Ugghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Happy New Years Eve. If you've known me since the beginning of my time here, you may know that I hate New Years. It depresses me. The Death of 2010. Last year was the Death of 2009. Honestly, I don't even remember you. This was a good year though, for me. I mean, compared to my other years, this was a good year. =================== But there's a New Years "Party" I'm to go to tonight. It's at Whosit's house. It's a family party. Our gang of 6 was supposed to go. But the twins can't go, and another can't go. So that leaves 3. Me. Whosit. And Whatsername (I wish I could remember their nicknames) Whosit is going to have to talk to other people considering it's her family's party. I don't want to sit in that house for hours and hours just talking to one/two people. Especially Whosit because I can't talk to her. She's too. . . She just doesn't get sociality. It's one thing not to like it. To be shy. To be quiet. But she just doesn't understand it. She says the wrong things at the wrong time. She says things that should never be said, because they are vocal taboo. She tells girls that a certain boy likes her because She likes the boy and is upset about it. She tells her mom that a certain boy took a bottle of alcohol out of the fridge and jokingly said "How about we drink this?" And now the mom makes sure she hides the alcohol when we come over because she thinks we are going to drink it. All because a certain person made some stupid not-even-a-joke. Why would you tell her that? That's not a vocal thing. I wish I could hear those conversations. ======================= Anyways. You know who else is going to be at this party? My next-door-neighbors. I've lived here 6 years, and I've never met my neighbors. Apparently, they don't even know I exist. When Whosit showed them a picture of me, they said "I've seen their daughter and the little boy, but I've never seen that kid before" They have no friggen idea that I'm even alive. I've made it 6 years without them knowing me, I'd like to continue that. But no. I have to go to this party that they are at. I'm going to Have to introduce myself. Because we're going to be in the same house. With Whosit and Whosit's mom who are going to force me to meet them. I don't want to. I don't want to go to this party at all anymore. I'm better off alone. Ack. It's New Years. And this is how I am going to celebrate the death of the old year and birth of the new. At a party I don't want to be at full of people I don't want to be with. So I'm going to have Time to sit and think about how I won't be able to write -10 anymore. It'll be -11. ====================== We're another year into the new decade. The tens. Idk what it's called. And I'm feeling good about it. For years and years and years I've been wishing that the '10's would follow suit. How the 70's are like the 90's How the 80's are like the 00's And the 10's have potential to be the new 70's/90's I'm liking it. We'll see though. I could be making stuff up. I haven't listened to the radio that much lately to hear the crap techno. AU REVOIR. Et Adieu, 2010.

I saw Black Swan today. I didn't want to, but I saw it. I didn't hate it. It was so friggen weird though. I couldn't believe it. Not what I thought I was going to see, I can tell you that. ======= Being the gentleman I am, I held the door for everyone walking in the theater room. So I was the last of my friends. That meant that I ended up sitting at the end of the aisle. That made me feel alone, being at the end. But not only that, The person I sat next to was Mary's boyfriend. My least-friend of the group. So I couldn't play around and have fun, I just sat there the whole movie. So until the movie started, I sat in quiet, thinking about how alone I am. Fun, right? ========== When the "Water For Elephants" trailer came on, my mind lit up. "I WANT TO SEE THAT" But then I saw Robert Pattison. "Nevermind" I still want to see it. Maybe he won't be bad. I just wish he wasn't in it. ========= The "African Cats" trailer depressed me a bit. When the one lion nuzzled his head on the other lions... Damnit. It was at that moment I started to really feel alone ------------------ I just wanted someone who could sit next to me. To take the place of my coat (who was sitting on the chair next to me.) Sometimes that's all I want... Because I don't want a girlfriend. I don't want a relationship. I hate relationships. I just want a girl who is my friend. And we go to the movies all the time. And we go to IKEA and pretend we live there (Yes, like in 500 Days of Summer... but I've been doing that much longer than that movie. Me and my sister always did that when we were little kids at Colders or American). And There will be this strong connection between us. I feel it towards her. She feels it towards me. But we never say anything about it because it's our secret. And we grow so close that to an outsider, it looks like we are in a relationship, but really, we aren't. We're just that close. We would be allowed to like other people, and encourage the other to advance on it, but we never would. Not because we can't, but because we don't want to. Because there is only one bee in our bonnets. And that bee sits next to me/her at the cinema. And even though the stinging may hurt, we don't set it free, because the pain is worth it. The pain is just a reminder that someone important is in our lives. And when the pain is gone, so is that someone, and so is every that makes this life worthwhile.

