Owl City. I've been 34 hours without sleep. I keep thinking about him. I'm so full of energy, but I have this feeling that I'm about to crash at any second. I made it about twenty hours without food today, but had a breakdown and binged on probably about 1,500 calories. I'm done eating for today, though. I think I'll throw up if I eat anything more. I'm so full of these spiraling emotions that there's no room left for nourishment. Oh well. Maybe I'll die of starvation and I won't have to think anymore. I'm going to the mall later to get a Halloween costume so I can pass candy out to disabled kids tomorrow at the zoo for Key Club.

Mayday Parade. I couldn't take it anymore. I totally gave up today. My alarm went off at 4:45 this morning and I dragged my feet down the hallway to tell my mother that my head hurt. Because it did- emotionally. She told me that she'd call me in sick. I collapsed onto my bed and stayed there until one in the afternoon. I couldn't get up. I wanted only to close my eyes and to never have to open them again. Now I'll be behind in my AP and Honors classes and I'll have stupid social things to catch up and stuff for Key Club, not to mention the fact that I haven't done any art for a while. I miss writing and drawing and coloring and poetry and photography and filming. And I was terrible today with eating. I managed to skip breakfast and lunch as usual, but I indulged at dinner and ended up at around 900 calories for the day. I'm disgusting. I'm disgusting because I have no self-control and I'm disgusting because I care enough about being thin to starve myself and I hate it. I hate myself. ...And I've been thinking about him all day. Imagining us together. It feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest as I say his name in my head over and over and over... just like every other day for the past two years... I'm losing my mind.