Cynic18's Journal

  • 9 Entries

  • So much negativity in life, love shyness

    by Cynic18 on February 21, 2009
    I don't know. I have never had a girlfriend or been in any kind of intimate relationship with a girl. I have been reading about love shyness after reading a thread on a forum in ENotAlone.com It exactly describes myself. I'm really anxious in asserting myself in social situations and when I'm talking to a girl. Most people would say 'harden up', 'man up', etc. Well it's easy to say crap advices like that which doesn't help. I just wanna live my life happy, without regrets, do all I want to do and have plenty of genuine friends.
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  • Job Money Friends Girlfriend

    by Cynic18 on January 16, 2009
    I used to QQ about how I didn't have those 4. Now I got the first 3 =D
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  • =D

    by Cynic18 on January 14, 2009
    Yus I got a job
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  • The book 'No More Nice Guy'

    by Cynic18 on December 19, 2008
    "If a Nice Guy was called on to take care of a critical, needy, or dependent parent, he received a double dose of toxic shame. A child believes he should be able to please a critical parent, fix the problems of a depressed parent, and meet the needs of a smothering parent. Unfortunately, he can't. As a result of their inability to fix, please, or take care of one or more parents, many Nice Guys developed a deep-seated sense of inadequacy. They believed they should be able to do the job. Nevertheless, they never could seem to do it right or good enough — mom was still depressed, dad was still critical. This internalized sense of inadequacy and defectiveness is carried into adulthood. Some Nice Guys compensate by trying to do everything right. They hope that by doing so, no one will ever find out how inadequate they are. Other Nice Guys just give up before they try. This feeling of inadequacy prevents Nice Guys from making themselves visible, taking chances, or trying something new. It keeps them in the same old rut, never seeing how talented and intelligent they really are. Everyone around them can see these things, but their distorted childhood lenses won't let them accurately see their true potential and ability. The result of this distorted self-image is an emotional and cognitive glass ceiling. This invisible lid prevents Nice Guys from being all they can be. If they do try to rise above it, they bump their heads and tumble down to more familiar territory. Deprivation Thinking Prevents Nice Guys From Getting the Life They Want Not having their needs adequately met in childhood created a belief for Nice Guys that there wasn't enough of what they needed to go around. This deprivation experience became the lenses through which they viewed the world. This paradigm of scarcity and deprivation makes Nice Guys manipulative and controlling. It causes them to believe they better hang on to what they've got and not take too many chances. It leads them to resent other people who seem to have what they lack. Because of their deprivation thinking, Nice Guys think small. They don't believe they deserve to have good things. They find all kinds of ways to make sure their view of the world is never challenged. They settle for scraps and think it is all they deserve. They create all kinds of rationalizations to explain why they will never have what they really desire. Because of their self-fulfilling beliefs, Nice Guys rarely live up to their potential or get what they really want in life." I'm reading this book and virtually everything in this book pretty much hits the nail on the head. I'm starting to realise how screwed up I am. The feeling I get recollecting the memories of me being critisized by people such as my parents for just doing something wrong makes me sad.
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  • Again, my mum made me feel down

    by Cynic18 on December 16, 2008
    My mum got angry at me for not studying for computer exam that I failed. She said she will not support me for university. I have planned a house party at my house with some friends and my life was bright until the moment before she said that. I'm so fucking depressed again and right now I feel like I have nothing to live for. I want to get fucking weed so it will calm the fuck down. Instead, I'm listening to music right now. Regaining manhood is hard when you have a controlling, critical, needy, dependent mother and no father figure. I have to pass the test on Friday to show that I'm not what she thinks about who I am. And I need to find people who will genuinely care about my problems and not judge me in a way that makes me feel bad.
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  • Suicidal

    by Cynic18 on November 23, 2008

    You don't know my name
    You don't know anything about me
    I try to play nice
    I want to be in your game
    The things that you say
    You may think I never hear about them
    But word travels fast
    I'm telling you to your face
    I'm standing here behind your back

    You don't know who it feels
    To be outside the crowd
    You don't know what it's like
    To be left out
    And you don't know how it feels
    To be your own best friend
    On the outside looking in

    If you could read my mind
    You might even see
    More than meets the eye
    And you've been all wrong
    Not who you think I am
    You've never given me a chance

    You don't know how it feels
    To be outside the crowd
    You don't know what it's like
    To be left out
    And you don't know how it feels
    To be your own best friend
    On the outside looking in

    Well, I'm tired of staying at home
    I'm bored and all alone
    I'm sick of wasting all my time

    You don't know how it feels
    To be outside the crowd
    You don't know what it's like
    To be left out
    And you don't know how it feels
    To be your own best friend
    On the outside looking in

    You don't know how it feels
    To be outside the crowd
    You don't know what it's like
    To be left out
    And you don't know how it feels
    To be your own best friend
    On the outside looking

     

    I'm a social reject. I don't feel loved. I have tried so hard to fit in and I get nowhere.

    I just wanna end this. So it will be less painful. I couldn't care less about others.

    1 Comment

  • Just another lonely day

    by Cynic18 on November 13, 2008

    Today's just another day of feeling lonely.

    And the worst part is, it was the last day of high school, prizegiving day, and nothing happened to me.

     I know a girl who's interested in me. Not that pretty, but a nice way to hone my player skil ... after exams over.

     I've been to the mini homepage of the girl I used to have a crush on. It seems she might have a crush on me still, or maybe on some other guy out of my picture. I don't care anyway, I was just curious about how she was doing just like other friends I haven't seen in a while.

    I need to study damnit!

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  • You are just full of shit

    by Cynic18 on November 11, 2008

    Heard my parents arguing in the morning, mum being pissed off at my dad

    which reminded me of my former crush who was found out to be a complete bitch. Not that I'm hating my mum. I don't like my dad, for being a failure in life, for being a wuss and being like a child.

    Had a rough day today too. I have no one to lean on, everyone just wants to eat me.

    I can still remember the girl from tennis lesson calling me, 'you are full of shit'

    Sure it's no big deal. But I find this an effective way to humiliate someone.

    Now I'm not talking about my parents. But

    I just wanna slit her throat.

    And stab his face.

    One day, I will find a way

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  • Insecurity

    by Cynic18 on November 08, 2008

     This exam is making me insane that it's been so long since I have been hanging out with friends.

     I already gave up on scholarship, and I don't know if I'll make it to entry requirement for Engineering at uni.My parents gave up on me and so did my teachers.

     Well, hopefully I'll get in and everything will be OK. I'm so looking forward to meeting up with new ppl and smoking weeds after exam.

     My mum was talking about this Korean girl who won a full year scholarship from Auckland uni. I really hate being compared like that. I mean I was just a shy, quiet kid who was anti social and spoke broken English but she probably had a better start since her father is a churchman.

    Another day of feeling shit about my life again. Well it feels better now as I'm listening to Under the Bridge.

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