I'm not against religion at all. I just don't like being put into the middle of it. We went to this group thing, tonight. And I just get so uncomfortable. This was my first Church-ish experience that didn't have to do with death. I've been to two religious funerals. I was so uncomfortable, then. I can't help but think the whole time "I don't belong here." "I feel like everyone can see that I'm not religious." It's one thing just being at a sermon. But this youth thing, people talk to you about it. We came in late, so everyone saw us. Then at the end, the group leader came straight back to us to talk. He wasn't talkative. So it was just awkward stares. And try telling a church leader "Yeah, I'm agnostic." No. So you say "I've never been to Church before." thinking it'll have the same impact. Not really. And even if you said "I'm agnostic." Then it's still a matter of "Well, why?" and How can we help you find Jesus? I have nothing against religion. It's just not for me. Then another kid came to talk to me. I can't tell him "I'm agnostic. That won't change." So he talks to me and asks me my opinion on things, And all I can say is "I don't know . . . yeah." Nice kid. But I can't do the Church talk. Also, just in one sermon, thing, in 3 paragraphs of the Bible, he talked for an hour. And it was just a huge contradiction. "God wants you to love thy neighbor, not just like him, but really care for him. Love him the same way you love yourself. But God wants you to love Him. But not just half of your heart. All of it. If you don't love Him with all of your heart, you aren't Christian. But you must also love your neighbor. If not, you aren't Christian. But if you aren't 100 percent focused on Him, you aren't Christian." But it was fine. The people were really nice. At least the ones that we sat with when we went out afterwards. I just can't handle when people bring up religion. Like, do you really need to talk about it? Because then I get in the awkward position of "I don't believe. I could tell you that, but you'd try to show me the light. Or I can play along a bit, and you'll talk about it, still." Either way, you're talking about religion. Again, I have no problem with Religion. You believe what you want to believe. I'll believe what I want to believe. I won't try to convince you of my beliefs. You do the same. I won't tell you I think Evolution makes perfect sense. I won't. Because it's not your belief. It's not any business of yours. But again. Just so I get this clear. Just because I'm agnostic doesn't mean I have any problem with religion. I just feel it can't be proven until you die. Aurevoir

If the finish line of life is death, why not take a shortcut and get there without dealing with all the stress and agony? You can't judge somebody for being depressed based on what you see of them. You are not allowed to say "But they seem so happy" and especially not "But they seemed so happy." No "They have nothing to be sad about. They have a good life." Everyone deals with things differently. People don't show how they really feel at the core. Some people might not find this college application shit stressful and hard and impossible and tear-worthy. Most people have at least one parent that went to college. *Some* people only have one parent that even graduated. *Some* people have dads who get mad at them for trying to get into college. (Makes sense.) And to *some* people, this could set them off into the feeling of "What's the fucking point of life if we're just going to die? Why deal with this shit?" Looking at *some* people, you'd think they were the happiest person alive. Because they are the nicest person alive. Because they laugh at everything. Because they never complain. But people hide how they feel. They even forget how they feel until someone reminds them. And then the chemicals kick in to jolt you back into reality. *Some* people get lost in the clouds. These people, dare I say it, are like werewolves. They look like normal people most of the time. But once in a while, the full moon comes out and changes them. Puts them into their bad side. Turns them ugly. Destructive. That's not who they *really* are. It's just their core. But that core is ugly. And it comes out. And all in all, this is who they really are. Just because it looks like they have a good life doesn't mean they do. *Some* people have to work a shit retail job. *Some* people have to deal with the fact that they don't have consistent friends. That they've never had a serious (or real) relationship with Anyone. And on top of this, *some* people have to deal with parents that, while aren't bad, don't have any idea about college. Their parents seem to think that it just comes to them. That these people know just what to do, how to do it, when to do it. Like it's Candy Land. So the parents get mad when their child isn't at Candy Castle even though there is no Candy Castle, there's "College" or "Career." But even that game forgets a direction: "Dead End Summer Job" Life is hard. You may be good at it, but *some* people aren't. It's stressful. It's agonising. It's painful. It's depressing. Aurevoir

I've been texting Britta a lot, lately. I've tried texting her before, but she never really seemed like she liked to text. But now she is . . . Well, it's 2 AM and I'm up texting her. She only seems to text at night. It's not like I need to sleep, or anything. It's nice, though. Full of stuff like "We're the ultimate team." "Yeah, we finish each other's . . . " "Pizza." And "It's scary how much I see myself in Britta when I watch Community." (See, I did good when I nicknamed her.) And "I refuse to donate blood. Free cookie? I'd rather just buy one." "Let's put band-aids on our arms, find a blood truck, and tell them we're faint." Full of pop-culture references. Random stuff. It's fun. But it's also keeping me awake. I can't really afford that. Aurevoir