I have a new friend. His name is Holden. He is about 2.25 inches tall and very thin. He is my new mp3. A "Sony Walkman" to be precise. I don't do iPods. This is my first mp3 that isn't a Sansa. And my first mp3 that I named. mp3's deserve a name though. ================ Sadly, limewire is no longer availible, so I'm trying to figure out a new way to get music. (Buy the CD's... yeah) And I will, for the CD's that I want for a collection. I have it semi-figured out, but it's the final steps that are throwing me off. Limewire was so easy. And free. And illegal, but so what, who cares. At least I'm not drinking and smoking having sex. So I think I deserve free music. I love having new music to listen to. Old music just becomes so... over-played and mundane. I don't care if it's 20 years old, as long as it's new to me. Anyways I'm going to go to bed. I might possibly be going to Black Swan *ack* tomorrow... I didn't want to go, but I need to be a friend and go for the people. I can't always be a hermit. Even if it'll cost me 8.50. Aurevoir

I think I'm taking a loss 'Cause you are waking me up Before the sun would show his face I heard you try to be quiet As you left my side But I still heard you anyway I could make a pot of coffee Maybe an omlette or two And you could tell me anything That I could do That would convince you to stay You know your hairs a mess And you aren't even dressed It's colder than it looks outside So we could sit by the fire Count up all our desires I'll take yours, and you can take mine I know I'm not perfect I'm not the ideal guy When I'm around you I get awkwardly shy So how can I convince you to stay If you could tell me anything That I could say That would convince you to stay

Just some randomness for 1:30 in the AM. -------- Oh fearful wanderer Through this aching path of something better Than tuna on Rye But worse than a striped cashmere sweater Or the moon in your eye Come down from the tight rope These siamese twins will surely catch you I promise you this Everything will look better if you do Lay down and stare at the sky Somebody's coming in To take you down And fuck you up again But we won't let him We've got bigger hands And cannons that shoot army men No matter how long you want to believe You're fighting alone You're not We may not be strong We may not be sane And we may pretend we can swallow a flame But you're not alone Look me dead in the eye Tell me you can't see I'm standing right here I've been here all day I'm not leaving I won't disappear I'm here and I'm here to stay Come down, or I'll come up But our weights combined will topple this pole And we may both die I'm not letting you dig your own hole It's one or the other No matter how long you want to believe You're fighting alone You're not We may not be strong We may not be sane And we may pretend we can swallow a flame But you're not alone

(This post involves dreams... I like sharing my dreams... if you hate it, then whatever) So I woke up.. thought for a moment, and started cracking up... I decided not to go back to sleep and come down here and share what I thought was so amazing.... but then I realised It was only my tired thinking, and it's not amazing. But I'll share: So I had a dream last night (A few dreams) Well.. the dream was that I was walking in a feild of Barley and I had in my hand a log. On this log were buttons, because this log was not a log but a CD Player, made out of a log. I was listening to Jimmy Eat World (I Believe) but then Taylor Swift, in her Goddess of an image (I mean in the dream, she literally looked like a Goddess with her swift-ness (ha) and aura. Everything was beautiful about the setting, the sun was perfectly lighting the Wheat..) WELL Taylor Swift tries stealing my CD-Log because she wants me to listen to Taylor Swift... I hold it away, like it's a football, because I want to listen to the music I'm listening to. "I'll listen to you later, just hold on. I'm listening to this CD right now." She keeps trying to steal the log. She never SAID anything thought. So I wake up and think "God. Taylor Swift is mean in an imaginary world... and speechless" Then that's where I start cracking up, because unintentionally I used "Mean" AND "Speechless" Because those are the two names of her album. But then I came down here and woke up and realised 1) Mean is just a song title, and 2) It's not Speechless, it's Fearless. DARN! It would have been perfect. Perfect. Perfect. -- Another One involved me staying in my car after work because I didn't get to say Bye to Ty like I planned, so then I would creep up to him as he's walking to his car, like a creep, until he saw it was me, and then say bye. And One involved a lot of police and ambulances, and me trying to park on the side of the road for them to pass, but my car would never stop.... There was also a schoolbus with lights on top, and it did a U-Turn right in front of me... I was mad. I don't remember the other ones... but I know there were more good ones.

