Yesterday was so strange. I went on an absolutely horrid fieldtrip(Some old house) the ride there was not that bad, my friend Jennifer saved me a spot by Jonny. He flirt’s like a child by the way; pulling strands of hair out of my head and poking me from behind then acting like he didn’t do it. Julian had to ride the same bus as me(the school had to bring two busses)there wasn’t a space open for him but luckily I was sitting on the outside of the spot my friend chose so I guess he pretty much had to sit next to me. He sat there, yes, but he spoke not one word to me. I wonder if he knows how bad his silence tortures me. Here is a sum of the bus ride- Depressing. As soon as we got there me and Julian split up into our different groups, we then went in through some gates in a very orderly fashion… hhahaha, yeah right. My school is filled with immature nit-wits that do as they please which is usually nothing helpful towards the teacher. I will save a lot of your precious time and just flat out tell you where I’m getting at. Julian is a dumb prick but I love him so much I can’t sleep at night. I wish he would just speak to me more often. Oh… wrong point, the fieldtrip was depressing and boring. There we go. I bet your wondering if this entry will ever get to an interesting point, hm? Well I have some semi-interesting things to say. Blah. After the field trip Julian asked me to hang out with him and Jonny. I said yes but I wasn’t very happy about it, see when I’m depressed I just like to get away from all the bullshit and I knew that’s what I would get if I went with him but then again, maybe it would make up for my bad day. The walk there was shitty because I found out it wasn’t just Jonny, Julian and I that would be hanging out but a few more people. God, I keep on dragging crap out then I stop wanting to finish what I started so here we fucking go… Summary; Jonny tried to get me and Julian to make out then make love, Jonny kept on fucking flirting with me, oh and we watched some porn movie. How lovely, I know. This part is for me, pretty much, so I’m just going to write like an idiot because that’s how I feel. We went to the movies. I was wearing a skirt, Julian put his hand on my upper thigh. After a while he moved it from my leg and I put my hand on his knee then slowly slid it up to his upper-thigh. Movie ended, we walked around. We planned to sneak out later. I kissed him, me and Jennifer left. Sneaking out Was Cold And Dumb. I did not even have much fun, but guess what?! Dumb-shit me agreed to do it again. Oh, one more thing... I have to sneak out of my grandmum house. Do you know how bad that it? If I get caught by her(which I will) I will be cut into little peaces then put in a fucking blender. I Am R E T A R D E D.

It so cold in this room. I hate the cold, snow only looks good from a warm houses window.

[Guys point of view] After all the time that has passed I would think your face your curvaceous body. Your full lips. Your smiling eyes. The way you always laughed when you were nervous. After all this time I hoped, I prayed to god, your fingers all over my body...I hoped they’d disappear along with all my other memories that I lost in the car accident. I saw you yesterday. After the years that went by it still hurts to see you. I saw you but you didn’t see me. Didn’t recognize me. Was it the time that’s crept by oh so horribly slow or is it the scars? All over my body. You told me once that no matter what I looked like you would always feel for me. How about now? You saw me alright. You saw me and I could see the shudders running down your body. I could hear your thoughts and all your senses screaming out "RUN". I went home that day and hurt myself. I just needed to see if I could do it. As I sat there dragging the cold silver blade along my neck I wondered, Could you feel my pain? I hoped you did. I cut more today. Im sitting here, the blade on the white cement and the blood running down my neck. I cant see so clearly anymore. Good. Maybe next time I see you I wont see your discus. I cant breath so well. Good. I don’t want to breath I cant feel so well anymore. Good. Maybe then I wont love you. I wont hurt for you every second of the day Maybe the world would be a better place without another ugly face like mine.

I feel like some how Julian will stumble upon this, or anyone I know for that matter. Every person I know has quite a big mouth, if you know what I mean. I mean they never shut the hell up. Should I blank out the names? Ehh... I feel like I should. Oh. As you could probably tell... I'm a noob to this site. Can we message other people?

Okay, okay. I guess I should write something more clear. Why not start out with how my day was? I skipped school yesterday so today seemed a tad bit ‘off.’ Like always I had a lot of catching up to do. First class was alright, only because I had a lot of happy people surrounding me which made a good atmosphere but after first period every dark feeling and though that cringed away from all the smiles and laughter from happy people pounced on me as soon as I left the room and walked alone down the hallway. I recently noticed I have to fake happiness a lot. I wonder why… Next class- Lame. Class after- Lame. 4th period; Interesting. Julian is in that class with me but we never even talk. I still feel nervous around him though, even if we never even spare a word or two during the whole 45 minutes. I hate who he sees me as. Some happy girl with a care free life. Someone who has never went through anything. I bet he would hate the person I see him as too… Only because that person isn’t even him. It is my new and improved version of him, the one I want him to be Or the one I want to find in my long life span. The usual looks that any teenager wants, but with amazing brains. Someone that will look over all my flaws and just love everything about me. Someone that makes me feel better about myself, someone that will help me forget that I’m on this hellish earth and I have to survive by myself. I could go on forever, I swear. He is a great kid in all, but that’s just what he is! A kid. I am one to, yes, but in mind, not body, I am maturer then him and it is the same thing for me as age and height. Who would want to date a guy 2 inches shorter then you? Okay, I have done it before but only out of desperation. See, I have been freakishly tall my whole life and there has never seemed to be anyone taller then me tell recently. Enough of the nonsense. Hmmm. Other periods were the same, only 7th was different. Don’t judge me on what I’m about to write, okay? HE was in that class. Some amazing new boy, completely different from me. I know, I have a boyfriend and all but no matter how many times I remind myself that I cant help but to look at his pale face, coal black hair, and slim body. Who could?! He talks to me, It’s not like I’m going to ignore him. It just makes me feel great that he actually talks to me and I never have to go up to him or anything. At first, responding to his comments about life and such was just a way to get back at Julian because I heard he’d been flirting with other girls and I am just the most twisted person ever for wanting to get back at him. Gosh, Is that boy something! Not Julian, This new kid. Oh… Julian is great and all but this new kid… I sound bad, huh? Should I give Julian some time on my mind? Hahhaha. Okay. Julian. Julian. Julian… Hes tall, light brown curly hair(drives me crazy, love curly wild hair!) light brown eyes and thin muscular body. Got to love a boy like that. Personality wise, I think he comes up short. Teehee ^_^ He is not that bright, in my opinion and he doesn’t talk much… Damn, gotta go.

Hah. I feel like an idiot. But then again, don’t I always? Most likely because I am an idiot. Dense. Dim. Thick skulled. Is Journal another word for Diary? Who cares, I’m just another fly on the wall. No one will pay much attention to this. I cant do anything right, now’ a days. Couldn’t do anything right. Why is it that when anything half way decent happens to me I turn it into some horribly horrid thing? I know this might sound childish but after all, I am a child. Poor me, sob sob. Don’t ask me why I pity myself. I have a good life, right? Mom loves me. Family loves me. I have a roof over my head. Schools going good. No health problems. No deaths. Still after noting all the good things in my life I find a reason to cry at night. Sports are starting soon. I have a great reason to do them too, ‘I don’t want to get fat.’ That’s great, hm? I’m quite good at writing about nothing, am I not? I would have rather written a small story or something but all I can think about is my pathetic excuses to hate life.