt bring others down and then there is peace. peace is easy live and let live. i guess i contradict myself through out this but its all true it takes time to understand cause i might just not think like you but thats okay. sometimes it takes differences to bring us together. discussion and inquisitiveness pure curiosity with no intent to harm. respect for yourself and others and the world around you. to understand that everyone isnt carbon copies of each other and stand for different things. we're independent souls that need different nourishing. we get what we can from each other but it takes looking inside yourself to truly see the light. i could be showing my ignorance on the world but im okay with that cause i know that i have to be ignorant and i have to flaunt my ignorance for someone to slap my face and tell me so to teach me my mistake and i'll learn from it. cause keeping quiet does no one any good so i speak my mind and i learn from that and the wrong things i say i someday will turn into the right. but really its my opinion and i may not have the same as your opinion which is completely fine. but if i try to persuade you and yell at you and such without giving you a chance to make me understand where you come from then that is ignorance. so keep me from being ignorant.

how do you know when its best to move on and when its best to stay and fight ? cause i find myself doubting every decision i make. days can go by and i'll be completely confident and then a day comes and self doubt is evident. i wonder how everyone else deals with this. cause they all seem to be happy, wearing that smile like a mask that covers up any true emotion. maybe they doubt themselves the same as i doubt myself. i tend to doubt that too though. and its hard to know how anyone thinks or if they mean what they say. cause this world seems pretty closed off. the people are all closed off from each other. and no wears their emotions on their sleeves anymore. no ones a real romantic or a real tragic. everythings happy dappy and all smiles. they cover their themselves cause they dont wanne be figured out. no one shares their feelings or thoughts. and i know what its like cause its a lot easier to hide the truth then to explain the reasons that no one will ever understand no matter how you say it. they dont know and never will understand what you go through. and you never know what people are actually thinking. and if we did it would make it hard for us to function cause people have nasty sadistic thoughts that are meant to bring people down even if some are well intentioned and 'nice' they're not all like that. but people dont say what theyre thinking to protect people. they stop pain in hopes that they can keep people happy. and they sugar coat and baby bumper every sharp corner. but that isnt how the real world is believe me. ive seen the real world and it aint so pretty. cause theres poverty, and murder, and crime and pure unhappiness. but bad things are there so we can truly appreciate the good things in life. but thats actually alright with me cause i know that there has to be bad for there to be real good. im happy to sift through shit to find the diamond. and i appreciate every day im alive and what i have cause ive seen what others dont have and i know im better off than them. even if it isnt exactly what i want. and i digress through out this but thats what i thought about all day today....

you're just another notch in my belt. cause i dont find you special or especially beautiful. i just like the thrill of a new victory, the rush of a new conquer. i push people as far as they go. i wanna see how far you'd go for me. how many times i can hurt you before you finally walk away, what it takes to make that one hurt you cause me. i just wanna get you to be under my reign. cause i like to get around. have a hold on everyone person at least once, and there are those people who i dont want to last. but then there's those people i want to last, and they dont seem to stay very long. cause i swear i hurt them the most anticipating the inevitable, that one day they're gunna leave on their own, so why not make them leave quickly. people can say i'm a slut, but really its the rush and the thrill i'm into. i wanna see how far you're willing to go for me how much damage i can cause before you say no. does it matter how many people? cause the one that matters, will have been pushed away no matter what.

so ive got all these thoughts going around in my head and never anyway to write them, im not creative enough for songs or poems. so i write them down and some how they turn into things that take form and you could call them whatever you want. i write things and i want no one to know who i am. but thats not very hard to do barely anyone knows who i am. i dont even know who i am. so i guess we all search for ourselves and we can spend a life time or a day. some never find themselves and others find what they think is themselves. and they say everyones different but how many types of different can there be. i dont feel too different most of the time. im just another stereotypical tragic teenager. i want attention and i'd go about anyway to get it. so really maybe theres only so many differents to choose from thats what it feels like. maybe this could be considered a song or a poem or just a rant. im not sure i care too much. chances are no one takes the time to read or listen or try and put into music form so why bother writing.......