It has just happened yesterday that father of my best friend died. What do you do in moments like this one? Someone's world has just fallen apart. Someone's live has been changed forever. Someone has been changed forever. Earlier, I was writing about the loss that I expect to come very soon. But this one's not in the future, nor it is in the past yet. And now the person that is 'my person' will be, in fact, miles away cause I can't possibly imagine the pain she must be feeling at the moment. Is all I can do being there for her? It doesn't seem enough. Eventually, you can deal with everything, but how to stand this burning, dull pain in your chest? How to bear the memories that emerge when it is the least expected? How?

Have you ever had this feeling that nothing really matters? That you simply don't care? I used to feel like this. I did like it, too. As if nothing could touch me. But now... I came to know that a person who is...extremely precious to me, I mean like...on some level, she means more to me than anyone else, and it may sound funny but it is my grandmother. Well, I came to know that she is ill and that she's going to pass away...soon, it is expected. I don't want to get mushy or anything but...it just feels like it's too much. You know, she is the one person that always believes in me, believes that I could do no wrong. The person who never judged me. And now it' like someone just slipped the carpet off my feet or something. I can't figure out why I am writing here all of this. I guess sometimes when you try to keep it all to yourself, it just erupts at one moment and you cannot stop it. And I've got other stuff that I don't tell anyone about so it just keeps coming up. And I won't say a thing cause I'm this tough person that is not able to shed a tear and always handles everything perfectly and is there for everyone else. Except now, it seems as if there was no one there for me. So do you sometimes have that feeling? Like feeling, literally, the burden that weighs on your heart? And whatever you see or hear, it's like : "Knock, knock, I'm here, don't you forget about me". Cause lately I've been talking to it a lot and I've always thought of myself as a very sane person but now...wow! I could just hire a shrink and lay on the couch for the whole day but it seems like it would still not be enough.