so i could possibly be maybe am probably am pregnant. DUN DUN DUNNNNNN i was in denial missed my period by a week and a half continued to be in denial then, july was over in 4 days and i still never got it so i cried a lot and i shook and i held nick and i cried and i worried nick sat me down and said something that actually made a lot of sense even if it was a bit harsh "courtney, crying is not going to do anything. worrying about it and being fucking depressed from now on will not change the fact that you are pregnant. it will not make you get your period. we fucked up, but we're going to fix it. man up, baby. its the only thing you can do" today, im not in denial anymore nick is here for me, he will do anything he can to help i know he's not going anywhere we're not telling anyone there's a planned parenthood 15 minutes from my house they do free pregnancy tests for teens eliminates the awkwardness of buying a test at cvs where friends of mine work or where i could easily run into a friend of my mothers or fathers next, they'll refer me to somewhere for an abortion i'd use the abortion pill i'd make sure my parents weren't home, and nick was with me i did my research i take the first pill at the hospital or clinic - the place planned parenthood sends me to then, they give me a second pill to take home i take that one 24 to 72 hours after the first whenever is most convenient for me and that's that i go for a follow-up checkup a week later, and then we pretend it never happened in my head in my heart right now, this doesn't even bother me it should, right? like, there's a fucking human growing inside of me and in a few days, im taking a pill to make it pour out of my vagina and it doesn't even bother me? oh. okay. what if after its all over, after its out of me, i start having nightmares or i lose it freak out what if theres health side affects and i can't have children ever again? what if my parents find out? what if i can't afford it? there's so much to worry about and i'm not worried about any of it i think i'm gunna go for the test tomorrow or friday if its positive, go for the first pill on monday take the second on tuesday, when my parents are at work and then i never speak of it again no sex for a week, and then my life goes back to normal i feel like maybe i'm not upset now because in my head, i'm not pregnant i'm still subconciously thinking that i could never get pregnant that doesn't happen to girls in real life it's always someone else, somewhere else never me, never here well, news flash! its me, its here its happening, and this time i cant pretend its not welcome to the real world i guess where consequences actually mean something where they actually HAPPEN wow, im so fucking naive. shit just got real

abandon ship - gallows go! warped 2009, fucking awful. the bands i saw were good for the most part but i'm disgusted by what warped tour has become i'll get to that in a second though anyway i saw dance gavin dance reeeeally good they were all high, no big deal met them later on they were just kinda chillin in their tent nice guys saw antiflag havent listened to them in years, but my friends wanted to see them they were good my first time experiencing a "wall of hugs and kisses" rather than a wall of death saw bayside my favorite band ever i dont know what else to say i just fucking love them saw anthony later on just walking around didnt get to talk to him though, i didnt realize it was him til he was gone saw senses fail they sucked i dont even really like them later, they were supposed to do i signing but they didnt show up or something like that this kid we were with was pissed apparently they always screw jersey even though theyre from here last year they did their set, and then an acoustic set on everyday of warped except jersey whatever they suck regardless it was funny though they were complaining about some band that kept talking shit about warped during their sets turns out it was gallows hahaha which brings me to... gallows best of the night absolutely frank spent the entire set in the pit you couldnt even see him hahaha it was awesome though he was singing in the midst of 50 some odd kids throwing down around him then he made everyone make the biggest circle pit i've EVER seen and he stood in the middle of it so fucking awesome but the best part was when he goes WARPED TOUR USED TO BE A PUNK TOUR BUT ITS SEEMED TO HAVE LOST ITS WAY THATS WHY ITS A GOOD THING WE HAVE BANDS LIKE NOFX, BAD RELIGION, BAYSIDE, FLOGGING MOLLY, AND GALLOWS ON THIS TOUR then he went on to say that he wanted to see carnage, to give all these other bands something to really be jealous of it was so true though those were pretty much the only legitimate bands left on the tour warped 1995 would kick the shit out of warped 2009 later on we saw a day to remember we were debating on leaving before them because they were playing at 8, our last band before them was at 4 something but we stayed... we should have fucking left the crowd SUCKED beyond BELIEF and they only played new shit i was so disappointed, holy shit now onto why warped sucked so bad the kids i've never seen so many asshole scene kids girls who must have woken up 4 hours early to straighten their cheetah spot extensions and slather on their 40 pounds of neon makeup and boys who did the same the bros with their fitted hats and nikes throwing down to fucking all time low jeffree star in general the fucking millionaires ARE YOU KIDDING ME? i was so fucking pissed after i saw what they were fucking slutty scene girls who dont even play instruments they just bounce around on stage and sing about money, sex, hair, and getting drunk fuck that, they dont even sing i was SICK like at least i can laugh at jeffree star and at least he pretends to play instruments but the millionaires? REALLY? what the FUCK is going on here? brokencyde? the maine? WHAT THE FUCK warped tour is NOT what it used to be its NOT what its SUPPOSED to be how the fuck can you put BAD RELIGION AND NOFX on the same fucking tour as BROKENCYDE AND THE MILLIONAIRES AND FUCKING JEFFREE STAR? they all need to get their fucking asses kicked theyre fucking taking over warped tour we need to take it back im ranting whatever, im pissed it gets worse every year what the fuck kevin lyman? you used to be cool. no better yet, you used to be UNCOOL thats what made warped tour good it was the bands that the cool kids were afraid of now, warped tour is fucking mtv, and the kids who hang out at the mall on friday nights fuck this, i just want a good show

