Jordan has me a victim of his love; and I'm not wanting to be rescued. I am offically in love with the song Niki FM. So yeah, it's an amazing song, if you haven't heard it - listen to it. I don't know what will happen when school starts again(It's been four days now since I have gone to school). Unless I have to go back to the hospital, I don't know. I am looking out the window while writing this - and just amazed by the clouds. Remember when we were younger; and we could sit outside for hours, watching the clouds go by? But now we are too obsessed with the computer, and if we go outside we will get blinded by the sun. I want to go back in time and live my childhood, as I know I missed out pretty badly on it. I knot it won't happen; but I just wish it would. I think everyone wants that to happen to them at some point in their life; and I know the feeling will just get stronger.

Jordan and me are talking right now, and I am laughing and smiling more than I ever have in my whole life. I don't know what I would be without him - we did just start dating, but we have been friends since primary. So he is pretty important to me, and I hope that we last; or all those years will just be wasted into nothing if we break up. Guys can never stay friends with a girl. It just never works. 

I'm waiting for my mom to get home because well, she's taking forever - and I'm tired of wanting stuff that I know won't happen. She hasn't been home for 6  days now, why do I think she will come through that door right now, with open arms? Expecting me to welcome her back to her house, that I have been controlling since she has been gone. Does she really expect me to do that? I don't know. She better say she's sorry, that's all I want from her - is a sorry, and a good excuse of why she wasn't here. 

I should most likely go, because well - It's 2PM, and I want to see Jordan before this day is over, I don't exactly know what we will do. Mall? Shop? I don't know. As long as I get to see him I'm pretty fine with it. :).

shelby.

xoxx.

I love the fact how when I put in my birthday, this is what came up -

December 31st, 1969.

when I am only 16 years old; it amuses me because I didn't even notice when I was putting in the year, date, or month. My real birthday is June 14, 1992. For all of you who think I am complete creeper.

Just thought I would let you all know that.

Shelby

xoxx.

Well; So far I have learned that people may say that they are your friends; but you will never truely know if they mean it. Rebecca says that she is my friend; yet today I heard her saying that I was plenty of names that I would rather not say.

 "That's what you get when you see your life in someone elses eyes." that line, right there... it says so much to me; you don't know what you look like in someone elses eyes - to yourself you are just well, yourself. Yet to others you could be some freak that nobody wants to know, you don't exactly know or care about what other people think of you - that's what I thought until I heard that line of a song. It spoke to me because I never really thought of it that way before; I imagine many of you could relate to it, also... and think of a million other ways to look at those few words - but that is my way of looking at it. 

 Right now, I am trying to understand why we are born; sounds so depressing but it really bothers me; are we just here to learn a lesson, and then it be over with? Or are we here to make a difference in the world. I don't exactly know which one it is, or if there are other reasons - I just wish we didn't have to figure it all out for ourselves. We are all here for different reasons, but I wish it wasn't so hard finding out what the reason is.

My mom isn't home, and either is my sister - I don't know where either of them are; neither do I care. I just got back from the hospital from my operation; and now I am on sleeping pills. It isn't that fun, but I guess that is the price I pay. Don't think I am suicidal, because that isn't the reason I am in the hospital; I am in the hospital due to lung cancer. Smoking is a bad habit, and they really mean that when they say it - I just wish I listened. I guess that is the main reason so many songs get to me; because I know I could leave at any moment, and yet I still think that music will help me survive. It's like old people(haha), if they are married, and one dies-  it's not that long after the other one dies; it's like they can't live without eachother. Somewhat like me and music, I need it to live; and it needs me and everyone else to stay alive, also.

 Anyways, I should really go sleep - it's only 2PM; but I most likely won't wake up until about 12AM.

shelby.

xoxx