So, I tried to draw a graph of my love life, but it ended up being way too inaccurate. And confusing. So I just decided to tell the story of my longest relationship, and that's on my tumblr. Although this post is a bit old, since I posted the story 2 days ago. I might as well talk about the tornadoes we had in January 4 years ago. Which I could talk about. I know exactly where I was.... there was even an Albino black man. ================================ I do want to tell a story on here though. I remembered it today, and I like it. ----- So, I'm going to take you back to Eighth Grade. We were on an over-night feild trip to Camp Timberlee. Now, I'm not a popular kid. Even today, people would say I'm far from it. But in Eighth Grade, I was even less popular than I am now. Although Middle School was only the beginning of the Clique era, so the cliques weren't stone-solid yet. People still talked to others despite their caste, but it wasn't near as diverse as Elementary School. So, anyways. In Eighth Grade, we had this comb. It was pink, with only half of the comb being teeth, the other half a pick. But I liked this comb, because the teeth were close together, so it was ideal for my combing. I brought this comb to camp, not really thinking it would matter. The morning of the 2nd day at camp, we were all sent to the Banquet Hall for breakfast and told to bring as much stuff from our bags as we could. Why? We were playing that game from Let's Make A Deal... where the announcer calles out something, and if you have it in your purse (or bag) then you win points. Well, my cabin-mates saw my pink comb, and, needless to say, laughed at me. I don't remember the comments, but I remember there being a period of making me the butt of the jokes. A few minutes later, the announcer calls out, "Something Pink." My face lit up. Excitedly, I reached over and grabbed my pink comb and brought it up front. I came back to the table with everyone saying "Way to go, Matt!" It was a proud moment for me. Nobody else had pink, and they made fun of me for it. But in the end, it "saved-the-day." It's kind of hard to explain, but it was a 'special moment' for me.

(Warning: This is a long post. Wasn't planned to be. Just happened.) I'm having this weird phase where I kind of want to be a teacher. But I suck at teaching. Seriously, I can't explain even the simplist things to people. But for some reason, it's attracting to me. Though, I would hate grading all that homework. Doesn't it suck, feeling like you have - and will never have - no purpose in life? I mean, I have no talent. I have no calling. I'm walking on a path in Wonderland, only to find that a dog with a broom as a face is sweeping away everything in front of me. And what's left? Just this small square of path that goes nowhere. It doesn't go backwards. It doesn't go frontwards. It doesn't even go leftward or rightward. It's just a square. A stationary red square in the middle of this foreign forest which, honestly, makes no sense to me. =========== When you realise that your life is heading no where You lose a part of yourself. When I was a kid, I had so much opportunity. I was the smart kid. I was the kid who people would ask questions. They wouldn't talk to me about television or what happened to them in Chicago the prior night. I was a tool used for reassurance. For a second oppinion. But I had so much ahead of me. I was going to be a doctor. I was going to be a veteranarian. I was going to be successful. Then highschool came along, and life hit the breaks so hard it took your breath away. Everyone else caught up to me. I became more of an average kid. My body still had momentum, though. An object in motion tends to stay in motion until acted on by another force. So, people still asked me the answer Question 4. But I didn't have the answer anymore. The questions started getting stronger, while I was not. And then, for some reason, the car (life) must have realised that it stopped later than planned, so what does it do? It backs up. Now I'm not equal anymore. I'm less than. The alligator's mouth is pointing at me. The alligator wants to eat me. And now here I am. Standing on this little red square of path in The Middle of Nowhere, Wonderland. You know. I give myself very good advice But I very seldom follow it.

I found this.. I kept it to edit it, but I don't feel like it, so I'm going to leave it as is.. ============ I'll be the first one to tell you That my words don't flow from my lips Like I want them to No matter how hard I try It doesn't mean that I want you To stay away tonight So could you try To help me escape the curse Of a twisted tongue It's best while we're still too young I'm closer where I want to be But if we don't go, everything will change And I don't want it to So don't stop driving home That doesn't mean we should take it Way over the top I only need you To help me escape the curse Of a twisted tongue It's best while we're still too young Don’t tell me you can’t help me out I need it if you’re gonna stick around Otherwise I’m just another face in the crowd