saw enter shikari tonight fucking sucked they sounded like shit, and the bands they played with were awful so disappointing legit worst crowd i've ever been a part of everyone was a douchebag i almost puked from a fucking overdose of scene kids and if i have to hear one more synth intro or techno breakdown, i'm going to shoot myself but they played no sssweat, so it wasnt a total waste well i mean, it was but no sssweat made it like kinda sorta a little bit worth it we left early got burger king it made me feel a little better but anyway, heres this survey for the nine millionth time song #1: carry you home by james blunt your favorite lyric from this song: either: she said it's high time she went away, no one's got much to say in this town or: strong as you were, tender you go im watching you breathing for the last time a song for your heart, but when it is quiet i know what it means and i'll carry you home does this song have any bad memories attached? no, but its very sad what genre is this? pop? song #2: salvation by the devil wears prada what's the last line of this song? i can sense the rhythm and its time to panic, panic have you ever seen this artist live? yep who does this song make you think of? fear and chaos the coming of something huge with no preparation song #3: its dangerous business walking out your front door by underoath what's the first line of this song? i've been up at this all night long where did you first hear this song? fuse tv, i saw the video this song and reinventing your exit are the reasons i bought the cd how about the first time you heard the artist? fuse tv song #4: the plot to bomb the panhandle by a day to remember which friend could this be a theme tune for and why? nick, miller, anthony, craig, etc. dedicated to tom or nick, to tiff write down the chorus: i'm looking down at this mess that you made can't believe that i stayed so unhappy for so long where did i go wrong? i've got to get out of this, my hand is on the handle we're leaving everything behind, goodbye for a lifetime why do you like this song? the lyrics, the message song #5: the words best friend become redefined by chiodos what kind of film would you choose this as the theme for? something like 'the invisible' with betrayal, death, lots of rain, lots of nighttime scenes, and a hint of the supernatural who introduced you to this artist? wow, i don't even remember best part of this song: craig owens song #6: brand new day by joshua radin the fourth line reads: and bathes me in its light how long is this song? 3:34 is it one of your favourites? no, but joshua radin is this song really is lovely though song #7: dont stop by innerpartysystem how long have you been listening to this artist? about a year what's the cover look like on the album this came from? the 4 guys in the band are standing in this weird empty hallway thats like lighted yellow. the guys themselves are tinted green, and the picture is taken from the ground or close to it, kinda looking up at them. what's this song about? the corruption in hollywood has your favourite song come up? yes, plot to bomb the panhandle, dangerous business, and don't stop

flightless bird, american mouth one of my favorite songs im supposed to be out, swimming at toms house with everyone but i dont feel like moving i had an emotional breakdown at work no, not really a breakdown at least not outwardly it was more of a harsh realization? or maybe an epiphany? only an unpleasant one? im so fucking lethargic i sleep til 1, then lay around sometimes with nick, sometimes alone watching tv and movies in old tshirts and basketball shorts i dont go out til night time and even then i sometimes end up staying in all night holed up in my room with my boyfriend watching tv, eating, sleeping, fucking its my last full summer at home - next summer, i leave for college i should be out with friends fuck, who ARE my friends? i havent seen anyone in so long i see sarah, only because nick and i are best friends with her but i havent seen matty or chole at all this summer and i'm not even friends with amber anymore i havent hung out with the swim kids at all, except for at practices and meets i dont go anywhere i dont do anything i've been to the beach ONCE, when i used to go every single day i dont even know if im going to warped - something i swore i'd never miss where the fuck has my LIFE gone? what the fuck am i DOING with myself? like i said before, i was supposed to be at toms house over an hour ago. i just never got myself off my bed to go instead, i'm here complaining my facial expression has not changed my emotions are flat lining im bored, but too lazy to do anything about it i need to wake the fuck up drag the real me out, go feel the sun on my face go for a run, go for a swim, go for a drive, go see my friends what the fuck have i become?